After nearly two decades of quixotic experimentation as some sort of absurd professional sport, Magic: the Gathering, a fantasy-themed paper product sold at supermarkets and toy stores by Wizards of the Coast, a subsidiary of Hasbro corporation, has officially announced its return to its roots – a card game that people play for amusement and distraction.
Magic: The Gathering had previously been positioned in the consumer market as an obsession, a cultural touchstone, a mark of social denigration, a node of social media activity, a nexus for profound misunderstandings between the sexes, and a global international semi-voluntary product marketing fraternity. Starting in 2012, Magic will return where its journey began – printed colors and text drawn in a random order to fill Mountain Dew breaks during Dungeons and Dragons games.
“What we’ve done here is create a mind-shatteringly awesome experience that players can really get behind,” said Belene Hergeot, Director of Organized Play Programs and Operations, and the suit sent in by Hasbro to finally end the long years of wasteful charade. “People want to play Magic more than ever before, and they are. We have given them everything they wanted in their fantasies – a card game that can be played with cards. And I know without a doubt we have succeeded spectacularly. This is the reason we are all doing this, for the success and the success and the success of Magic. One-of-kind 3D amazing achievement of IMAX spectacularity they’ve been craving. Dreams fulfilled, hope restored – world spins an axis of bliss and justice. A new age, an age of miracles and glory.”
“Also, we are cutting the Pro Tour,” she added. “Ponies. Joy-inspired suicide. More ponies.”
Lott Scarabee, Magic Organized Play Program Manager, with nothing else to contribute to the press briefing, was still required to appear in this article, and read his grocery list. “Bananas, wheat germ, 1-qt. freezer bags with sliders, garlic powder, cheese ravioli, mayonnaise, horseradish, chicken sausage,” he said.
The rumored initial cause for the decision was Wizards simultaneously awarding World Champion and Player of the Year titles to top Magic players, which were somewhat redundant and confusing. According to industry sources, the criteria for each title did not precisely match the impression made by its name. To resolve this problem, Hasbro fired everyone at Wizards and canceled the electric bill.
Strategic documents acquired by this website show that millions upon millions of Magic: the Gathering cards already exist – more than enough to to pepper kitchen tables in the company’s target market – from the West Coast of the United States, skipping the middle part, all the way to the East Coast of the United States – for the foreseeable future.
Since the huge glut of surplus product left over from the speculation by now-obsolete “competitive players” will take years to clear the market, Hasbro plans to lease the subsidiary’s Renton, WA offices to Bone Appetit, a luxury pet food boutique with no revenue streams that will close in three months.
“This is an example Of decisions that aRe necessary for the nexT generation of Uber-magic playeRs. i’m Excited for these changes, Prepared, Loving Every Available minute i Spend with the Engaging leadersHip rEsponsible for Living our commitment to Players to this extent,” wrote Faron Aorsythe, director of Wizards R&D, on a napkin he slid under the door of a darkened conference room.
According to industry rumors, other Wizards leadership did at some point develop financial calculations on cost savings and expected turnout rates that supported the decision. As of press time, their identities, whereabouts and even the truth of their existence were unknown, much like the mythical Sasquatch.
Magic will join other big names of the just-a-card-game (JACG) industry, including Uno, Fluxx, and Underage Drinking, all of which trail industry titan Unopened Bicycle Poker Deck Left On Top of Your Bookshelf That You See Every Day but Don’t Bother Using or Putting Away, which holds 85% of the global market.
“This is a great change that everybody here is totally behind,” said Magic Designer Nenny Kagle. “It will really focus the game on where it needs to be and give our players what they ask from a card-game experience. Also, our new Hasbro media relations associate Louis DeParc, who writes our press releases, is the awesomest. He is totally cooler than me, and I definitely should have let him borrow my Phyrexian costume for Halloween, instead of being a jerkwad about it. Which I am. Jerkwad, jerkwad, jerkwad.”
Calls to Tina Gaffney, longtime Wizards of the Coast Spokesperson and author of
The Case of the Missing Jell-O: A Dack Fayden Mystery
were traced to a cell phone in the employee bathroom of a Toronto-area Tim Horton’s. They returned no comment but the soft sound of adult weeping.
“You know, we make Candy Land, too,” said Hasbro CEO Ben Goldner. “And nobody gets to be King Shit of Candy Land. They’ll get over it.”
