Good Gamery

Author: paz

  • Introducing Ggameria





    You’ve seen it on the Internet. You’ve overheard your buddies at the local card shop talking in hushed and excited tones about it. Your mother even tells me that it’s the most stimulating thing in her life right now.

    But what is Ggameria?

    Why, Ggameria (gǝh-MƏH-ree-yuh) is a brand new plane in the Magic: The Gathering multiverse! And it just so happens to be the setting for the upcoming Magic set, enitled Events Upon Ggameria.





    Set: Events Upon Ggameria

    Abbreviation: GG1

    Block: Ggameria

    Cards: 300

    GG1 is not a joke set in the style of Unglued or Unhinged; none of the spells ask you to throw cards around like Frisbees or to take off your pants. It does have a lot of jokes, however (subtle jokes in card function, ridiculous flavor text, etc.), so feel free to LOL out loud as your gut directs.

    GG1 can be used as a stand-alone set or played with other Magic cards.


    Surely this news has caused your face to melt and brain to explode. But I’ll keep making this article anyway as a matter of principle.


    The plane of Ggameria is the only plane in the multiverse that entirely rests upon a creature. A massive, plane-sized turtle, to be exact. That turtle’s name is Ggamerion. His disposition is pleasant, but the action upon his back is anything but!

    That’s because Ggameria is home to no less than 15 different tribes. All of the tribes hate each other. And the intratribal situation isn’t very peaceful either. And all of this, while bad news for the tribes, is great news for a Magic player, who enjoys the thrill of Magical conflict far more than just sitting around the card shop, talking about plotholes in Star Trek movies.

    Anyway, tribal conflict = fun Magic. But who are these tribes? What’s their deal, anyway? Let’s take a look!

    We begin with the 5 monocolor tribes, whose flavor is so centered upon their piece of the color pie that Mark Rosewater himself would write 28 design articles about each one if WOTC employees were allowed to read about Ggameria. Which, of course, is forbidden.


    The first is the homunculi. These amorphous, tentacled abominations enjoy drawing cards, countering spells, and long walks on the beach — because they’re the mono blue tribe! The homunculi are one of the youngest races on Ggameria. But who created them? and for what purpose? Secrets.

    Click here to see the homunculus preview card.


    Then come the humans. Whereas humans on Earth come in a variety of colors and tones, humans on Ggameria are all white. And thus, they are the mono white tribe! The humans gather in little towns, work endlessly to perfect their little houses, elect inept governors, have too many children, and eagerly take advice from corrupt religious leaders. But more importantly, they often have activated abilities that target others and abilities that trigger when they’re targeted. Just like your average white collar office environment.

    Click here to see the white human preview card.


    Who’s next? The turtles! Called the Testudians on Ggameria, these quiet, elderly, shamanistic forest-dwellers would like nothing more than to find lands and generate mana in peace, as they’ve done for thousands of years. But these damn whippersnapper tribes with their hootin’ and a-hollerin’ are making that real tough. Turtles do not have a significant presence in the first set, Events Upon Ggameria. You’ll see why later.

    Click here to see the Testudian preview card.


    Next come the fiery amazon elementals. This perpetually aflame, all-female tribe of warrior-vixens is led by the Queen of Flames, Kylorra. Why no males? “Fire ‘reproduces’ just by touching flammable materials,” Kylorra told us while making “air quotes” with her flame fingers. “Frankly, there’s just no need for males.” The elementals excel at doing “red stuff”: fire-breathing, direct damage, haste, stuff like that. You know what I’m talking about.

    Click here to see the fiery amazon elemental preview card.


    Finally, we have the demons. Like the Testudians, the Ggamerian demons are a very ancient tribe. Once, the demons practiced villainy, killed recklessly, administered misanthropy, and wreaked general havoc. But millenniums is long y’all, and to be quite honest, the demons have run out of things to do. Now, they just kinda hang out while liking artifacts and milling people.

    Click here to see the ancient bored demon preview card.


    Now it’s time for a little FAQ.

    Q: Uh, what about the other 10 tribes?

    A: Stay tuned! More Ggameria articles to come! Up next is ALLIED COLOR PAIR TRIBES.

    Q: When will GG1 be released?

    A: Patience, my friend! A future Ggameria article will announce the Advent of GG1, with instructions for playing through Magic Workstation.

    Q: Okay cool.

  • Forty Dollar Mythic

    Forty Dollar Mythic

  • Darksteel Dinner Plate

    Darksteel Dinner Plate

  • Mox Opel

    Mox Opel

  • Like a Reprint from the Dark

    (Set to the tune of Rainbow in the Dark by Dio.
    Click here for YouTube SimulPlay.)


    When there’s Blightning

    You know it always brings me down

    Cause it deals three and I see that it’s me

    Who just lost another round

    I cry out for a blocker

    I feel it dancing in my hand

    It was cold, lost my hold

    To the tapping of Rag Man

    No sign of a finisher coming

    You’ve been left on your own

    Like a reprint from The Dark

    A reprint from The Dark

    Are the Demons

    Are they ever used in any decks?

    When you’ve tried do they hide in the bind-

    er of someone that you know?

    You’re just a player profile

    You’re a profile and a deck

    We’re alive you and I

    At least until you die

    There’s no sign of a blocker coming

    You’ve been left on your own

    Like a reprint from The Dark

    Just a reprint from The Dark

    When I draw Ball Lightning

    You know it always brings me down

    Cause it costs three and I see that it’s me

    Who just another round

    Feel the countermagic

    I feel it floating in the air

    But it’s just Fear and you’ll hear it calling you beware

    Look out!

    There’s no sign of a sweeper coming

    There’s no sign of a Day

    You’ve been left on your own

    Like a reprint

    Like a reprint from The Dark

    Yeeeaaah…

    You’re a reprint from The Daaaaark

    Just a reprint from The Dark

    No sign of a topdeck

    You’re a reprint – from The Dark

  • Genesis Wave

    Genesis Wave

  • Dangerous New Trend: Illegal Magic Gambling

    The Chicago Police Department wishes to warn citizens of the windy city about an emerging and disturbing new trend: illegal Magic gambling.

    While it looked rather harmless when it got started some two years ago, Magic gambling
    quickly gained popularity among the impressionable young men and women of the
    community. This, in time, caught the eyes of the crimes bosses and of those of an
    unscrupulous nature; it wasn’t long before they found a way to profit from it.

    “Now, we’ve got organized crime setting up illegal FNM circles throughout the city –
    and even beyond,” explains Sergeant Wooley from Chicago’s finest. “These unsanctioned
    events usually take place at night in abandoned warehouses and desert offices where
    police and DCI activity is minimal, and are overviewed by very dangerous people.”

    According to sergeant Wooley, attendants to these events can bet on the outcome of
    Magic: The Gathering single matches, while participants can purchase highly-sought
    mythic rare cards for exorbitant prices. Apparently, there’s always a shylock on location
    to help desperate players with card acquisition or aggressive debt repayment plans.

    Yet, despite (or because of) the shady circumstances surrounding these gatherings, many
    Magic players feel attracted to those events. The generous rewards and monetary gains
    attendants can generate certainly don’t hurt.

    “You get a foil card just for attending, or pretty much,” said one player who wishes to
    remain anonymous. “It’s shiny and stuff. It’s cool. Hell, it’s cooler than cool,” he added,
    all smiles. Another player could barely contain pissing his pants as he presented his ill-
    gotten gains: a foil, FNM watermarked Krosan Grip card. “It’s worth a good 2-3 dollars in a few stores around town,” he said, wide-eyed. Alas, these events being unsanctioned by the DCI, the foil cards handed out to the winners have sometimes been stolen. However, most are well-manufactured fakes barely worth the price of the cardboard they are made of.

    Degenerate gamblers who have come to gamble on pretty much everything, from the next
    day’s weather to the size of fly poop, are drawn to the events for different reasons. To
    them, Magic is just another game of chance they can manipulate, another opportunity to
    get even or “settle the score” easily.

    “Dog fighting is so passé,” said one such gambler, “because you have no control over
    the dogs. In Magic: the Gathering, every gambler worth his salt knows that Megrim
    trumps all, for instance, and the odds of someone playing that card in his deck makes
    winning much more probable.” A player’s skill level is also factored in a professional
    gambler’s betting decision, with DCI standings being evaluated on a daily basis.

    The police is asking for the population’s help with regards to the situation. Anyone with
    pertinent knowledge of these illicit events is urged to call Chicago PD’s 1-555-IAM-
    ARAT toll free line. This phone line is entirely anonymous, and no one will try to contact
    you.

  • Skittle Effigy

    Skittle Effigy

  • Mama Mia Drain

    Mama Mia Drain

  • Shocking Sighting at GP Gothenburg

    Big shock at GP Gothenburg, Sweden, when a woman who did not look like a beast was spotted amidst the crowd of uncouth men. How she got to be there remains unknown, however, but we believe she may have either walked, driven or taken a cab to the location. Regardless, the rather comely yet unidentified woman was apparently photographed by a Wizards of the Coast correspondent as she watched the final from behind would-later-be champion Kenny Öberg. In the minutes following the online publication of GP Gothenburg coverage and the accompanying picture, the internet erupted with violent manifestations against what many call “a blatant case of photoshopping” or “the biggest photographic hoax since the Loch Ness monster and Pamela Anderson’s face”.

    In an effort to keep our esteemed readership informed, we at Good Gamery have finally decided to present the controversial photograph, and let each of our dear readers make their own mind about the matter.


    Also in the photo (from left to right): too-cool-to-care redhead dude; perp staring straight at you; guy with a crazy look eyeballing the lone woman like he’s fresh out of jail after serving a eight-year sentence; mysterious forehead with receding hairline; the left side of a head (possibly some guy’s); and weird fella who looks like a serial killer from the seventies surveying potential targets.