Dead On Repeated Arrival of Faeries

MTGO, INTERNET – Local Black/Green Elves player Samwise GeeGee was attacked last night by a gang of 1/1 Faerie Rogue tokens with flying. He was pronounced dead on arrival: He did not have a Pulse.

Tattermunge Maniac Green with Envy

JUND, ALARA – A local Goblin Warrior named Tattermunge Maniac attacked his coworkers at his office in Jund last week when he discovered that his hard work had lead to a bonus for his coworker. “I do all the hard work of being multiple colors, and he gets +1/+1 and Haste,” said the Maniac about his Goblin Berserker officemate Jund Hackblade. Just before attacking the GoodGamery News van, the Maniac elaborated “He costs twice as much as I do and sometimes doesn’t even attack, I think I deserve at least as big of a bonus as he does!”

Akroma and Child Die in Freak Childbirthing Accident

DOMINARIA, REGULAR NON-ALTERNATE UNIVERSE – Moments after giving birth to a daughter, the legendary creature announced that she would name her daughter after herself. Before anyone could gain priority to respond, both mother and child were put into a graveyard from play.

MTGO Alara Reborn Game Logs Leaked

MTGO, INTERNET – Reader Winston Churchill sent in the following game log from the Magic: the Gathering Online beta.
– Zombie Churchill plays Enigma Sphinx
– Zombie Churchill plays triggered ability of Enigma Sphinx
– Zombie Churchill reveals ??? from Cascade
– Zombie Churchill plays ???
– Zombie Churchill plays triggered ability of ???
– Zombie Churchill reveals Mask of Riddles from Cascade
– Zombie Churchill plays Mask of Riddles
– Zombie Churchill says: “A Mask of Riddles wrapped in a mystery wrapped in an Enigma Sphinx!”

Dauntless Escort Goes AWOL

JUNGLE SHRINE, ALARA – A Dauntless Escort went AWOL today during a routine battle near the Jungle Shrine. GoodGamery News caught up with the not-so-dauntless Dauntless Escort for an interview, in which he appeared strangely animated, and even enchanted at times. When asked why he fled the scene, the Rhino Soldier claimed that the end times were near and that the Wrath of God was coming down upon us. His Sigil Captain dismissed these claims as the ravings of a religious lunatic, and said that if the Wrath of God had come down he would know about it. “I’ve done some pretty disturbing things in my time for a few +1/+1 counters,” the Captain said, “and believe me, I would be dead by now if God had any say in the matter.”

Obesity Epidemic Declared Over

JUND, ALARA – The number one health issue on the minds of Alaran residents this year has been the obesity epidemic that the media have termed Lards of Alara. But now officials are saying the epidemic is over quicker than it began. “There is no obesity problem in Alara”, stated Wall of Denial, the newly appointed Defender of Health. The Wall did not elaborate and could not be the target of further questioning.

Elven Game Considered More Dangerous than Goblin Game

JUND, ALARA – Authorities were called to an Alaran Elementary School for Elves when it was reported that elven schoolgirls were participating in the dangerous game of braiding each others’ blood. Witness reports suggest that the authorities simply stood there for a full turn after arriving on the scene, while the schoolgirls escaped with haste.

A Momentary Blink of Reason

NAYA, ALARA – After returning home from work last night, Sir Lanceabit, a Knight of the White Orchid, searched his library for a Sacred Foundry and put it into play tapped. He was immediately surprised and killed by his pet Nacatl. Friends of the deceased have reported that Sir Lanceabit believed he had purchased a Domesticated Nacatl and that he did not expect it to grow larger than 2/2.