As Internet quizzes have shown us, any list of any kind can neatly compartmentalize everyone’s personality. And these even apply to the various kinds of idiots we all have to deal with.
If you are a nincompoop, imbecile or blockhead, your individual personality likely aligns with one of the five colors of Magic: The Gathering, and should feel free to put any of the following images into your MTGSalvation signature in order to better express yourself.
Pro MTG Online #219
Alara, fresh off its planar merger with itself, has been beset by all manner of difficulties, ranging from Etherium Abominations devouring Bant birthday parties to Vithian Renegades breaking the Time Sieve breaking the Time Sieve breaking the Time Sieve breaking the Time Sieve…well, that was awkward. In any case, the biggest concern among Alara’s notables was the heretofore unknown entity known only as Uril, the Miststalker, who has been making several entities on Alara very, very uncomfortable.
“He kind of comes over and breathes heavy. It’s really weird,” offered Elspeth, Knight-errant. “Oh, and then he kills a soldier.”
“I tried Threatening him, but for some reason I couldn’t,” reported Sarkhan Vol. “Have I told you how much I like dragons?”
“Sorry, I’ve been too busy distorting Vintage. What were you saying?” asked Tezzeret the Seeker.
The creature, whose motives remain unknown, has a simple modus operandi: it appears out of the mists, approaches with a disturbingly shuffly gait, breathes loudly and makes obscene gestures, and then brutally murders the nearest goblin, thopter, or bird dumb enough to get between it and its object. Though no planeswalkers have been harmed yet, it is beleived it is only a matter of time before one of them takes a beating (not that that prick Ajani doesn’t deserve one).
Uril has become even more disturbing since he inexplicably acquired Asha’s favor. Now endowed with flight, he has become the boogeyman lurking in every window in Alara. Besides the actual boogeymen, of course.
“He was unable to answer my riddle, and yet I spared his life,” puzzled the Sphinx of the Steel Wind, casually munching on a vedalken.
“URIL HAS FOILED ME FOR THE LAST TIME! I WILL GAIN CONTROL OF HIM WHETHER HE LIKES IT OR NOT!” roared Nicol Bolas, Planeswalker. “Oh, I didn’t see you there. Care for some tea?”
Though a solution to Uril’s presence has yet to be discovered, many options are being considered, including some as drastic as Scourglass activation or a Martial Coup. Despite all of the furor, however. it should be noted that some had more positive opinions of the attention.
“I dunno, I kind of like things with 5 power or more,” commented Mayael, the Anima, notorious Nayan size queen.
HARRIS FAMILY DINING ROOM TABLE — In a bold, costly attempt to end instability and conflict brought on by the summoning spells of mighty wizards, Karrthus, Tyrant of Jund announced the nationalization of all dragons on Tuesday. The move puts a variety of key economic functions under the direct control of Karrthus, including Hunting, Harvesting Devastation, Igniting and Awakening, as well as the tides, most of the stars, and the Game-Trail department.
If successful, Lord Karrthus would come into play, assume sole control of all dragons, and untap them with state resources. The plan does not require the consent of the dragons, and, upon execution, would be permanent. Current dragonholders would be wiped out.
“We know this will take massive resources and has a low probability of success,” said Karrthus during a recent whistle-stop tour of five mountains, a scrubland and the City of Brass. “But these dragons represent an unacceptable systemic risk that only the government can properly untap and administer.”
When asked whether the Karrthus administration would put restrictions on the dragons to prevent them from continued ravaging, Jund Press Secretary Flameblast Dragon said, “All dragons are on the table at this point.”
It is by far the most expensive and broad dragon nationalization on record, although Karrthus has been quick to point out that dragon seizures are fairly common during periods of interplanar conflict. Previous plans, however, tended to take place at half the cost, in one color, with broad legislative support, and with counter backup.
Even in those cases, the plans were unpopular, and this one is not without its detractors.
A coalition against the nationalization, led by former Nicol Bolas minion Malfegor, has mobilized in protest. In support of the effort Malfegor is, through a third-party vendor, selling limited-edition posters of Lord Kathara teabagging him.
“We’re not sure he knows what he means,” said one zombie on the condition of anonymity, “but we’re willing to humor him if puts that uppity Jundie in his place.”
A press release from Malfegor’s staff office read, “This is more tap-and-spend from a government that has run out of ideas. We’ve all heard of big plans like this before, but how many of those plans ever resolved? All our swamps are still tapped from the Debtors’ Knell he tried to play last turn, and we’re not seeing that anytime soon. A DRAGON WILL NOT BE RULED!”
When asked about Malfegor, Karrthus remarked, “Of course dragons can be ruled. That’s the basis for the entire dragon system of government. As Mr. Malfeagor knows all too well, there is always a greater power.”
“Also, you can do pretty much anything for seven mana.”
Karrthus confirmed that, barring counters, the action would be completed with haste.
Cascade shows how, deep down, all Magic players are losers, says Hisoka, Minamo Sensei, widely known outside the Magic world for his moving and direct psychiatric diagnosis.
Introduced on “The Visara Show,” the Sensei — who prefers to be called “Dr. Hisoka” — quickly expanded his reach to millions of Magic players nationwide, who tune in to his show daily.
Commenting on one of the new abilities introduced in Alara Reborn, “Cascade,” Dr. Hisoka said that the excitement generated by the mechanic was “misguided at best”.
“Cascade is a powerful mechanic, but it is also a cry for help from the game’s designers, who obviously have no social life and need to get more friends,” a wide-eyed Dr. Hisoka explained in a Texan drawl. “What they’ve done is created versions of themselves as cards — versions of themselves that have friends. Their standards are as low as their self-esteems! They remade Will O’ The Wisp (as Kathari Remnant) so that he could find another Will O’ The Wisp, so they could sit together and talk about cards or something. In Kamigawa, we have a word for these guys: losers.”
“Look at Bloodbraid Elf!” Dr. Hisoka continued. “That isn’t an elf that likes going out to parties. She sulks all the time. Why can’t she just be happy with who she is?”
Bloodbraid Elf, widely regarded as one of the best cards in the set, had no comment.
“And look at the art on Ardent Plea,” Dr. Hisoka continued. “These cards know they suck — they’re begging for somebody, anybody, to come in and make their lives better. I would appreciate the spell costing 2 more mana or so. She’s praying to heaven for something, and I would know just what to give her. But the designers always need to have their fun.”
“Meddling Mage. Need I say more?”
Deny Reality disagreed. “Look, this guy’s insane,” said the spell, which alternated between being a tropical island and a raging hurricane while speaking with us. “He’s obviously just looking for attention.”
Enigma Sphinx drooped her head upon hearing that the famed Magic card had taken offense to her mechanic. “Look at me already,” she said. “I’m a freak! All this Sensei guy is doing is exploiting us ordinary Magic cards to draw viewers to his ‘Dr. Hisoka’ show. Despicable.”
“At least we’re not Gleemax,” she added.
In a stunning revelation last week, legal counsel for Wizards of the Coast LLC (“WOTC”) has decreed that the administrators at Magic-League.com (“MAGIC LEAGUE”), who tout themselves as a place for free online Magic: The Gathering tournament and casual play, “effectively shut down” in the words of MTGSalvation (“MTGS”) user “theanimeguy.”
We asked MAGIC LEAGUE spokesperson Kone Magicleague, via e-mail, to respond to WOTC’s cease and desist (“C&D”) notice. Here was his reply.
from: [email protected]
date: Tue, Apr 14, 2009 at 12:27 PM
subject: RE: lol
Dear Mr. Reporter,
The nerve of Wizards of the Coast! Each of their allegations is completely unfounded and false. Check it out:
It recently came to our attention that your group has created a website, www.magic-league.com, that touts itself as the place for “free online Magic: The Gathering” tournament and casual play . . .
You didn’t let us finish, Wizards! At Magic League we provide online magic, in the sense of the fantasy and wonderment that people feel when they take part in our tournaments and casual play. And you’ve got to gather tournaments together, in the sense of organizing them and finding participants. The full sentence is, “We will affect you with this figurative sense of free online magic: The gathering tournaments and casual play will make you feel positively enchanted!”
Who says our tournaments have anything to do with M:TG?? Maybe they don’t!
Whoa there, Wizards. If you visit MagicWorkstation.com, you’ll notice that when you download their program, there’s no evidence at all of text or artwork from M:TG. The program is completely divorced from anything related to your card game, you fascist jerks!
In order to get M:TG text and artwork into Magic Workstation, you have to take numerous extra steps, including clicking on a link from MagicWorkstation.com to a TOTALLY DIFFERENT site which hooks you up. It’s legal invincibility! Take THAT, lawyers!
And learn to spell Apprentice! LOL!
Your use of the “Magic-League” name and “magic-league.com” domain name further evidences your bad faith intent to capitalize on the good will associated with Wizards’ MAGIC: THE GATHERING® trademark . . .
Oh so suddenly you have a monopoly on the word “magic?” What’s next! Are you gonna sue David Blaine now, Wizards? You should! It’s the exact same thing, if you think about it logically.
Man, with that logic, I could make a game called “Or This And To” and sue, like, everyone!
Please provide us with your written agreement to the above, as soon as possible and in any event within ten days.
In 10 days, AND “in any event?” What if the “event” is me getting in a giant car accident, putting me in a full body cast and completely incapable of conveying an agreement, written or otherwise? Do you think 10 days is enough time for a severely injured man to heal?? I’m going to have to learn to walk again! Don’t you care, Wizards?
Since this letter, however, MAGIC LEAGUE has complied with the majority of WOTC’s demands, like explicitly noting on their site that MAGIC LEAGUE is not at all affiliated with WOTC. This is an important thing to call out, since apparently a lot of people thought that WOTC was sponsoring a free site that eliminated reasons why people might give money to them.
Pro MTG Online #218
His mouth is a dark cave bats dare not enter.
“When a land of fire meets a land of steel, the smelting will begin.” – Ancient Esper tale
When dragons cease to prowl the skies, the skies shall prowl themselves.
When the undead of Grixis rose from the ground, the Bant army knew they must not fall to it.
An artificial world will treat all entering humans inhumanely.
The sky trembled. The earth shook. The soldiers gasped. Alara had risen.
When Bant soldiers ventured into the land of metal, many gave up their weaponry and social lives to study the beings there intently. It became known as Esperger’s Syndrome.
(^ kingcobweb)
If the Grixis shall be upon us in the morning, then let us be on them tonight!
“From house to house and door to door, when the Zaxaphlablisdub comes knocking, you are no more!” – Jund children’s rhyme
Tree trunks, Gooble? No! Those are legs!
If by the pike you live, it is by my axe that you shall die!
It was in the night. There were whispers. And then there was nothing.
“Esper, Jund, Grixis, Naya, Bant, this is the land that I’ll enchant!” – Plahamotiuyr, upon his creation of Alara
You say your sword is hewn upon my anvil? Well then, boy, answer why has it not already cleaved your soul?
Look at that, son, and understand the beauty around you.
The Grixis may be undead, but we will be sure to remedy that very soon.
Carry with you this, for this will with you go and forever heal your aches that you have.
“Impossible! It’s almost as if it’s… alive!” – Esper mage’s last words
Before them lay the largest feast they had ever seen. Fruits and meats of every kind stacked one upon the other in a display of the greatest of Naya fortunes. They ate it and were full.
I have but one word for you, spellcaster… “No.”
For thousands of years the only thing he could think to do with his axe was cut trees. That was before Alara rose again.
No tree grows taller than the Bulbubabblebibububba can see.
“Ugh, snakes. Why did it have to be snakes as I ride through the despicable Jund forest on my steed of Esper magic, prepared for battle with the gallantry of my blade?” – Indiaranidious Jonusfer
With the growl of the foxfire, with the snap of lizard jaws, with the cry of its victims, it was born.
“Grok making a list of ten things he doesn’t like.”
“What about water?”
“Grok making a list of eleven things he doesn’t like.”
Beware when the Axipolosis appears at rest, for it is anything but.
I have crushed the skulls of thousands, but what do I do about this?
If you wish to know the sound of the rain, roll a ball down a hill. Once it stops, you will have your answer.
(^ Reisen)
He’s the most baleful zombie that ever baled.
Death is afraid to walk in the valley of the shadow of him.
“Yeah whatever, protection bitches.” – Progenitus
She is respected for her power and wanked-to for her beauty.
There are 7 words on Jund for “kill” but it doesn’t know any of them because it is a dog and dogs cannot talk.
“If I had a nickel for every time someone survived the Macrosanth, well… I wouldn’t have any nickels.” – Gwafa Hazid
The filigree drake flew majestically through the air just as a brick wouldn’t.
“I’ve got three good reasons why you should get out of my way.” – Jundian Triceratops-mage
(^ Pterrus)
When he enters play all the other creatures go “daaaaaaaaaayum.”
His comedy routine is the funniest in the world – too bad the only people to ever hear it are his victims.
The ground shook. The earth trembled. The universe imploded. The summoning was complete; too bad it didn’t matter because the universe had imploded.
His entire vocabulary consists of one word: “Destroy.”
“More like she who paints the earth red, am I right fell-” – Last words of Groggernockit, Goblin comedian
The beast was so large that it warped the space time continuum.
“Even I can’t touch it!” – Mycosynth Hammer on Progenitus
Men have been lost in its orifices, never to be seen again.
The creature slithered through the murk, and the murk shuddered.
(^ Crunchums)
The Grixis have no words for “want” in their language. Only “take”.
“Guide me, oh sword, for I shall be on my mighty steed Kantros by sundown, but the price shall be my soul!” – Bant War Song
When the angels entered the battlefield, the enemy scattered like rice thrown directly at the ground.
Awakening to the sight of Rashada, Queen of the Sphinx is like awakening to your own death. Neither is pleasant, and neither is possible.
The fortress often becomes a cage, but what happens when the cage becomes a fortress?
For the denizens of Jund, the presence of clouds on the horizon can mean only one thing: a storm is coming.
Naya is home to millions of different unique organisms, but the ones that survive the longest are the ones that never die.
“Take this weapon and avenge me,” said the angel. “It is a sword made out of the ivory tooth of a silverback whale.”
Grackhorn awoke with a thud! Was it a goblin who awoke his slumber? No, it was an orc!
The beasts of Chilxozoloth are so enormous, even the giants of Westfalthorn look like Ortrantus fire ants.
The children of Bant worship the Sun at different intervals. If the sun is highest, that means lunch, if it is in the west, that means it is time to get ready for sleep.
He had been called many things in his lifetime. Gargantuan. Merciless. Unforgiving. But nobody ever called him what he secretly wished they would: Pookie.
(^ Alfred)
The only thing louder than fury is silence.
“It would suck if that ate me.” – Bant Page
In unlife, the only death to fear is resurrection.
“If it bleeds, we should kill it.” – Esper Aeromancer
A deviant in Bant; A Casanova in Grixis.
There are no words… should have sent… a better writer…
As the planes fused their primal energies, something something, here’s a huge monster.
“Stray not from the house of the holy covenant lest you approach the bellhop to the gaping maw of the underbelly of the backbone of the brains of this evil operation.” – Riddle and/or Convocation of Aelaam
Its favorite game as a child was hide and maim.
The Sapro traders would sell their own mothers for half a squizz, if only they didn’t reproduce asexually via spore clouds.
His is the deadliest touch of all: The touch of death.
Few dared to stand before it. None were able to stand after it.
Where dragons once hunted, now sphinxes held council. The average peasant still went through pretty much the same crap though.
The air became fog, and then the fog became a tomb.
“If lava doesn’t solve your problem, you didn’t bring enough lava.” – Krakko, Goblin relationship counselor
The transplanted grixis bacteria quickly adapted to feed on etherium. Today over 12 million mages are infected. But by paying for artifacts marked with the blue sigil, you can do your part to help fight this disease.
In Naya, if you are not swift, your death will be.
“Esper mages tap like this:
*pantomimed rigid, precise tapping*
But grixis zombies tap like this:
*pantomimed smooth, funky tapping*” – Jund Stand-Up
Part Etherium, part chimera, all gladiator.
The only constants in Grixis are undeath and untaxes.
How do you stop a Rhox from charging? Take away its energy chamber.
The life of a hellion is like its body: nasty, brutish, and impossibly long.
It appeared to be a harmless plant, and it was.
“In his house at R’lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming.” – Elvish expression meaning “Pick me up some pie while you’re out”
Spovochs: I bet you can’t be eaten by just one.
It cannot spell, only counterspell.
Forced to decide between death and madness, he chose both.
No one has ever correctly filled out its favorite marketing survey, “At what time is it most convenient for you to be eaten?”
The only thing that lives on Naya is an incredibly diverse set of plants and animals.
Its claws were like the BlendTec Total Blender; their bodies were like 4 oranges, 2 ounces of vanilla coffee creamer and 10 ice cubes.
It could not feel pain. It could not feel remorse. It could only feel ~*love*~.
There are no laws in Bant, but there is a complex code of honor and a plethora of mores that are functionally equivalent.
Its coming heralded the end a vast empire which we forgot to mention existed before this flavor text.
(^ Vandermonde)
(These and many more flavor texts, by many more people, can be found here!)
In a stunning announcement today, Wizards of the Coast announced that the next Magic: The Gathering expansion set, called “Alara Reborn,” will conclude the story of Alara with an earth-shattering apocalypse.
Nearly every Magic block, from Invasion onward, has ended with armageddon.
“To be honest, I was looking forward to developing the plane of Alara further, perhaps integrating a continuous adventure into a progressive development of lore,” said Aaron Forsythe, lead designer of the new set. “Unfortunately, we have Miles Peterson in our office,” he continued, turning his head and glaring in the direction of an unkempt dork, giggling in his cubicle.
Miles Peterson was the lead story consultant hired immediately after Wizards of the Coast was acquired by Hasbro in September of 1999. One year later, the Invasion block began.
“Aaron always wants boring CRAP like that!” Peterson told us, reminiscient of Beavis from MTV’s “Beavis & Butthead.” “No!!! Kill ’em!! BOOM! DIE DIE DIE!!! hehe hehe hehe.”
“Kill ’em all! RAWR!! Hahahaha,” he added.
Peterson was hired directly by Hasbro, a Japanese company, and given ultimate authority over the overall direction of story development. For the Japanese have a proverb, as manifested in such Japanese blockbusters as “Akira,” “Princess Mononoke,” and “Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within”:
“Like, for the next five sets we could have emphasized the colors of each shard, like Torment did with Black,” Forsythe explained. “And THEN armageddon or whatever. But with Peterson in the office, we barely get started on a new plane before he insists on a plane-annihilating ragnarok.”
Across the way, Peterson screamed “DIE SUPERMAN!! ARRRGH!!” and smashed two action figures together repeatedly in a wild-eyed fury.
Pro MTG Online #217