Good Gamery

Author: slearch

  • Unforeseen Complications

    Magic has always been a social game. In the beginning you played with a deck and a friend. Then some people started experimenting with multiple opponents and partners. Now Archenemy allows you to take on a whole gang at once.

    We realize though that these options may not be enough for some people. Thanks to advancing social networking tools and declining mores, some players may find they have relationships that aren’t covered by our existing products and formats. It is for them we are proud to announce the It’s Arch-Complicated™ line of products starting in mid 2011. Among other configurations, It’s Arch-Complicated™ will allow you to:

    • Play with one other person who is your opponent on even numbered turns and your partner on odd numbered turns.
    • Play subgames with entirely different opponents, hopefully without your main game opponent noticing.
    • Play a series of mirror matches, so you can really get a good look how great your deck is in action.
    • Play with a partner whom you try to convince that damaging you and destroying your cards would be fun for both of you, and he or she should do so until you say “pineapple.”
    • Play a series of quick, casual games versus opponents who sat down expecting this to lead to a serious match.
    • Goldfish your deck while surreptitiously watching an unrelated game between unknowing strangers.
    • Play against up to 7 cats at a time.

    It is important to stress that even with these and other options approaching, there will still be limits. For instance, we will never support a format where you play against children. That would just be sick.

  • Leviathan Ultimus

  • Eldrazi Infant Mortality Rate Alarmingly High

    A study published in this month’s issue of The Journal Dominarian Alchemy finds that 97.6% of eldrazi spawn do not survive infancy. Here to explain this shocking statistic is lead researcher Figdab Bibblebob.

    The greatest obstacle to a new eldrazi’s survival is his species’ peculiar choice of spawning grounds. While the fossil record indicates that in ages past they were allowed some time to develop their skills in play, they are now birthed directly onto a battlefield.

    This practice has proved sustainable for groups with hardier young, such as the kraken genus. Eldrazi young however have almost no combat capabilities and no way to evade or shroud themselves from more dangerous creatures.

    Most of the deaths we recorded weren’t even from intentional attacks on the spawn though. They have a dreadful lack of situational awareness, and were often seen wandering in front of all manner of beasts, knights, and demons that were charging at someone else entirely. It was such a common occurrence that my team started joking that the safest place to be in a fight was directly behind the nearest eldrazi cub.

    We didn’t just learn that they were helpless and oblivious though. They are also incredibly nutritious and tasty, based on the numbers we saw devoured. Their blood is also considered a delicacy in vampire high society, and some of this group was poached to satisfy that lucrative market.

    Perhaps the most ironic factor though is that several primitive cultures surrounding their native habitat have taken to sacrificing them in intricate rituals designed to summon the adult eldrazi to their side to hopefully do their bidding. When the unfortunate spawn in question’s progenitors show up to kill everyone involved, it just reinforces that the ritual works.

    Despite all this, I still hold out some hope for this majestic and horrible race. Some activist artificers have laid out plans to provide the spawn with armor, gliders, and most importantly maps to help them survive long enough to get somewhere less lethal to stay until they’ve grown self-sufficient. Also, while this particular survey is dire, there may be some comfort in its 2.5% margin of error.

  • All is Dust

    Looking at this Bloodbraid Elf in my summoning book, I can’t help but wonder, “What’s the point?” Even if by some miracle it doesn’t get countered, I’m just going to end up sacrificing it like I sacrificed the last 5 creatures unfortunate enough to enter my service. I suppose there’s always the cascaded spell, but it will probably be another Borderland Ranger. I just know I’ll have to sacrifice him too.

    At least I’ll get a land out of it. But is more mana really what I need? I used to think so, back on turn 1; I was so naïve then. First it was 2 land, then 4, then I thought if I just got to ultimatum mana I’d be satisfied. Now here I am with 10 untapped lands, and I’m still miserable.

    Sure they might not die immediately. Maybe they’ll even get to deal some damage. Is that what I’ve come to – hurting others to feel better about myself? Being a planeswalker was supposed to be the rarest and most wonderful of gifts. And how am I using that gift? I’m lashing out at people whose only crime is reminding me of myself.

    Well I’ve had enough. I’m going to leave this rat race behind and turn my life around. I think I’ll planeswalk to somewhere peaceful. Maybe a nice beach that doesn’t serve as a spawning bed for krakens, or a forest with regular-sized wildlife with non-magical claws. Yeah, somewhere I can relax, drink some briarberry juice, and enjoy a nice book. I’ve always wanted to finish The Necrologia.

  • Memnarch to Face Trade Descriptions Lawsuit

    GALDROON PALACE, MIRRODIN – Eccentric artificer Memnarch is due to appear in interplanar court after a number of Zendikari mages lodged complaints that they had been mislead regarding a new spell. The dispute appears to have arisen over Memnarch’s attempts to corner the leveling-up market.

    “I’d heard about powerleveling from a friend of a friend,” one lighthouse chronologist told GoodGamery.com. “I’m sure I don’t have to tell you how difficult it is getting up to level seven on a plane like Zendikar, so I thought I’d try one out – not that they came cheap, mind you.”

    Leveler
    “[It] looked like a Juggernaut to me.”
    says one victim.

    But this curious wizard was in for a nasty surprise. “When I cast the spell, this thing – looked like a Juggernaut to me, but I didn’t get a good look at it – just shows up and eats my entire lighthouse. It was the lighthouse that my father guarded, and his father before him, and now I can’t even Recall it back!”

    Over in Guul Draz, a young assassin was having similar problems. “I’d just learned to Disfigure, and I having a kind of a party to celebrate. My friends said they’d picked up this spell that would allow them to Death Pulse, and, you know – I didn’t know if it was safe, but I didn’t want to look like a pussy. So they used this spell, and – the entire house is gone. My parents are gonna kill me.”

    Flyers have been put up around the Cliffhaven area warning knights against using spells that may have come from Mirrodin, and a new magic security awareness program has been introduced in schools. “Times are dangerous enough as it is without these unreliable spells going off,” said a pair of local Kor Sanctifiers. “Whoever is selling this stuff ought to be ashamed.”

    The ‘powerlevel’ magic has been linked back to Memnarch, the controversial Mirrodin Premier. A spokesmyr for the Panopticon had this to say: “The spells that were sold to fleshy Zendikari mages were exactly as described. Any miscommunication that may have occured was not the fault of the immaculate Watcher.”

    Memnarch will appear at the Tower of the Magistrate next week before a Soulsworn Jury, but he is expected to pay W to return the Conviction to its owner’s hand.

  • Chumba Umbra

  • Four Dead in Expedition Tragedy

    ZENDIKAR – Jwari Shapeshifter, well known for boasting that “the best expedition would be an entire team of me,” set out on Tuesday with three fellow shapeshifters on a quest to find the Gravelord in an attempt to prove this boast.

    Tragedy struck the team of allies, when upon entering the battlefield, all four were placed into the graveyard as a state-based effect. Witnesses reported the Jwari looking around helplessly before immediately falling to the ground.

    “They all had Adventuring Gear, and they had the help of an Expedition Map, so it wasn’t like they came unprepared,” said a nearby Eternal Witness. “They just didn’t have a chance to respond.”

    On a lighter note, the Jwari Shapeshifters were successful in thier quest despite the personal setbacks – a 5/5 zombie giant calling himself “The Gravelord” has recently begun terrorizing a local village.

  • Mnemonic Wall

  • Your Jace Is Not Safe

    The sad reality of Christmas is that you don’t always get everything you want. This year, an even sadder reality for some of you is that your friends got what they wanted (From the Vault: Jace) and your decks have no answer for the powerful cards they added to theirs. Well, we at Good Gamery have designed the perfect card for you.

    This should put you on equal footing with those spoiled jerks. When you’re at their houses playing magic (because obviously you can’t play Magic at your house) bust this card out and they won’t know what hit them!

  • Oran-Riefer Madness