Allied Expedition Faces Inquiry

Posted on Thursday, February 4th, 2010 by Vandermonde
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Posted in best of, mtg

As of this writing, the Ally Party’s latest expedition is three million mana over budget and 53 turns behind schedule. Although the quest committee blames unforeseen difficulties and inclement weather, an ongoing investigation has uncovered the wasteful and corrupt inclusion of an alarmingly large number of Ally Party members and their associates on the quest payroll.

Initially, the committee countered this accusation by pointing out that the roster was not all fellow Allies. They said the mission was in fact incredibly diverse, featuring among others a mercenary, a rebel, a ninja, a sliver, and a kami. On further inspection though, these were all found to be pseudopods of one colossal shapeshifter.

The first irregularity that watchdogs noticed was the now-iconic inclusion of a librarian on this dangerous, combat-driven wilderness mission. Sadly, several other unqualified members have been uncovered since. Their number includes holy men of several irreconcilable faiths, a four-piece band, and two rogues convicted of a combined 7 counts of armed robbery. The most shameless though is undoubtedly that Chancellor Krynal approved an exuberant 40-mana retainer for “Mr McWhiskers” who we now know is not even a person, but rather a house cat for whom he set up a fake ID and bank account.

The proposed motivation for these alleged acts of graft is a plethora of kickbacks. Evidence points to committee members having received hundreds of life, cards, and mana and over 1200 +1/+1 counters in return for these appointments.

Even in the seemingly unlikely event that their names are cleared, outraged land-taxpayers are questioning whether these ruins were worth exploring in the first place. Many have rallied around opposing pundit Rava Marn’s observation that “It’s not as though we found anything great with the first three expeditions we sent there.”

We sent a correspondent to get the Party’s side of the story, but while on that assignment, he suffered a fatal camera explosion. The case’s medical examiner notes that the blast caused him an amount of damage suspiciously similar to the number of allies he was about to interview.