Author: basilisk

  • Wizard’s School Bans Students From Wearing Basilisk Collars

    ‘Staple Of Student Fashion’ Prohibited; Violators Suspended

    Tolarian Academy

    The Wizard’s School

    Pendrell Vale, TOLARIA — The Basilisk Collar, a fashion staple of student libraries, has landed on a lists of prohibited equipment in several Tolarian schools.

    Some schools have restricted or even banned the unusual collars, citing safety concerns.

    They say that it’s easy for things like sticks and wands to become snagged in the collars, causing disruptions in their school work. School officials also note that bulky jewelry like basilisk collars increase the risk of a student accidentally tipping over a flask of acid, or cracking the fragile casing on a potion of unmaking. What’s more, adept scofflaws can use the collars to kill at a touch, or to gain life by striking other students.

    Basilisk Collar

    A Dangerous Fashion Statement

    At the Tolarian Academy in the Eastern Domain’s isle of Tolaria, wizard student Ertai was told on the first day of school that his basilisk collar was not allowed. He left it in his energy chamber, he told The Press of the Central Planes for Friday’s editions.

    Fads in equipment “designed to attract attention to the individual or to disrupt the orderly conduct of the classroom or campus is not permitted,” the policy states.

    In its Codex, the district states its rules are in place because “students who dress and groom themselves neatly, and in an acceptable and appropriate manner, are more likely to become constructive wizards of the society in which we live.”

    Hapless Researcher

    Wizards Engage in Risky Behavior

    Several violators have already been punished for wearing the controversial collars, which some researchers claim is an indicator for risk-taking behavior.

    “I got my basilisk collar as a present from my father, but when I showed up to class I was exiled with 5 time counters”, explained Jhoira of the Ghitu, a student whose suspension ended during a recent turn. “They removed one time counter at the beginning of each upkeep”, she added.

    Bans on fashion articles are not new to Dominaria. In 2004, a type of headwear known as a Skullclamp became popular, drawing concern from school officials. It was eventually banned after a series of first-year students were each placed in the graveyard as a state-based effect after wearing one of the artifacts.

    Academy Researchers

    Wizard Collars: Are They All Dangerous?

  • A Valentine’s Deck

    1x Martyr of Bones (St. Valentine)

    1x Aven Archer (Cupid)

    1x Eager Cadet (Our Hero)

    1x Serra Angel (Hey baby, what are you doing tonight?)

    4x Kitchen Finks (Let’s have a romantic dinner)

    2x Candles of Leng (A candle light dinner)

    4x Bitterblossom (With beautiful floweOH SHIT THEY STING)

    1x Story Circle (Then we can watch a chick flick)

    4x Heartstabber Mosquito (See, I am not emotionally available right now…)

    1x Unlikely Alliance (but we can, you know, be friends)

    1x Abandon Hope (Well shit…)

    1x Heartmender (Sorry I broke your heart!)

    1x Stir the Pride (What? i don’t even care, skank)

    1x Cruel Edict (This is why you are single, loser)

    1x Cruel Edict (Why did you think I’d date you, in the first place?)

    1x Cruel Edict (Go home and sleeve your Angel collection)

    4x Distress (Aw man)

    1x Death Wish (My life sucks)

    4x Razor Barrier (I’ll just cut myself again)

    1x Execute (Screw you, Cupid)

    1x Sorrow’s Path + 23 other lands.

  • Allied Expedition Faces Inquiry

    As of this writing, the Ally Party’s latest expedition is three million mana over budget and 53 turns behind schedule. Although the quest committee blames unforeseen difficulties and inclement weather, an ongoing investigation has uncovered the wasteful and corrupt inclusion of an alarmingly large number of Ally Party members and their associates on the quest payroll.

    Initially, the committee countered this accusation by pointing out that the roster was not all fellow Allies. They said the mission was in fact incredibly diverse, featuring among others a mercenary, a rebel, a ninja, a sliver, and a kami. On further inspection though, these were all found to be pseudopods of one colossal shapeshifter.

    The first irregularity that watchdogs noticed was the now-iconic inclusion of a librarian on this dangerous, combat-driven wilderness mission. Sadly, several other unqualified members have been uncovered since. Their number includes holy men of several irreconcilable faiths, a four-piece band, and two rogues convicted of a combined 7 counts of armed robbery. The most shameless though is undoubtedly that Chancellor Krynal approved an exuberant 40-mana retainer for “Mr McWhiskers” who we now know is not even a person, but rather a house cat for whom he set up a fake ID and bank account.

    The proposed motivation for these alleged acts of graft is a plethora of kickbacks. Evidence points to committee members having received hundreds of life, cards, and mana and over 1200 +1/+1 counters in return for these appointments.

    Even in the seemingly unlikely event that their names are cleared, outraged land-taxpayers are questioning whether these ruins were worth exploring in the first place. Many have rallied around opposing pundit Rava Marn’s observation that “It’s not as though we found anything great with the first three expeditions we sent there.”

    We sent a correspondent to get the Party’s side of the story, but while on that assignment, he suffered a fatal camera explosion. The case’s medical examiner notes that the blast caused him an amount of damage suspiciously similar to the number of allies he was about to interview.

  • To my Fellow Archivists

    Koron the Scribe indexing a book. I’ve held my tongue this long because I didn’t want to jeopardize my position here at the Encyclopedia Dominaria, but I cannot look the other way any longer. Someone has to stand up and say what we’re all thinking: our editor is abusing his power to spread his bigotry. People count on our work for objective information; they rely on us to accurately report on how tough a cerodon is, and how much mana and of which types it takes to issue a cryptic command. That said, at first I welcomed the introduction of subjective “flavor” pieces in its entries. Our editor Vorlus promised they would be excerpts of poetry, local sayings, and pithy quotes that would humanize our otherwise-technical list of facts and figures.

    But with each edition and supplement it becomes more clear that they are just an excuse for him to insert his anti-goblin bias into the work. It was ambiguous at first; when he called the Mercadian Guild “Home to the multiverse’s smartest goblins (and fastest quadriplegics)“ I took no notice. When he said of Toggo’s war club “Crude but ineffective, much like its owner,” I wrote it off as a harmless joke, or at worst an insult to one man. But after he said of the Zendikari tribes, “They’d lose track of their own mouths if their breath didn’t smell so foul,” I knew I could not let him continue.

    My friends, we must collectively stand up against this policy. Not only because it is the right thing to do, but for the future of ourselves and our beloved publication. For if a goblin takes offense at these comments, we could be liable for a large settlement. Granted, the chances of a goblin reading anything are pretty low because… well… let’s just say that their language has over 70 words for illiteracy.

         — Koron the Scribe

  • Chun-Li

    Fierce Kick! Fierce Kick! Fierce Kick! Fierce Kick! That’s how you play as Chun-Li in the game Street Fighter II: Magical Edition.

  • Branded Boyband

    Always look good when you’re singing.

  • The Selfish Elf

    by Loland, age 6

    The selfish elf always helped himself!

    He never thought of no one else!

    “Gimme, gimme, gimme!” was his refrain

    “Mine, mine, mine!” was his constant complain

    But one day the selfish elf found he had no pals

    No one to play with, boys or gals

    “Alas” he said, “all these +1/+1’s and no one with whom to play…”

    “…has made me a silly lonely selfish elf this day!”

  • Ultra-Rare Magic Card Found At Garage Sale

    So you’re driving home through suburbia, on one of those sunny Friday afternoons. You’ve skipped your last class, you’re looking forward to the weekend; life is good.

    When you see it – and you slam on the brakes. It’s a garage sale. Sure, there may just be a bunch of junk, but you never know. You have to make sure. You park across the street, and walk up the driveway, eyeing the tables of junk.

    It’s immediately clear that something is not quite right about this particular garage sale. Mixed in with the children’s toys and used CDs, are some more… unusual items.

    You notice a can of peanuts on a table. Who sells peanuts at a garage sale? They’re not American peanuts either. They’re some brand you’ve never heard of. You pick them up and read the label. “WARNING: MANUFACTURED ON EQUIPMENT ALSO USED TO MAKE PANTS. MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF PANTS.”

    You put them down, shaking your head. Focus, focus. You scan the tables. Let’s see… a Rubik’s Revenge… Amazing Fantasy #15… some Weebles… a Gutenberg Bible… some bits of string… a one-penny magenta stamp… a lunchbox with pictures of R2-D2 and C-3P0… these aren’t what you’re looking for. And then you see it. A long, narrow cardboard box. It could only hold Magic cards. This is it, the holy grail of garage sales. It’s the moment you’ve been dreaming of, ever since that peacock gave you 3 wishes and you blew them all. This is your chance to buy valuable Magic cards for next to nothing.

    You make a bee-line for the box. You can feel a man watching you; it’s the guy running the sale. He’s smiling. Like he’s in on something that you aren’t. Well whatever; you’re on the verge of screwing him over big-time, there’s no time for trading smiles. You flip open the box, eager to see the Magic cards that you know must be in it.

    And the box does have Magic cards. It does. But they’re wrong, horribly wrong.

    You look up, to see the man standing beside you, still smiling.

    “How much for this card,” you ask, not sure you even want it.

    “It’s free,” the man says, “but there’s still a price you pay.”

    “I don’t understand.”

    “It’s a dollar. A quarter. Make me an offer.”

    “What set is this from? I don’t recognize the expansion symbol.”

    “It’s rare,” the man says. “Very rare.”

    “Do you mean that it’s a rare card, or… that it’s rare.”

    The man looks at you.

    “It’s good,” the man says at last. “Con-struc-ted wor-thy.” Like he learned the words from a phrasebook.

    You stare at it. “How does it work?”

    “Animate Artifact. 23/23.” The man waggles his eyebrows.

    “But I mean, if I just have it in my deck it’ll be in play?”

    “You don’t need it in your deck.”

    That doesn’t sound right. You smile weakly and turn away from the card. “Hey, how much for the one-penny magenta?”

    But the man will hear none of it. He presses the card into your hands, firmly. “You are here for the card.” It is undeniable. “Now go.”

    Well, what harm can come of it, you think, as you drive away. It’s just a game. If you can’t make the card work for you, you can always trade it away to some kid. Just the thought of it cheers you up, and you drive the last few blocks home in a blissful daze. You turn left on Illuminati, then right on Illuminati. You park in front of the Illuminati, lock the Illuminati, and stroll up the Illuminati.

    To where your Illuminati is waiting for you.