Good Gamery

Month: April 2009

  • Lord of Jund to Nationalize Dragons

    HARRIS FAMILY DINING ROOM TABLE — In a bold, costly attempt to end instability and conflict brought on by the summoning spells of mighty wizards, Karrthus, Tyrant of Jund announced the nationalization of all dragons on Tuesday. The move puts a variety of key economic functions under the direct control of Karrthus, including Hunting, Harvesting Devastation, Igniting and Awakening, as well as the tides, most of the stars, and the Game-Trail department.

    If successful, Lord Karrthus would come into play, assume sole control of all dragons, and untap them with state resources. The plan does not require the consent of the dragons, and, upon execution, would be permanent. Current dragonholders would be wiped out.

    “We know this will take massive resources and has a low probability of success,” said Karrthus during a recent whistle-stop tour of five mountains, a scrubland and the City of Brass. “But these dragons represent an unacceptable systemic risk that only the government can properly untap and administer.”

    When asked whether the Karrthus administration would put restrictions on the dragons to prevent them from continued ravaging, Jund Press Secretary Flameblast Dragon said, “All dragons are on the table at this point.”

    It is by far the most expensive and broad dragon nationalization on record, although Karrthus has been quick to point out that dragon seizures are fairly common during periods of interplanar conflict. Previous plans, however, tended to take place at half the cost, in one color, with broad legislative support, and with counter backup.

    Even in those cases, the plans were unpopular, and this one is not without its detractors.

    A coalition against the nationalization, led by former Nicol Bolas minion Malfegor, has mobilized in protest. In support of the effort Malfegor is, through a third-party vendor, selling limited-edition posters of Lord Kathara teabagging him.

    “We’re not sure he knows what he means,” said one zombie on the condition of anonymity, “but we’re willing to humor him if puts that uppity Jundie in his place.”

    A press release from Malfegor’s staff office read, “This is more tap-and-spend from a government that has run out of ideas. We’ve all heard of big plans like this before, but how many of those plans ever resolved? All our swamps are still tapped from the Debtors’ Knell he tried to play last turn, and we’re not seeing that anytime soon. A DRAGON WILL NOT BE RULED!”

    When asked about Malfegor, Karrthus remarked, “Of course dragons can be ruled. That’s the basis for the entire dragon system of government. As Mr. Malfeagor knows all too well, there is always a greater power.”

    “Also, you can do pretty much anything for seven mana.”

    Karrthus confirmed that, barring counters, the action would be completed with haste.

  • Dr. Hisoka: “Magic Players are Losers”

    Cascade shows how, deep down, all Magic players are losers, says Hisoka, Minamo Sensei, widely known outside the Magic world for his moving and direct psychiatric diagnosis.

    Introduced on “The Visara Show,” the Sensei — who prefers to be called “Dr. Hisoka” — quickly expanded his reach to millions of Magic players nationwide, who tune in to his show daily.

    Commenting on one of the new abilities introduced in Alara Reborn, “Cascade,” Dr. Hisoka said that the excitement generated by the mechanic was “misguided at best”.

    “Cascade is a powerful mechanic, but it is also a cry for help from the game’s designers, who obviously have no social life and need to get more friends,” a wide-eyed Dr. Hisoka explained in a Texan drawl. “What they’ve done is created versions of themselves as cards — versions of themselves that have friends. Their standards are as low as their self-esteems! They remade Will O’ The Wisp (as Kathari Remnant) so that he could find another Will O’ The Wisp, so they could sit together and talk about cards or something. In Kamigawa, we have a word for these guys: losers.”

    “Look at Bloodbraid Elf!” Dr. Hisoka continued. “That isn’t an elf that likes going out to parties. She sulks all the time. Why can’t she just be happy with who she is?”

    Bloodbraid Elf, widely regarded as one of the best cards in the set, had no comment.

    “And look at the art on Ardent Plea,” Dr. Hisoka continued. “These cards know they suck — they’re begging for somebody, anybody, to come in and make their lives better. I would appreciate the spell costing 2 more mana or so. She’s praying to heaven for something, and I would know just what to give her. But the designers always need to have their fun.”

    “Meddling Mage. Need I say more?”

    Deny Reality disagreed. “Look, this guy’s insane,” said the spell, which alternated between being a tropical island and a raging hurricane while speaking with us. “He’s obviously just looking for attention.”

    Enigma Sphinx drooped her head upon hearing that the famed Magic card had taken offense to her mechanic. “Look at me already,” she said. “I’m a freak! All this Sensei guy is doing is exploiting us ordinary Magic cards to draw viewers to his ‘Dr. Hisoka’ show. Despicable.”

    “At least we’re not Gleemax,” she added.

  • NJ’s Alara Reborn Capsule Review

    The usual disclaimers: I don’t play MTG anymore, I haven’t shuffled up in years, and I’m mostly out of touch with the modern metagames. Every one of these I do is a little less useful than the one before it.

    If this isn’t your kind of thing, you shouldn’t bother, but if it is and you do and you want to comment/agree/disagree/expand/ask me to expand on something, I make an effort to read and respond to everything in the discussion thread.

    I only evaluate cards in the context of constructed play, and I only talk about cards that I think have a shot at seeing play in block, standard, or extended. If I don’t talk about a card, it’s because I don’t think that it’s constructed caliber.

    This set is on the whole quite weak, but I think that block is likely to be a varied metagame and that a bunch of these cards fit in at the block level.

    Ardent Plea – 1WU

    Enchantment (Uncommon)

    Exalted

    Cascade

    For this and for several of the other cheaper cascade spells, you’re not playing it because you want the spell effect; you’re playing it because you want to tutor for something and have built your deck such that cascade gets you one particular effect. Giving up everything with a CMC of 1 or 2, other than your cascade target, is a huge sacrifice in some formats and almost no sacrifice at all in other formats. In a format with this many CIPT lands, it’s less expensive than it might otherwise be so that’s something.

    Similarly, the quality of the targets varies by format. If this is getting a Balance effect, then it’s very strong; in the past you might have been willing to mess with your deck enough to guarantee Skullclamp or Jitte or Grim Monolith. Right now, I guess you can go get Bitterblossom and that isn’t bad, but I don’t think it’s enough to make you swear off all other cheap spells, even if you can fill in with stuff like Shriekmaw.

    Specific to Ardent Plea, I can see this getting play if a) 3 drops aren’t much better than 2 drops and b) you have a curve that has a billion 2s and no real 3s. I don’t think that’s the case right now but it has been at a number of times in the past.

    Ethercaste Knight – WU

    Artifact Creature – Human Knight (Common)

    Exalted

    1/3

    If there’s a million billion Pyroclasms in the format, ok, maybe.

    Fieldmist Borderpost – 1WU

    Artifact (Common)

    You may pay {1} and return a basic land you control to its owner’s hand rather than pay Fieldmist Borderpost’s mana cost.

    Fieldmist Borderpost comes into play tapped.

    {T}: Add {W} or {U} to your mana pool.

    These basically suck for constructed unless you can get some additional added utility out of the fact that they’re a multicolored artifact. Would it have killed them to make it not CIPT if you paid the actual mana cost, or to let you bounce nonbasics?

    Meddling Mage – WU

    Creature – Human Wizard (Rare)

    As Meddling Mage comes into play, name a nonland card.

    The named card can’t be played.

    “This violent wasteland is an indictment of its people. These cowards lack the will to oppose disorder.”

    2/2

    Hey, Pikula is still good! What do you know. This will see play all over the place, just like it always has.

    Sovereigns of Lost Alara – 4WU

    Creature – Spirit (Rare)

    Exalted (Whenever a creature you control attacks alone, that creature gets +1/+1 until end of turn.)

    Whenever a creature you control attacks alone, you may search your library for an Aura card that could enchant that creature, put it into play attached to that creature, then shuffle your library.

    4/5

    You’re going to need some kind of redundant tutor effect to make this worth building around, but 6 mana for a guy who swings next turn as an 8/9 flier that makes people drop their hand is potentially pretty good. This is especially true since he has sort-of-haste. On the minus side, you have to put bad cards in your deck to make him happy and he’s expensive, so yeah probably not so much.

    Brainbite – 2UB

    Sorcery (Common)

    Target opponent reveals his or her hand. You choose a card from it. That player discards that card.

    Draw a card.

    If everyone’s swapping 6+cc haymakers then stuff like this starts to look almost attractive. Almost.

    Mind Funeral – 1UB

    Sorcery (Uncommon)

    Target opponent reveals cards from the top of his or her library until four land cards are revealed. That player puts all cards revealed this way into his or her graveyard.

    #26/145

    This is going to reliably put a *lot* of cards in the yard, although you need something else to actually deck people. Maybe you have card interactions that want you to do that or maybe decking gets to a critical mass.

    Mistvein Borderpost – 1UB

    Artifact (Common)

    You may pay {1} and return a basic land you control to its owner’s hand rather than pay Mistvein Borderpost’s mana cost.

    Mistvein Borderpost comes into play tapped.

    {T}: Add {U} or {B} to your mana pool.

    See previous Borderpost comments.

    Anathemancer – 1BR

    Creature – Zombie Wizard (Uncommon)

    When Anathemancer comes into play, it deals damage to target player equal to the number of nonbasic lands that player controls.

    Unearth {5}{B}{R}

    2/2

    One of the few game-changers in the set, Anathemancer gives an actual disincentive to running 26 nonbasics. It’s *still* not a great pressure creature if it’s doing less than ~4 damage for you on the way in, and you’re probably not unearthing it, but it may mean that life is a bigger issue in control on control rumbles than it would otherwise be.

    Deathbringer Thoctar – 4BR

    Creature – Zombie Beast (Rare)

    Whenever another creature is put into a graveyard from play, you may put a +1/+1 counter on Deathbringer Thoctar.

    Remove a +1/+1 counter from Deathbringer Thoctar: Deathbringer Thoctar deals 1 damage to target creature or player.

    3/3

    Murders token creatures and I guess that’s a big deal right now. Really wanted to have devour. Probably too expensive but may fill an important niche anyway.

    Demonic Dread – 1BR

    Sorcery (Common)

    Cascade

    Target creature can’t block this turn.

    Probably the weakest of the cheap cascade spells, since you need a target for it.

    Terminate – BR

    Instant (Common)

    Destroy target creature. It can’t be regenerated.

    You can’t do this for any cheaper. Will see play everywhere except possibly extended, and even there it’s a strong contender.

    Thought Hemorrhage – 2BR

    Sorcery (Rare)

    Name a nonland card. Target player reveals his or her hand. Thought Hemorrhage deals 3 damage to that player for each card with that name revealed this way. Search that player’s graveyard, hand, and library for all cards with that name and remove them from the game. Then that player shuffles his or her library.

    Not as good as people are going to think it is, but it’ll see play in exactly the same situations that Cranial correctly saw play. The damage isn’t a total red herring– planeswalkers– but it’s pretty much irrelevant. You have to be able to put a major dent into someone’s strategy for Extracting them to be a good plan, just like always.

    Veinfire Borderpost – 1BR

    Artifact (Common)

    You may pay {1} and return a basic land you control to its owner’s hand rather than pay Veinfire Borderpost’s mana cost.

    Veinfire Borderpost comes into play tapped.

    {T}: Add {B} or {R} to your mana pool.

    Supra.

    Bloodbraid Elf – 2RG

    Creature – Elf Berserker (Uncommon)

    Haste

    Cascade (When you play this spell, remove cards from the top of your library from the game until you reveal a nonland card that costs less. You may play it without paying its mana cost. Put the removed cards on the bottom in a random order.)

    3/2

    The best of the cascade spells by a fair margin. You can play this productively in an aggro deck; even if you’re just hitting burn, it’s still plenty fine.

    Dragon Broodmother – 2RRRG

    Creature – Dragon (Mythic Rare)

    Flying

    At the beginning of each upkeep, put a 1/1 red and green Dragon creature token with flying and devour 2 into play. (As the token comes into play, you may sacrifice any number of creatures. It comes into play with twice that many +1/+1 counters on it.)

    4/4

    Not as good as Broodmate but still might see play. Broodmate is real good and maybe you want 5 of them.

    Firewild Borderpost – 1RG

    Artifact (Common)

    You may pay {1} and return a basic land you control to its owner’s hand rather than pay Firewild Borderpost’s mana cost.

    Firewild Borderpost comes into play tapped.

    {T}: Add {R} or {G} to your mana pool.

    Once more with feeling!

    Predatory Advantage – 3RG

    Enchantment (Rare)

    At the end of each opponent’s turn, if that player didn’t play a creature spell this turn, put a 2/2 green Lizard creature token into play.

    Predatory Advantage will crank out creatures on a very regular basis, and the creatures are a nontrivial size. This is a fine way to leverage time into a win, although it’s totally outclassed by stuff like Bitterblossom and may be straight outsized in block.

    Spellbreaker Behemoth – 1RGG

    Creature – Beast (Rare)

    Spellbreaker Behemoth can’t be countered.

    Creature spells you control with power 5 or greater can’t be countered.

    5/5

    The stats get you are a reasonably good deal. Not sure there’s enough countermagic floating around to justify playing him right now, but that doesn’t mean that there won’t be at some point in the future.

    Vengeful Rebirth – 4RG

    Sorcery (Uncommon)

    Return target card from your graveyard to your hand. If you return a nonland card to your hand this way, Vengeful Rebirth deals damage equal to that card’s converted mana cost to target creature or player.

    Remove Vengeful Rebirth from the game.

    I actually like this guy a lot, since it provides two turns worth of action in a lategame situation. It is, however, slow as shit, and its value as removal is very much contingent on opposing threats being cards you can kill with single-target burn. Not sure that’s true right now.

    Violent Outburst – 1RG

    Instant (Common)

    Cascade

    Creatures you control get +1/+0 until end of turn.

    I don’t think this is good enough to see play for its effect+cascade, so it’s probably limited to uses that abuse Cascade. It is, however, instant and does not require a target, so in a vacuum it’s the strongest of the 3-cc cascade spells.

    Vithian Renegades – 1RG

    Creature – Human Shaman (Uncommon)

    When Vithian Renegades comes into play, destroy target artifact.

    3/2

    Sure yeah whatever. An extra point of power on Uktabiridian Shamrangutan isn’t going to change anybody’s life, but its predecessors were good enough to see play and so is this.

    Captured Sunlight – 2GW

    Sorcery (Common)

    Cascade

    You gain 4 life.

    Bloodbraid Elf is an aggro effect, and it goes in a deck that has a bunch of cards you can flip that do something useful no matter what the board situation may be– creatures and burn. This is a controlling effect. Controlling decks tend to play a combination of removal and resource-gathering spells at their low drops. Removal is conditional; resource-gathering is not. If you’re in a situation where your opponent just played a threat and you flip a resource card, then this is a misspent turn; ditto if your opponent does not have a threat and you do flip removal.

    If your deck has a bunch of Rampant Growths at the low slots, then Captured Sunlight may be a great deal; if you need those slots to play Path to Exile and Oblivion Ring, then not so much.

    Dauntless Escort – 1GW

    Creature – Rhox Soldier (Rare)

    Sacrifice Dauntless Escort: Creatures you control are indestructible this turn.

    3/3

    No big deal here, but in a sweeper-heavy environment– or just in an environment where lots of guys are banging into lots and lots of other guys– Escort might see some play. 3/3 for 3 mana isn’t totally tragic anyway.

    Knotvine Paladin – GW

    Creature – Human Knight (Rare)

    Whenever Knotvine Paladin attacks, it gets +1/+1 until end of turn for each untapped creature you control.

    2/2

    Knotty is regularly going to swing as a very large dude, and he has synergy with Elspeth and especially with Ajani Not-Vengeant. I think that there are probably too many other good options, but it may be that the lure of flopping down Procession or the like after Knotvine is just too strong.

    Mycoid Shepherd – 1GGW

    Creature – Fungus (Rare)

    Whenever Mycoid Shepherd or another creature you control with power 5 or greater is put into a graveyard from play, you may gain 5 life.

    5/4

    Backloading the life gain is significantly worse than frontloading it, and I think you basically never get to trigger Shepherd off of another creature’s death, but it’s pretty big and the lifegain is substantial. This is so, so not Loxodon Hierarch, though.

    Qasali Pridemage – GW

    Creature – Cat Wizard (Common)

    Exalted

    {1}, Sacrifice Qasali Pridemage: Destroy target artifact or enchantment.

    2/2

    An excellent package. 2 mana for a 2/2 exalted seems reasonable, even without a built-in Naturalize. I think that zapping enchantments may turn out to be a bigger bonus than it has been in the past.

    Reborn Hope – GW

    Sorcery (Uncommon)

    Return target multicolored card from your graveyard to your hand.

    Regrowth is kind of unexciting unless you’re doing something abusive with it.

    Wildfield Borderpost – 1GW

    Artifact (Common)

    You may pay {1} and return a basic land you control to its owner’s hand rather than pay Wildfield Borderpost’s mana cost.

    Wildfield Borderpost comes into play tapped.

    {T}: Add {G} or {W} to your mana pool.

    Again and again.

    Identity Crisis – 2WWBB

    Sorcery (Rare)

    Remove all cards in target player’s hand and graveyard from the game.

    Any control mirror needs to be prepared for this; it is a game-winner. I think it’s costed just outside the range where aggro and even midrange decks will be able to play it comfortably.

    Tainted Sigil – 1WB

    Artifact (Uncommon)

    {T}, Sacrifice Tainted Sigil: You gain life equal to the total life lost by all players this turn. (Damage causes loss of life.)

    Sigils corrupted by outsiders do not lose their power, only their purity.

    If there’s something awesome you can do by paying a bunch of life, then this is compelling; otherwise not so.

    Zealous Persecution – WB

    Instant (Uncommon)

    Until end of turn, creatures you control get +1/+1 and creatures target opponent controls get -1/-1.

    This is totally unremarkable unless you are playing a bunch of little tiny dorks yourself and are also expecting to fight against other people who are playing a bunch of little tiny dorks. However, my understanding is that that statement defines a good chunk of the present standard metagame, so pencil the ol’ ZP in.

    Double Negative – UUR

    Instant (Uncommon)

    Counter up to two target spells.

    Other than Cascade, I don’t think you get this to fire, but countermagic is expensive anyway so maybe somebody wants this.

    Lord of Extinction – 3BG

    Creature – Elemental (Mythic Rare)

    Lord of Extinction’s power and toughness are each equal to the number of cards in all graveyards.

    */*

    Lord of Extinction is the new Sutured Ghoul, if anybody ever wants a Sutured Ghoul again.

    Maelstrom Pulse – 1BG

    Sorcery (Rare)

    Destroy target nonland permanent and all permanents with the same name as that permanent.

    On reflection, I think this is slightly worse than Vindicate, but Vindicate was really good and being able to take out tokens or randomly 2-for-1 some guy is useful too. This should see play in standard and in block, although probably not in extended.

    Putrid Leech – BG

    Creature – Leech (Common)

    Pay 2 life: Putrid Leech gets +2/+2 until end of turn. Play this ability only once each turn.

    2/2

    Beats up everything else that costs less then 4 mana, and lots of things that cost more. I can see this sneaking in somewhere.

    Cerodon Yearling – RW

    Creature – Beast (Common)

    Vigilance, haste

    2/2

    Vigilance mostly sucks here, but two mana for a 2/2 haste is a reasonable deal and might squeak it in. Haste is very good.

    Lorescale Coatl – 1GU

    Creature – Snake (Uncommon)

    Whenever you draw a card, you may put a +1/+1 counter on Lorescale Coatl.

    2/2

    Gets very respectably-sized quickly. Not sure being big is enough, but if it is then the Coatl is a contender. Bonus points for being easy to cast off of a Hierarch. I’m not sure that it’s worth trying to dick around with card draw to make the Brain Snake bigger, but rather you can simply appreciate him for the big growing hunk of p/t that he is.

    Vedalken Heretic – GU

    Creature – Vedalken Rogue (Rare)

    Whenever Vedalken Heretic deals damage to an opponent, you may draw a card.

    1/1

    I think the time of the Phid has just plain passed us by.

    Sphinx of the Steel Wind – 5WUB

    Artifact Creature – Sphinx (Mythic Rare)

    Flying, first strike, vigilance, lifelink, protection from red and from green

    No one has properly answered her favorite riddle: “Why should I spare your life?”

    6/6

    Unless you’re cheating her out, I think there are better uses for your mana, but if you’re cheating anything out this is a decent contender.

    Thraximundar – 4UBR

    Legendary Creature – Zombie Assassin (Mythic Rare)

    Haste

    Whenever Thraximundar attacks, defending player sacrifices a creature.

    Whenever a player sacrifices a creature, you may put a +1/+1 counter on Thraximundar.

    6/6

    So is this. Thrax is probably trump if there’s a reanimator mirror sometime in the future.

    Dragon Appeasement – 3BRG

    Enchantment (Uncommon)

    Skip your draw step.

    Whenever you sacrifice a creature, you may draw a card.

    To be useful this has to be abusive, and I think it’s too expensive to be abused.

    Karrthus, Tyrant of Jund – 4BRG

    Legendary Creature – Dragon (Mythic Rare)

    Flying, haste

    When Karrthus, Tyrant of Jund comes into play, gain control of all Dragon creatures in play and untap them.

    Dragon creatures you control have haste.

    7/7

    Obviously, this is a strong answer to your opponent’s Broodmate. Outside of that– and that might be a really big deal in block– I’m not sure you want it at all.

    Lavalanche – XBRG

    Sorcery (Rare)

    Lavalanche deals X damage to target player and each creature he or she controls.

    Alara’s burning blood cannot be contained by mere earth and stone.

    The upside of this is that it does considerable damage to your opponent, and there’s enough incidental burn floating around between Ultimatums and Regrowthbolt and Banefire that accidentally doming somebody is a perfectly reasonable way to win a fight. The downside is that it’s super expensive. I suspect that it sees plenty of play in midrange decks and up, but I don’t think you can support it unless you’re planning on casting it for at least 3-4 and that means you better have 26+ mana sources.

    Finest Hour – 2GWU

    Enchantment (Rare)

    Exalted

    Whenever a creature you control attacks alone, if its the first combat phase of the turn, untap that creature. After this phase, there is an additional combat phase.

    This card is freaking amazing when it goes off. Rafiq into Finest Hour, with no other enhancement whatsoever, does 24 points of damage. Other exalted dudes get somewhat less impressive but still great results. I think this might be a reasonable two-of, since it adds a commendable burst, but a lot has to go right for it to function at peak efficiency.

    Flurry of Wings – GWU

    Instant (Uncommon)

    Put X 1/1 white Bird Soldier creature tokens with flying into play, where X is the number of attacking creatures.

    This is a fog, typically, in the worst case. That matters because Fog is a card that you never want to put in your deck, but that you often want to have in your hand. That said, you need to get 3 guys out of this to be happy with it as a creature generator, and since a lot of the time you’re not getting 3 guys you have to expect 4 some of the time. I don’t think that happens often enough for this to make the grade.

    Jenara, Asura of War – GWU

    Legendary Creature – Angel (Mythic Rare)

    Flying

    {1}{W}: Put a +1/+1 counter on Jenara, Asura of War.

    Wounded soldiers looked up, grateful for her appearance. But she passed over them, her eyes firmly on their foe.

    3/3

    Tidy little package. I think Jenara isn’t an all-star but does provide a useful dimension against a lot of people; she’s quite hard to kill with toughness based removal, can brawl effectively early, and in the late game can become big enough to fight with anybody. Her legendary status probably means you won’t want a full boat.

    Wargate – XGWU

    Sorcery (Rare)

    Search your library for a permanent card with converted mana cost X or less and put it into play. Then shuffle your library.

    I think Wargate has a shot. It’s bad at doing everything it does, but versatility is sometimes useful too.

    Maelstrom Nexus – WUBRG

    Enchantment (Mythic Rare)

    The first spell you play each turn has cascade.

    Nexus is Future Sight on crack. I think this is probably the most important new card in the set for the control wars. Once you land this, you’re just in an amazing position in terms of accruing resource advantage; you’ll be getting Capsules all over the place, removal for free, et cetera, et cetera.

    Esper Stormblade – {wb}U

    Artifact Creature – Vedalken Wizard (Common)

    As long as you control another multicolored permanent, Esper Stormblade gets +1/+1 and has flying.

    2/1

    One of the more promising dudes like this. There’s a nice critical mass of good two-color dorks on both the WUB and the GWU axes.

    Trace of Abundance – {rw}G

    Enchantment – Aura (Common)

    Enchant land

    Enchanted land has shroud.

    Whenever enchanted land is tapped for mana, you may add one mana of any color to your mana pool.

    It’s basically Fertile Ground except that it’s not as good at manafixing. Fertile Ground is good enough, and this may be good enough too if you don’t want your resource acceleration to be dependent on creatures.

  • Oil // Emulsion // Water

    OEW

    It’s sideways, but if you click the discuss link, it will be readable!

  • Vengeful Rebirth Ending in Second Birth (Involving Revenge)

  • Alara Reborn Contest

    What happens when a plane of predators collides with four planes of prey?

    This is a question you might ask yourself, if you are reading aloud the flavor text for the new Magic: The Gathering set, Alara Reborn!

    Contest

    To commemorate this rebirth, we are holding a contest. Every Officially Acknowledged Content you create and submit starting now and during the month of May, 2009 is automatically entered in the contest, and every participant is eligible to receive valuable prizes. At the end of May, everyone on the GoodGamery.com forums will vote for their four favorite contributors, whether they contributed fake cards, funny articles, or even set reviews and tournament reports. Once a top four is decided, there will be a runoff to determine which of the four top contributors gets the top prizes.

    Prizes

    1st place: 18 Alara Reborn boosters

    2nd place: 9 Alara Reborn boosters

    3rd place: 6 Alara Reborn boosters

    4th place: 3 Alara Reborn boosters

    In addition to this, every participant who creates at least one piece of Officially Acknowledged Content will recieve 2 Alara Reborn boosters, as long as supplies last. This includes the top 4 winners!

    How do I submit an entry?

    Please take a look at these instructions.

    Tips

    Here is a link to the Alara Reborn Visual Spoiler, which will aid you in your quest to create Officially Acknowledged Content. There are plenty of good ideas in there!

  • Magic League Responds to WOTC Lawyers

    In a stunning revelation last week, legal counsel for Wizards of the Coast LLC (“WOTC”) has decreed that the administrators at Magic-League.com (“MAGIC LEAGUE”), who tout themselves as a place for free online Magic: The Gathering tournament and casual play, “effectively shut down” in the words of MTGSalvation (“MTGS”) user “theanimeguy.”

    We asked MAGIC LEAGUE spokesperson Kone Magicleague, via e-mail, to respond to WOTC’s cease and desist (“C&D”) notice. Here was his reply.

    from: [email protected]

    date: Tue, Apr 14, 2009 at 12:27 PM

    subject: RE: lol



    Dear Mr. Reporter,


    The nerve of Wizards of the Coast! Each of their allegations is completely unfounded and false. Check it out:

    It recently came to our attention that your group has created a website, www.magic-league.com, that touts itself as the place for “free online Magic: The Gathering” tournament and casual play . . .

    You didn’t let us finish, Wizards! At Magic League we provide online magic, in the sense of the fantasy and wonderment that people feel when they take part in our tournaments and casual play. And you’ve got to gather tournaments together, in the sense of organizing them and finding participants. The full sentence is, “We will affect you with this figurative sense of free online magic: The gathering tournaments and casual play will make you feel positively enchanted!”

    Who says our tournaments have anything to do with M:TG?? Maybe they don’t!

    . . . two unauthorized computer programs: Apprenctice (sic) and Magic Workstation. These software programs use text and, in some cases, artwork, from Wizards’ MAGIC: THE GATHERING® cards.

    Whoa there, Wizards. If you visit MagicWorkstation.com, you’ll notice that when you download their program, there’s no evidence at all of text or artwork from M:TG. The program is completely divorced from anything related to your card game, you fascist jerks!

    In order to get M:TG text and artwork into Magic Workstation, you have to take numerous extra steps, including clicking on a link from MagicWorkstation.com to a TOTALLY DIFFERENT site which hooks you up. It’s legal invincibility! Take THAT, lawyers!

    And learn to spell Apprentice! LOL!

    Your use of the “Magic-League” name and “magic-league.com” domain name further evidences your bad faith intent to capitalize on the good will associated with Wizards’ MAGIC: THE GATHERING® trademark . . .

    Oh so suddenly you have a monopoly on the word “magic?” What’s next! Are you gonna sue David Blaine now, Wizards? You should! It’s the exact same thing, if you think about it logically.

    Man, with that logic, I could make a game called “Or This And To” and sue, like, everyone!

    Please provide us with your written agreement to the above, as soon as possible and in any event within ten days.

    In 10 days, AND “in any event?” What if the “event” is me getting in a giant car accident, putting me in a full body cast and completely incapable of conveying an agreement, written or otherwise? Do you think 10 days is enough time for a severely injured man to heal?? I’m going to have to learn to walk again! Don’t you care, Wizards?

    Since this letter, however, MAGIC LEAGUE has complied with the majority of WOTC’s demands, like explicitly noting on their site that MAGIC LEAGUE is not at all affiliated with WOTC. This is an important thing to call out, since apparently a lot of people thought that WOTC was sponsoring a free site that eliminated reasons why people might give money to them.

  • Pro MTG Online #218

    Pro MTG Online #218

  • ‘Alara Reborn’ Flavor Text Selections




    His mouth is a dark cave bats dare not enter.

    “When a land of fire meets a land of steel, the smelting will begin.” – Ancient Esper tale

    When dragons cease to prowl the skies, the skies shall prowl themselves.

    When the undead of Grixis rose from the ground, the Bant army knew they must not fall to it.

    An artificial world will treat all entering humans inhumanely.

    The sky trembled. The earth shook. The soldiers gasped. Alara had risen.

    When Bant soldiers ventured into the land of metal, many gave up their weaponry and social lives to study the beings there intently. It became known as Esperger’s Syndrome.

    (^ kingcobweb)

    If the Grixis shall be upon us in the morning, then let us be on them tonight!

    “From house to house and door to door, when the Zaxaphlablisdub comes knocking, you are no more!” – Jund children’s rhyme

    Tree trunks, Gooble? No! Those are legs!

    If by the pike you live, it is by my axe that you shall die!

    It was in the night. There were whispers. And then there was nothing.

    “Esper, Jund, Grixis, Naya, Bant, this is the land that I’ll enchant!” – Plahamotiuyr, upon his creation of Alara

    You say your sword is hewn upon my anvil? Well then, boy, answer why has it not already cleaved your soul?

    Look at that, son, and understand the beauty around you.

    The Grixis may be undead, but we will be sure to remedy that very soon.

    Carry with you this, for this will with you go and forever heal your aches that you have.

    “Impossible! It’s almost as if it’s… alive!” – Esper mage’s last words

    Before them lay the largest feast they had ever seen. Fruits and meats of every kind stacked one upon the other in a display of the greatest of Naya fortunes. They ate it and were full.

    I have but one word for you, spellcaster… “No.”

    For thousands of years the only thing he could think to do with his axe was cut trees. That was before Alara rose again.

    No tree grows taller than the Bulbubabblebibububba can see.

    “Ugh, snakes. Why did it have to be snakes as I ride through the despicable Jund forest on my steed of Esper magic, prepared for battle with the gallantry of my blade?” – Indiaranidious Jonusfer

    With the growl of the foxfire, with the snap of lizard jaws, with the cry of its victims, it was born.

    “Grok making a list of ten things he doesn’t like.”

    “What about water?”

    “Grok making a list of eleven things he doesn’t like.”

    Beware when the Axipolosis appears at rest, for it is anything but.

    I have crushed the skulls of thousands, but what do I do about this?

    If you wish to know the sound of the rain, roll a ball down a hill. Once it stops, you will have your answer.

    (^ Reisen)

    He’s the most baleful zombie that ever baled.

    Death is afraid to walk in the valley of the shadow of him.

    “Yeah whatever, protection bitches.” – Progenitus

    She is respected for her power and wanked-to for her beauty.

    There are 7 words on Jund for “kill” but it doesn’t know any of them because it is a dog and dogs cannot talk.

    “If I had a nickel for every time someone survived the Macrosanth, well… I wouldn’t have any nickels.” – Gwafa Hazid

    The filigree drake flew majestically through the air just as a brick wouldn’t.

    “I’ve got three good reasons why you should get out of my way.” – Jundian Triceratops-mage

    (^ Pterrus)

    When he enters play all the other creatures go “daaaaaaaaaayum.”

    His comedy routine is the funniest in the world – too bad the only people to ever hear it are his victims.

    The ground shook. The earth trembled. The universe imploded. The summoning was complete; too bad it didn’t matter because the universe had imploded.

    His entire vocabulary consists of one word: “Destroy.”

    “More like she who paints the earth red, am I right fell-” – Last words of Groggernockit, Goblin comedian

    The beast was so large that it warped the space time continuum.

    “Even I can’t touch it!” – Mycosynth Hammer on Progenitus

    Men have been lost in its orifices, never to be seen again.

    The creature slithered through the murk, and the murk shuddered.

    (^ Crunchums)

    The Grixis have no words for “want” in their language. Only “take”.

    “Guide me, oh sword, for I shall be on my mighty steed Kantros by sundown, but the price shall be my soul!” – Bant War Song

    When the angels entered the battlefield, the enemy scattered like rice thrown directly at the ground.

    Awakening to the sight of Rashada, Queen of the Sphinx is like awakening to your own death. Neither is pleasant, and neither is possible.

    The fortress often becomes a cage, but what happens when the cage becomes a fortress?

    For the denizens of Jund, the presence of clouds on the horizon can mean only one thing: a storm is coming.

    Naya is home to millions of different unique organisms, but the ones that survive the longest are the ones that never die.

    “Take this weapon and avenge me,” said the angel. “It is a sword made out of the ivory tooth of a silverback whale.”

    Grackhorn awoke with a thud! Was it a goblin who awoke his slumber? No, it was an orc!

    The beasts of Chilxozoloth are so enormous, even the giants of Westfalthorn look like Ortrantus fire ants.

    The children of Bant worship the Sun at different intervals. If the sun is highest, that means lunch, if it is in the west, that means it is time to get ready for sleep.

    He had been called many things in his lifetime. Gargantuan. Merciless. Unforgiving. But nobody ever called him what he secretly wished they would: Pookie.

    (^ Alfred)

    The only thing louder than fury is silence.

    “It would suck if that ate me.” – Bant Page

    In unlife, the only death to fear is resurrection.

    “If it bleeds, we should kill it.” – Esper Aeromancer

    A deviant in Bant; A Casanova in Grixis.

    There are no words… should have sent… a better writer…

    As the planes fused their primal energies, something something, here’s a huge monster.

    “Stray not from the house of the holy covenant lest you approach the bellhop to the gaping maw of the underbelly of the backbone of the brains of this evil operation.” – Riddle and/or Convocation of Aelaam

    Its favorite game as a child was hide and maim.

    The Sapro traders would sell their own mothers for half a squizz, if only they didn’t reproduce asexually via spore clouds.

    His is the deadliest touch of all: The touch of death.

    Few dared to stand before it. None were able to stand after it.

    Where dragons once hunted, now sphinxes held council. The average peasant still went through pretty much the same crap though.

    The air became fog, and then the fog became a tomb.

    “If lava doesn’t solve your problem, you didn’t bring enough lava.” – Krakko, Goblin relationship counselor

    The transplanted grixis bacteria quickly adapted to feed on etherium. Today over 12 million mages are infected. But by paying for artifacts marked with the blue sigil, you can do your part to help fight this disease.

    In Naya, if you are not swift, your death will be.

    “Esper mages tap like this:

    *pantomimed rigid, precise tapping*

    But grixis zombies tap like this:

    *pantomimed smooth, funky tapping*” – Jund Stand-Up

    Part Etherium, part chimera, all gladiator.

    The only constants in Grixis are undeath and untaxes.

    How do you stop a Rhox from charging? Take away its energy chamber.

    The life of a hellion is like its body: nasty, brutish, and impossibly long.

    It appeared to be a harmless plant, and it was.

    “In his house at R’lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming.” – Elvish expression meaning “Pick me up some pie while you’re out”

    Spovochs: I bet you can’t be eaten by just one.

    It cannot spell, only counterspell.

    Forced to decide between death and madness, he chose both.

    No one has ever correctly filled out its favorite marketing survey, “At what time is it most convenient for you to be eaten?”

    The only thing that lives on Naya is an incredibly diverse set of plants and animals.

    Its claws were like the BlendTec Total Blender; their bodies were like 4 oranges, 2 ounces of vanilla coffee creamer and 10 ice cubes.

    It could not feel pain. It could not feel remorse. It could only feel ~*love*~.

    There are no laws in Bant, but there is a complex code of honor and a plethora of mores that are functionally equivalent.

    Its coming heralded the end a vast empire which we forgot to mention existed before this flavor text.

    (^ Vandermonde)

    (These and many more flavor texts, by many more people, can be found here!)

  • New Set ‘Alara Reborn’ to Feature a Cataclysm

    In a stunning announcement today, Wizards of the Coast announced that the next Magic: The Gathering expansion set, called “Alara Reborn,” will conclude the story of Alara with an earth-shattering apocalypse.

    Nearly every Magic block, from Invasion onward, has ended with armageddon.

    “To be honest, I was looking forward to developing the plane of Alara further, perhaps integrating a continuous adventure into a progressive development of lore,” said Aaron Forsythe, lead designer of the new set. “Unfortunately, we have Miles Peterson in our office,” he continued, turning his head and glaring in the direction of an unkempt dork, giggling in his cubicle.

    Miles Peterson was the lead story consultant hired immediately after Wizards of the Coast was acquired by Hasbro in September of 1999. One year later, the Invasion block began.

    “Aaron always wants boring CRAP like that!” Peterson told us, reminiscient of Beavis from MTV’s “Beavis & Butthead.” “No!!! Kill ’em!! BOOM! DIE DIE DIE!!! hehe hehe hehe.”

    “Kill ’em all! RAWR!! Hahahaha,” he added.

    Peterson was hired directly by Hasbro, a Japanese company, and given ultimate authority over the overall direction of story development. For the Japanese have a proverb, as manifested in such Japanese blockbusters as “Akira,” “Princess Mononoke,” and “Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within”:

    “A story that ends not with a world-rending cataclysm
    is no story at all.”

    “Like, for the next five sets we could have emphasized the colors of each shard, like Torment did with Black,” Forsythe explained. “And THEN armageddon or whatever. But with Peterson in the office, we barely get started on a new plane before he insists on a plane-annihilating ragnarok.”

    Across the way, Peterson screamed “DIE SUPERMAN!! ARRRGH!!” and smashed two action figures together repeatedly in a wild-eyed fury.