Category: mtg
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Casual Product Roundup
One of Magic’s greatest strengths is the player’s ability to create their own game experience. Not only can you generate an astoundingly large different number of decks, you can change the very rules themselves. Several of these variants have gained widespread acceptance, and we’ve finally gotten around to making you pay us for them.
Momir Basic
Now you and your backwards, Luddite friends can enjoy the format that Magic Online players are raving about at your own kitchen table! Includes:
- 60 Basic Lands
- Momir Vig Avatar
- Token copies of every printing of every creature, ever
MSRP: $149.99
Mental Magic
Experience magic’s entire rich history, or at least the parts you can come up with on the spot. Includes:
- Blank Cards with Casting Costs
- Dry Erase Marker
MSRP: $16.99
Cube
Experience the endless replayability of draft with the power and synergy of constructed at the expense of both! Includes:
- Large Plastic Case
- Empty, resealable Packs
- Powerful and Exciting Cards Sold Separately
MSRP: $59.99
DC10
Restrictions breed creativity, which can be a real burden. Now with DC10 you can turn off your brain and cast huge monsters. Includes:
- Spin-Down Mana Counters
- 200 10-Cent Rares
- 3-5 Barns for Shuffling
MSRP: $21.99
Two-Headed Giant
Take a break from the frustration of losing to your best friend by exchanging it for the frustration of your best friend causing you to lose to others. Includes:
- Blame Token
- List of suggested semantic arguments the format gives rise to
- Coupon for half-price surgery to literally graft your head to your partner’s body
MSRP: $1.19
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Summer of Emilevin’ Week 5 VOTE!
This was a powerful and complete week of Emilevin’ articles! Today, it is your duty to VOTE and help determine which Week 5 item will earn its creator some boosters.
Click here to VOTE! (You must register on the GG Forum to vote, of course.)
Here are the five items you’ll be voting on:
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Life after Yawgmoth
The events of the year 4205, commonly – if dramatically – referred to as ‘The Apocalypse’, left a lot of unresolved problems for Dominaria as a whole to deal with. Now, ten years later, the Good Gamery news team has set out to find the answer to one question nobody seems to want to ask: What happened to all the artifacts?
“Just look at this thing,” sighs Saldrath, the celebrated artificer and optician known for his work restoring the Glasses of Urza. He sits back hopelessly in his chair and hands us a Phyrexian Lens. Sure enough, only a murky darkness is visible through the innocuous glass eyepiece. “It can’t have always been like this,” Sadrath grumbles. “Otherwise they wouldn’t have been able to see, right?”
The optometrical tragedy is not an isolated incident. Historical relics and household conveniences alike bearing the mark of the Father of Machines have ceased to function ever since his destruction ten years ago. Junior research assistants walking through Phyrexian Portals have gone missing. Phyrexian Processors produce 0/0 specimens, which are put in their owner’s graveyards as a state-based action. Phyrexian Vaults refuse to lock their doors.
Although these malfunctions may seem trivial compared to the large-scale ecological changes that have occured across Dominaria in the past decade, some experts are concerned about their lasting impact. Kabel, Tolarian archivist, tells us: “the fact is, we don’t know if society can function without Phyrexian power. Obviously we can do without the Phyrexian War Beasts and such, but what about Phyrexian Dishwashers? Phyrexian AC Converters? Phyrexian Change Sorters? No-one likes to admit it, but our economy is heavily reliant on Phyrexian manufacturing.”
Certainly big talk, but for one Kjeldoran patrolman, the effects of the crisis have a more immediate form. Thangbrand Gyrdsson stands kneedeep in snow outside his newly-built home, futilely adjusting dials on his Phyrexian Snowcrusher. “Every winter, we go through this,” Thangbrand seethes, sticking his head into one of the many dormant chimneys on the juggernaut’s surface. “Give me the Invasion any day!”
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Would You Like to Play a Game of Magic: the Gathering?
Hello, would you like to play a game of Magic: the Gathering? Great! Go ahead, sit down. You know, I’ve been trying to get a game going all day, but these people have just been awful. You seem cool, though. I think we’re going to have a good game.
Oh, what’s that deck you have there? I saw an Island. Merfolk, huh? It doesn’t have any counterspells in it, does it? I hate counterspells. They’re just no fun to play against. Getting your spell countered is just the worst, you know? Would you mind playing with a different deck? Yeah, thanks.
Wait, did I spot a Wasteland just now while you were shuffling? What are you running that card for? We’re playing casual here. This isn’t like some Legacy tournament. I mean, sure, Wasteland’s a good card, but landkill is just lame outside tournaments. Magic‘s more fun when everybody gets to play their spells. You agree, don’t you? Of course you do. Oh, good, you’re switching decks again.
So now what’ve you got there? Mono-black, huh? Cool. You can go first. Wait, Duress? Didn’t I say no discard? I’m pretty sure I mentioned it. I hate discard. Losing your spells before you even get to cast them is terrible. No, no, don’t worry about it. Just draw another card to replace it. My turn? Great. Okay, Tundra, Mana Crypt, Sol Ring, Time Walk. What are you looking at me like that for? You’ve played this game before, right? Sometimes you just draw the nuts. My turn again. Island, Black Lotus. No, wait, watch this. Tap everything and cast Stasis and Kismet. No, no, wait! Cast Tinker, sacrifice the Crypt, and get Eon Hub! Isn’t that insane? You’re locked out for the rest of the game, on turn 2!
Hey, wait a minute. Where are you going? The game’s not even close to over yet! I thought you were cool. I thought we could just play a fun casual game. What are you, a flake? Oh, yeah? Why don’t you come over here and say that? You take that back! My mother is a saint! Go to hell! Yeah, keep walking! God, why is everyone who plays this game such a dick? No one wants to play a simple casual game. Fucking asshole.
Oh, hello. Would you like to play a game of Magic: the Gathering? Great! Go ahead, sit down.
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Garruk’s Companion
Alright, let me set this straight: I am not Garruk’s “companion”. So please, stop calling me that. I am tired of people calling me that with an amused smile on their lips like they want to imply something. Yeah, yeah, I am well aware that a man – planeswalker or no – who spends all of his time in the woods still has “guy needs”, but I’m telling you, I don’t have anything to do with that. That’s not the way I roll.
So yeah, like your mother and sister said, I’m a beast. As a beast, I can do lots of things for you on the battlefield. So, play with me. I mean, CAST me, goddammit. Not play PLAY, you know? *Sigh*. You are all perverts. Just… just have me enter the battlefield, alright? On turn two seems fine, but any other turn is good also if you’re afraid of Mana Leak or something. Hey, I can gladly run over some puny dudes for you, if that’s what you want… Wait. That’s not what I mean! Well, actually it is, but your sick little mind is twisting my words! I mean to say that I have Trample, nothing more!! I don’t… repeatedly… with my antlers…By Emeria, no!! My antlers are brown just like tree bark is brown, and there’s no other reason to it! What the hell is wrong with you people!?
(Garruk’s Companion *snicker* has left the building.)
Garruk Wildspeaker could not be reached for comment as he was allegedly “hunting” on Lorwyn at the time.
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Elspeth Photograph Controversy
BANT – Alara’s feminists are outraged at Planeswalker Magazine for magically touching up a cover shot of Elspeth in its latest issue.
“It’s just ridiculous,” said one Village Elder. “Everyone knows Elspeth has a mole on her face but they think they can just Alter Reality without anyone noticing.”
An unaltered image of Elspeth, taken while she was out on a date with her boyfriend, Tezzeret.
This isn’t the first time Planeswalker has been scorned for “touching up” an image. Longtime readers remember when the magazine hired Tomoya the Revealer for a peek through Nissa Revane’s shirt. More recently, Fortune Thief excoriated the magazine for giving her new proportions, though she refused to say whether they were mythic or epic.
“All of this focus on looking perfect sends a terrible message to Alara’s young women,” says Jhessian Lookout, a cultural watchdog. “The pressure on them is so intense, it’s no wonder anorexia rates are the highest they’ve ever been. Women are more than just objects to be tapped and untapped but more and more of them are Goblin War Painting their Faces of the Past profile pictures to make themselves skinnier.”
The cover is reproduced below; does it go too far?
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Build-a-Bear Games Workshop
The Empire of Man’s quartermasters know that the grim darkness of the 40th millennium can get awfully lonely, not to mention dangerous. That’s why our special unit lets you create a customized lovable little companion to provide friendship and suppressing fire when you need them most. In fact, we offer such a wide variety of potential combinations, that some find assembling the right one daunting. That’s why this guide is here to help you through each station.
Race
In addition to earth bears, several types of deadly predators from other worlds are available to base your cuddly warrior on. However, you should be aware that all non-bear choices are blasphemous, and will result in you being immediately handed over to the inquisition.
Heart
The first and most important step to creating your adorable homonculus is to write your true name and a rune of command on a heart, and sew it into its chest. This will serve to animate it and bind it to you. It will also help it remain steadfast and true when it is faced with the harsh realities of combat, and the even harsher unrealities of the warp.
Weapon
Your little familiar’s weapon is his most important tool, and must be selected with care. So be sure to carefully weigh the pros and cons of each before choosing between the machine gun with flamethrower mode and under-barrel energy chainsaw, and the energy chainsaw with side-mounted flamethrower and machine gun.
Armor
A suit of power armor is essential in ensuring that your fluffy friend retains its grotesque parody of life. It provides head-to-toe coverage, but provides special protection for the construct’s notoriously vulnerable shoulders. Shoulder armor defaults to Maximo Supreme but for a manageable surcharge can be upgraded to Uber Grande or even Ultra Platinum which is guaranteed to stop even the most devastating shoulder-seeking missiles.
Accessories
Once his armor is in place, you can choose to further adorn your bear buddy with packets of crosses, holy texts, and spikes. But what isn’t optional is decorating him with tiny ursine skulls. We recommend a belt of skulls, a medallion of skulls and liberal skull placement about the armor, but in case that’s not enough, we also offer a procedure to graft extra skulls to its skull.
Paint
Let’s be honest, you’re just gonna leave the little guy black or silver.
Message
Finally, you can record a custom battle cry for your fuzzy wingman to memorize and shout at his enemies. Or you can settle for a half-hearted prerecorded option such as “I’m pretty sure the Emperor will return, sooner or later” or “Cleanse all the heretics you can easily locate with fire.”
Sure, you could probably put this all together yourself cheaper without coming to us, but it just wouldn’t be the same…somehow.
