Which Team are you on?

Posted on Wednesday, April 7th, 2010 by Vandermonde
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Posted in mtg

As any young girl across our great plane will tell you, the Eldrazi invasion is the most exciting thing to hit Zendikar in millenia. Lately though, a rift has formed between their fans, much like the rift between dimensions that allowed the Old Ones to slip their sorcerous bonds. That’s right, as the coming apocalypse draws ever-nearer, Eldraziacs have become fiercely divided on the most important question it poses: Which elder god is the dreamiest? In this special report, we hear from people on both sides of the issue.

Jenny, Team Ulamog

Ulamog is totally the cutest. Some people say he just wants to eliminate all life, but they don’t understand him like I do. When I look deep into his skull-helmet and see the pain there, I know we belong together. He’s always thought emanating to me about how ripe my corpse would be, and how much he wants to feed it to his unholy brood. The fact that he hasn’t acted on that urge proves how deeply he loves me. I just want him to hold me in his strong, bifurcated arms and make me feel safe. Plus he almost never covers up that yummy ribcage of his with a shirt, or flesh.

Sally, Team Emrakul

Please, if anyone is going to reduce the entire multiverse to ash, it’s going to be my wubasaurus Emrakul. Soon he’ll come to scour Zendikar of the haters and wannabes. Those other girls just want him for his body, but I see through to his giant, crystalline, pulsating heart – and not just because it’s partially exposed. Once he realizes that I’m the only one for him, we can live together in the magical city in the clouds that makes up the top half of his body. And once I legally reside on him, nobody will be able to separate us, not even my jerk dad, no matter how angry our relationship makes him.

Of course not everyone is so smitten with our new overlords. Some old fashioned types are uncomfortable with the age difference between these teenagers and the undying objects of their affection from before the dawn of time. Others still think any relationship is doomed to fail based on their incompatible views on the annilation of the cosmos. And finally, a few wise men such as myself realize that Kozilek is by far the most adorable. I mean, have you seen his head-nub? It is to die for.