Artifacts for Sale! 
Dueling Mages in Proxy Row
Leading duelists Blugar the Callous and Zhazha Firegloves face suspensions today, following their involvement in an unsanctioned ‘proxy spell’ tournament. This controversial dueling format permits mages to duel using ‘proxies’ of rare artifacts, and of old spells from the 90s that can’t easily be learnt any more.
In the match in question, instead of a sought-after Black Lotus, Blugar used an acre of local plains with LOTTUS written in 30ft letters using a ride-on lawnmower. Firegloves’ proxies included a selection of Mox jewels that were in fact spray-painted Juju bubbles, and a Tarmogoyf represented by a Goblin of the Flarg in a wig.
Stabbing the air with inky fingers, Blugar protested: “It’s completely unreasonable that we battle mages aren’t allowed to duel this way if we want to. If I summon a merfolk spy and tell him he’s Jace, the Mind Sculptor, and Zhazha agrees to suffer a complete mental breakdown as if he really was Jace, then what’s the harm?”
“The real Jace is kinda busy at the moment. Does that mean all duels, all over the multiverse, should take place without him? It just makes no sense.”
Zhazha Firegloves claimed that she had only taken part for playtesting purposes. “Look, I know there are mages who can cast the real Ancestral Recall, if they’ve been dueling for 20+ years. But that’s not a test of dueling skill. If I decide I want to commit to this format, I’ll learn the spell for real. Until then, I should be able to use this Animate Wall instead. Look, it’s basically the same thing.”
“Hey, where’s that outhouse going? Come back, you!”
Defenders of ‘proxies’ claim that they are far preferable to more convincing counterfeit spells, citing the recent incident in a grand prix final where Kiki Jiki, Mirror Breaker turned out to be a troupe of ouphes in a long trenchcoat.
But the Multiverse Duelist Convocation remained immovable. A spokesperson said: “We have always been clear: proxies are an attack on intellectual property. Duelists should continue to use low-powered spells to trade fetchlands from noobs, as they have always done, and not as stand-ins for playable effects.”
