Category: M11 contest entry

Alright, let me set this straight: I am not Garruk’s “companion”. So please, stop calling me that. I am tired of people calling me that with an amused smile on their lips like they want to imply something. Yeah, yeah, I am well aware that a man – planeswalker or no – who spends all of his time in the woods still has “guy needs”, but I’m telling you, I don’t have anything to do with that. That’s not the way I roll.

So yeah, like your mother and sister said, I’m a beast. As a beast, I can do lots of things for you on the battlefield. So, play with me. I mean, CAST me, goddammit. Not play PLAY, you know? *Sigh*. You are all perverts. Just… just have me enter the battlefield, alright? On turn two seems fine, but any other turn is good also if you’re afraid of Mana Leak or something. Hey, I can gladly run over some puny dudes for you, if that’s what you want… Wait. That’s not what I mean! Well, actually it is, but your sick little mind is twisting my words! I mean to say that I have Trample, nothing more!! I don’t… repeatedly… with my antlers…By Emeria, no!! My antlers are brown just like tree bark is brown, and there’s no other reason to it! What the hell is wrong with you people!?

(Garruk’s Companion *snicker* has left the building.)

Garruk Wildspeaker could not be reached for comment as he was allegedly “hunting” on Lorwyn at the time.

This article is a Summer of Emilevin’ contest entry. This 6 week contest gives out both weekly prizes and final prizes of booster packs! You are invited to participate and compete by making some awesome and/or hilarious content of your own! Click on the Summer of Emilevin’ banner above for more information.

(This article contains zombie language.)

Warren Brothers announced earlier today its summer 2012 blockbuster movie, “Armageddon 2: Nightmares from Space,” which, they tout, hearkens back to the classic horror movies of the seventies. While we already know Bruce Willis won’t be returning to the franchise, we were pleasantly surprised to learn that two Wizards of the Coast employees would get the chance to take their first tentative steps into the movie industry. Richard and Chris, of Rotting Legion fame, were picked to play the roles of two major zombie villains in the movie. We caught up with the lucky two in Washington, a few hours before they boarded a plane to Los Angeles.

“Yeah, it’s a wonderful feeling we’re having right now,” said Richard, the oldest of the two lucky corpses. “We’ve all been shambling and rotting for so long, we were starting to think that maybe our chance would never come. At least, I know I was.”

“In this business, you have a rather short window of employment,” added Chris, a clayish cadaver who first appeared as Gluttonous Zombie some years ago before losing a lot of weight and expanding his resume with Rotting Legion. “After a while, so much meat has fallen off that you can’t really land a gig as a zombie. You have to settle for some figuration work, far in the background where no one can really see you, and then you’re off the zombie wagon stuck doing skeleton work.”

“But zombie work is so different from skeleton work, you really must go back to actor school or something to relearn everything. It’s not an easy transition for most of us,” added Richard. “Plus, there’s no expiration date for skeletons, unless they’re ground to dust or something. So the most experienced skellies land the most gigs, and they stay the most experienced until they tire of it. It can take a while for a new guy to get a decent job.”

When asked about the script, the eyes of the two rotting pieces of what was once human meat lit up. Richard was the first to speak.

“I play the role of this famous lawyer who has just put an end to his relationship with this famous actress because of a dark secret and… ha ha! Just kiddin’! We walk around, trying to catch a guy and his kid in a city devastated by a meteor that’s transformed all of the dead into zombies. We don’t catch that guy – I mean, he’s the hero of the movie – but we do catch his best friend later on and all gang up on him. It’s pretty gory.”

“We chew on his brain! How cool is that!?!” Said a rather excited Chris.

“It’s gonna be a great movie! A heck of a thrill ride, I’m sure of it,” Richard added, then paused for a few seconds before continuing. “The producers also want us to stress the fact that there’s lots of tits…sorry, public nudity… in the film,” said Richard hesitantly, apparently a bit sensitive about the issue. We’re not ET or TMZ or anything, but we HAD to ask about that. Both immediately got an apologetic, pus-oozing look on their faces.

“Yeah, we’re no longer into that sort of thing so I feel a bit uncomfortable selling it,” explained Richard. “I’ve been… unequipped… for a while, now. Still, it’s kinda weird to think about the old Behemoth Sledge. I’m okay with it now because some time has passed, but, you know, it used to be such a huge part of my life…”

“…Oh yeah, HUGE,” he added, with a smile that probably would never land him a job on a toothpaste ad.

“Same for me. Hey, that reminds me: I think I left my ‘Trusty Machete’ somewhere in the car on my way here, along with some chunk of abdomen,” said Chris. “I really need to get that stuff out of there before the stink messes up the car for good… it’s a rental,” he explained.

When interrogated about their current jobs as a Magic: the Gathering creatures, both zombies seemed ill at ease.

“Frankly, I’m not seeing this gig leading us anywhere,” confessed Richard after a while. Chris nodded in approval. “It’s just that, well, we do have a decent, if somewhat uncommon, power/toughness… and it’s only proper, seeing as there must be ten of us squeezed into the same card… However, we do cost 5 mana to play, and then we enter the battlefield tapped…”

“Plus we don’t fly,” Chris chimed in. “So, I mean, seriously, there’s better creatures out there for the mana. If only we had deathtouch, or even an activated ability…”

“Everybody at Wizards has been very supportive, and they all congratulated us on our new job. They seemed genuinely happy for us.” Richard said. “I think they’ll replace us with Gary and Steve, the dudes from Rank and File… that is, if they’ve haven’t lost too much flesh already,” he promptly added.

“Isn’t Gary (the one-headed one) busy working on Skeletonize?” asked Chris. Richard couldn’t confirm.

When asked about what they expect after their first movie job, the two zombies simply shrugged.

“We’re hoping this one movie will give us the exposure we need to land a few other gigs, make a name in the business.”

“Put some meat on the resume, ha ha ha,” laughed Chris.

“We really wanted to get cast in the upcoming Walking Dead tv series, but sadly we weren’t picked for the pilot; we didn’t have any experience back then. But there’s tons of zombies in that comic slash movie, and most of them die (again) at some point or another, so they’re bound to need us somewhere down the line. We’re pretty hopeful,” concluded Richard.

So, there you have it. It certainly is possible to lead a purposeful life away from Magic: the Gathering, but it may still stink. In the meantime, be sure to check Richard and Chris in Armageddon 2: Nightmares from Space, which should hit theatres in June or July next year. Don’t blink, or it may already be on video.

This article is a Summer of Emilevin’ contest entry. This 6 week contest gives out both weekly prizes and final prizes of booster packs! You are invited to participate and compete by making some awesome and/or hilarious content of your own! Click on the Summer of Emilevin’ banner above for more information.

Renton, WA. — The impromptu diffusion late Friday of a possible new card has shocked Magic: the Gathering fans and players around the globe, as the news spread like the plague across the internet. The card, depicting a young Adonis, is apparently the first of many, and is part of a bold marketing strategy by local hobby manufacturer Wizards of the Coast to bring more women — and social recognition — to the game. Facing this avalanche of discontentment, Wizards decided to set the records straight with its fans.

“It is a well-known fact that most Magic players are male,” said Wizards representative Mark Rosewater with an awkward smile. “Generic, unkempt males. I mean, you attend any of our Pro Tour tournament, and it’s pretty clear that Sausage Fest is the best way to describe it. And it’s not the fresh, just out-of-the-butcher’s-shop kind of deli we all chew on with a smile, if you know what I mean. Nor do you have the bucket of stale, foreign ale to wash it down, like you would during Oktoberfest.”

Yet for years, Wizards of the Coast was fine with that.

“But that was before Justin Bieber,” a more somber Rosewater added. “Our pro players realized they wanted not just the blue envelope (money prizes awarded to the best players), but also the fame that came with it. Suddenly, they wanted to live like rock stars. Live fast, die young. Sex, Drugs and Magic: the Gathering. The usual. Suddenly, Baneslayer Angels and Primeval Titans just weren’t enough to keep them happy.”

“We could no longer ignore our players’ requests,” Rosewater rambled on. “They wanted swarms of more than relentless rats. They wanted scores of wailing young banshees with breasts bouncing all over the battlef… errr, place. The way we had been doing things, we just couldn’t provide them with that.

“We reasoned that if we could bring more girls into the Magic bandwagon, we would have more female fans going out of their minds as our pro players stepped to the finals table. It’s a decision we did not make lightly, but we felt it was necessary. Again, all the better to please our mostly-male customers.”

In an attempt to increase the female demographic playing Magic and attending sanctioned events, Wizards of the Coast announced today that their Fat Packs (introductory products) will no longer contain printed 18 X 11 toilet paper, but will instead come loaded with a complimentary bar of soap. The very first such bar of soap will feature an exclusive Jace, Mind Boggler engraving by Chimp Jackman.

“Not to spoil the surprise, but there will be bars of soap rarer than others. There’s even plans for a mythic rare bar of soap late in 2013,” Rosewater added, “If the idea picks up.”

“It’s going to feel pretty special to wash your armpits with Jace,” admitted the Wizards representative, “We at Wizards Headquarters have had the chance to use those Jace soaps for a few weeks already, and you better believe they are astounding. We all smell pretty darn fresh. Our hopes is that our Pro Tour players will do the same, and that entering that community center will feel more like entering a florist’s shop than opening the garbage can under an unrelenting summer sun. That, we believe, is the first step towards bringing the girls to the game,” Febreze-scented Rosewater added, visibly content.

The second step, it would appear, involves the leaked card and others of its ilk. Shirtless Werewolf, the card that caused all the commotion when it was leaked late last Friday, is proposed as an alternative to commonplace bikinimail-clad female characters in current fantasy art.

“With the departure of Rebecca Guay from our list of regular artists, we needed a way to make the girls look at our cards and say: Hey! This game is pretty cool!” second Wizards representative Aaron Forsythe touted. “If the girls like the art, the girls will play the game. It’s as simple as that. And most girls are not impressed by huge dragons gobbling skittle-sized humans, or even planeswalkers with huge breasts torching the whole world in a fit of fury. They are harder to please.”

“But I’ve known the way for years,” he added with a grin, before lifting his shirt and revealing a flat, perfectly defined muscular abdomen. “Been working on it myself between drafts and shits.”

“And I mean that last part in the literal sense,” he concluded, smugly.

So far, however, the players themselves seemed more alarmed than pleased about the soon-to-be abundance of hunks on their cards.

“I don’t want to tap this shirtless creature,” said one homophobic player who didn’t want to be identified. “I mean, it’s so gay. He’s supposed to be a werewolf, but where’s the hair, you know?”

“I’m quitting the game as soon as those cards are tournament-legal,” said another player, before sticking up a dime-sized booger underneath the table and scrubbing the remains off of his black ChannelFireball t-shirt, where it left a faintly glossy mark.

“We’ll simply make the cards better. We can do it. We have the technology,” said Rosewater, after being confronted with what those players and others had said earlier. “We’ve done absurd cards before. We’ll do it again until touching [the hunk cards] feels natural. On the plus side, you can expect a lot more boobs flashing during sanctioned events,” added Rosewater with a slightly pervy smile. “And not just from the guy with the fat breasts who’s been eating KFC all weekend-long”.

Shirtless Werewolf and its brethren will be available in a little more than twelve months, when Phyrexia Rising hits stores across North America. Until then, players will be able to pick up the very first “hunk card” at FNM events throughout the month of November, as a foil, alternate-art Ancient Ooze card.