This article is a Summer of Emilevin’ contest entry. This 6 week contest gives out both weekly prizes and final prizes of booster packs! You are invited to participate and compete by making some awesome and/or hilarious content of your own! Click on the Summer of Emilevin’ banner above for more information.
A Sword of Ice And Fire is a series of fantasy novels by George R. R. Martin.
One of Magic’s greatest strengths is the player’s ability to create their own game experience. Not only can you generate an astoundingly large different number of decks, you can change the very rules themselves. Several of these variants have gained widespread acceptance, and we’ve finally gotten around to making you pay us for them.
Now you and your backwards, Luddite friends can enjoy the format that Magic Online players are raving about at your own kitchen table! Includes:
MSRP: $149.99
Experience magic’s entire rich history, or at least the parts you can come up with on the spot. Includes:
MSRP: $16.99
Experience the endless replayability of draft with the power and synergy of constructed at the expense of both! Includes:
MSRP: $59.99
Restrictions breed creativity, which can be a real burden. Now with DC10 you can turn off your brain and cast huge monsters. Includes:
MSRP: $21.99
Take a break from the frustration of losing to your best friend by exchanging it for the frustration of your best friend causing you to lose to others. Includes:
MSRP: $1.19
The Empire of Man’s quartermasters know that the grim darkness of the 40th millennium can get awfully lonely, not to mention dangerous. That’s why our special unit lets you create a customized lovable little companion to provide friendship and suppressing fire when you need them most. In fact, we offer such a wide variety of potential combinations, that some find assembling the right one daunting. That’s why this guide is here to help you through each station.
In addition to earth bears, several types of deadly predators from other worlds are available to base your cuddly warrior on. However, you should be aware that all non-bear choices are blasphemous, and will result in you being immediately handed over to the inquisition.
The first and most important step to creating your adorable homonculus is to write your true name and a rune of command on a heart, and sew it into its chest. This will serve to animate it and bind it to you. It will also help it remain steadfast and true when it is faced with the harsh realities of combat, and the even harsher unrealities of the warp.
Your little familiar’s weapon is his most important tool, and must be selected with care. So be sure to carefully weigh the pros and cons of each before choosing between the machine gun with flamethrower mode and under-barrel energy chainsaw, and the energy chainsaw with side-mounted flamethrower and machine gun.
A suit of power armor is essential in ensuring that your fluffy friend retains its grotesque parody of life. It provides head-to-toe coverage, but provides special protection for the construct’s notoriously vulnerable shoulders. Shoulder armor defaults to Maximo Supreme but for a manageable surcharge can be upgraded to Uber Grande or even Ultra Platinum which is guaranteed to stop even the most devastating shoulder-seeking missiles.
Once his armor is in place, you can choose to further adorn your bear buddy with packets of crosses, holy texts, and spikes. But what isn’t optional is decorating him with tiny ursine skulls. We recommend a belt of skulls, a medallion of skulls and liberal skull placement about the armor, but in case that’s not enough, we also offer a procedure to graft extra skulls to its skull.
Let’s be honest, you’re just gonna leave the little guy black or silver.
Finally, you can record a custom battle cry for your fuzzy wingman to memorize and shout at his enemies. Or you can settle for a half-hearted prerecorded option such as “I’m pretty sure the Emperor will return, sooner or later” or “Cleanse all the heretics you can easily locate with fire.”
Sure, you could probably put this all together yourself cheaper without coming to us, but it just wouldn’t be the same…somehow.
This article is a Summer of Emilevin’ contest entry. This 6 week contest gives out both weekly prizes and final prizes of booster packs! You are invited to participate and compete by making some awesome and/or hilarious content of your own! Click on the Summer of Emilevin’ banner above for more information.
Point
Sure, it may have come with an exorbitant price tag, but it is certain to pay handsome dividends both by its direct utility and as an investment. In all probability, it will remain ubiquitous throughout its tenure in standard due to its irreplaceable functionality and incomparable performance.
Moreover, Jace, the Mind Sculptor should gain comparable traction in the modified extended format. This universal applicability combined with its excessive artificial privation, and the degradation of existing supplies could drive its value even higher.
Counterpoint
Lemme see what you got there, dork! Some kind of sparkly princess sticker? Oh, my bad, it’s like a baseball card of a guy in a dress.
Maybe when you grow up, you can be like this drag queen magician you love so much.
Aw he wants it back. Wait, it’s worth how much? I bet you had to beg your mommy to get you one for weeks. You’d sure be in trouble if something happened to it.
Aw, is the little baby gonna cry? Cheer up, I’m not so good at division, but each piece should still be worth about 20 bucks, right?
Brother, it has been one of those days. When I got up I realized I’d misplaced my blade of shadows. Then after I was already late getting out the portal, my chariot of damnation broke an axle on the way to work. I was going to take the public ferry, but the driver demanded exact change – as though anyone keeps pennies on them in this day and age. I resorted to flying under my own power, which is exhausting in the best of conditions, so the headwind didn’t help things any.
After I finally got there, my overseer really raked me over the coals. Then he made me haul in replacement coals because the furnace imp is on vacation. He also made it pretty clear I’d blown my shot at the Archfiend of Slavery position I had been gunning for for the last millennium. None of the scrying results I needed for my own project were in yet, and I had missed lunch in all that mess, so I decided to just knock off early.
The wind had made an about face in those few hours, but I still managed to stumble back to my lair a bit early. Of course this meant I was just in time to find my mutual-abuse partner whipping another man.
So now I’m here at the local den, wondering where I went wrong. I’m a huge, tenacious guy with a lot of mobility, and I’m willing to work cheap. But it just seems like no matter what I do or how hard I try, I just can’t win. I’ll tell you this much: this sort of crap never happens to my friend Angelo.
As the title indicates, this event was originally slated to take place on modo. That idea was scrapped when someone pointed out that as a level 5 judge, modo was entitled to participate, and it couldn’t figure out how to play on itself. So we all met up in person instead.
My opponent plays what he assures me are a lot of modal effects with linked abilities that resolve in different layers (contingent on dependencies) and may or may not be characteristic-copying. I don’t know what any of this crap does, but I know none of it deals me 20 damage. I defeat him handily in 2 games.
1-0
Even the simplest actions like untapping and drawing a card take my opponent several seconds. I call over a judge, my round 1 opponent, and accuse him of slow-play. I begin to methodically lay out my case that he was stalling, then my current opponent reports me to his round 1 opponent for slow-explain. I guess those guys were pretty sore about losing last round and having their second round interrrupted, because they award us respective match losses. We appeal those decisions to the head judge, who it turns out is me. I recuse myself due to the conflict of interest, and without any way to resolve the situation, the match goes to time and ends in a draw.
1-0-1
My opponent is immediately very rude. He asks me to sing a Beatles song of my choosing, then tells me my voice is absolute rubbish and I don’t have the star quality to succeed in this competition. I’m feeling pretty down about this until one of his barns tells me to keep working at it and calls me his ‘dog.’ At this point I notice he still hasn’t presented his deck, and doesn’t even appear to have one. I disqualify him from the event, but not before he tells me America has voted me into the bottom 2 and probably won’t be returning next week.
2-0-1
A nice, quiet guy playing an impressive new deck of his own devising. He didn’t make any mistakes all match long, and saw a lot of plays I never would have. By game 2 I had begun to suspect he was a ringer. I considered calling someone over to check his certification, but decided that it was better to lose gracefully than risk a repeat of round 2.
2–1-1
This guy was a real stickler. He made me tap my lands one at a time, untap everything simultaneously, announce each time I was passing priority, and go through spell announcement step by step in the correct order. At one point twelve identical “gain one life” triggers happened at once, and he asked me what order I wanted to stack them in with a straight face. Things were close but looking good in game 1 until accidently pointed at the wrong guy when choosing what would have been lethal attackers, and he wouldn’t let me take it back. I then disgustedly told him “I give up” and he asked if I was sure, yes or no. I said yes, and it turned out I had just conceded the whole match instead of the game.
2-2-1
I’m about to head home when the top 8 is announced, and I am in. I point out that this should be mathematically impossible given my record, but it turns out they just ran way too many rounds of swiss. I hit the bathroom before heading to the final table, and the rest of the top 8 is already there. My round 2 opponent says he needs the rating points for byes and we all agree to let him win his matches in exchange for the lion’s share of the prizes.
I get paired vs the agreed-upon winner. Our games go quickly as I just mana burn for the maximum amount each turn.
Magic has always been a social game. In the beginning you played with a deck and a friend. Then some people started experimenting with multiple opponents and partners. Now Archenemy allows you to take on a whole gang at once.
We realize though that these options may not be enough for some people. Thanks to advancing social networking tools and declining mores, some players may find they have relationships that aren’t covered by our existing products and formats. It is for them we are proud to announce the It’s Arch-Complicated™ line of products starting in mid 2011. Among other configurations, It’s Arch-Complicated™ will allow you to:
It is important to stress that even with these and other options approaching, there will still be limits. For instance, we will never support a format where you play against children. That would just be sick.
A study published in this month’s issue of The Journal Dominarian Alchemy finds that 97.6% of eldrazi spawn do not survive infancy. Here to explain this shocking statistic is lead researcher Figdab Bibblebob.
The greatest obstacle to a new eldrazi’s survival is his species’ peculiar choice of spawning grounds. While the fossil record indicates that in ages past they were allowed some time to develop their skills in play, they are now birthed directly onto a battlefield.
This practice has proved sustainable for groups with hardier young, such as the kraken genus. Eldrazi young however have almost no combat capabilities and no way to evade or shroud themselves from more dangerous creatures.
Most of the deaths we recorded weren’t even from intentional attacks on the spawn though. They have a dreadful lack of situational awareness, and were often seen wandering in front of all manner of beasts, knights, and demons that were charging at someone else entirely. It was such a common occurrence that my team started joking that the safest place to be in a fight was directly behind the nearest eldrazi cub.
We didn’t just learn that they were helpless and oblivious though. They are also incredibly nutritious and tasty, based on the numbers we saw devoured. Their blood is also considered a delicacy in vampire high society, and some of this group was poached to satisfy that lucrative market.
Perhaps the most ironic factor though is that several primitive cultures surrounding their native habitat have taken to sacrificing them in intricate rituals designed to summon the adult eldrazi to their side to hopefully do their bidding. When the unfortunate spawn in question’s progenitors show up to kill everyone involved, it just reinforces that the ritual works.
Despite all this, I still hold out some hope for this majestic and horrible race. Some activist artificers have laid out plans to provide the spawn with armor, gliders, and most importantly maps to help them survive long enough to get somewhere less lethal to stay until they’ve grown self-sufficient. Also, while this particular survey is dire, there may be some comfort in its 2.5% margin of error.
As any young girl across our great plane will tell you, the Eldrazi invasion is the most exciting thing to hit Zendikar in millenia. Lately though, a rift has formed between their fans, much like the rift between dimensions that allowed the Old Ones to slip their sorcerous bonds. That’s right, as the coming apocalypse draws ever-nearer, Eldraziacs have become fiercely divided on the most important question it poses: Which elder god is the dreamiest? In this special report, we hear from people on both sides of the issue.
Jenny, Team UlamogUlamog is totally the cutest. Some people say he just wants to eliminate all life, but they don’t understand him like I do. When I look deep into his skull-helmet and see the pain there, I know we belong together. He’s always thought emanating to me about how ripe my corpse would be, and how much he wants to feed it to his unholy brood. The fact that he hasn’t acted on that urge proves how deeply he loves me. I just want him to hold me in his strong, bifurcated arms and make me feel safe. Plus he almost never covers up that yummy ribcage of his with a shirt, or flesh. |
Sally, Team EmrakulPlease, if anyone is going to reduce the entire multiverse to ash, it’s going to be my wubasaurus Emrakul. Soon he’ll come to scour Zendikar of the haters and wannabes. Those other girls just want him for his body, but I see through to his giant, crystalline, pulsating heart – and not just because it’s partially exposed. Once he realizes that I’m the only one for him, we can live together in the magical city in the clouds that makes up the top half of his body. And once I legally reside on him, nobody will be able to separate us, not even my jerk dad, no matter how angry our relationship makes him. |
Of course not everyone is so smitten with our new overlords. Some old fashioned types are uncomfortable with the age difference between these teenagers and the undying objects of their affection from before the dawn of time. Others still think any relationship is doomed to fail based on their incompatible views on the annilation of the cosmos. And finally, a few wise men such as myself realize that Kozilek is by far the most adorable. I mean, have you seen his head-nub? It is to die for.
Looking at this Bloodbraid Elf in my summoning book, I can’t help but wonder, “What’s the point?” Even if by some miracle it doesn’t get countered, I’m just going to end up sacrificing it like I sacrificed the last 5 creatures unfortunate enough to enter my service. I suppose there’s always the cascaded spell, but it will probably be another Borderland Ranger. I just know I’ll have to sacrifice him too.
At least I’ll get a land out of it. But is more mana really what I need? I used to think so, back on turn 1; I was so naïve then. First it was 2 land, then 4, then I thought if I just got to ultimatum mana I’d be satisfied. Now here I am with 10 untapped lands, and I’m still miserable.
Sure they might not die immediately. Maybe they’ll even get to deal some damage. Is that what I’ve come to – hurting others to feel better about myself? Being a planeswalker was supposed to be the rarest and most wonderful of gifts. And how am I using that gift? I’m lashing out at people whose only crime is reminding me of myself.
Well I’ve had enough. I’m going to leave this rat race behind and turn my life around. I think I’ll planeswalk to somewhere peaceful. Maybe a nice beach that doesn’t serve as a spawning bed for krakens, or a forest with regular-sized wildlife with non-magical claws. Yeah, somewhere I can relax, drink some briarberry juice, and enjoy a nice book. I’ve always wanted to finish The Necrologia.