Pro MTG Online #230
Blog
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Pro MTG Online #229
Pro MTG Online #229
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Experts Declare “Halo Hunter” Photo a Hoax
Experts have debunked the recent photo of Halo Hunter as a fake. However, some still believe it to be real. You be the judge:
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R&D Pup Fetches Lands
That lovable scamp, Wizards of the Cost R&D puppy “Li’l Tapper,” is at it again! It was a rare sunny day in the Pacific Northwest, and Li’l Tapper was stuck sitting inside the Wizards offices — between the Pepsi machine and a giant fiberglass statue of Goblin Ski Patrol — with his widdle nose pressed against the window, just wanting to play.
So, when Card Designer Nenny Kagle made his way toward the fire doors, it was no surprise that Li’l Tapper bounded alongside him.
“No, Li’l Tapper!” said Nenny. “I can’t play now. I have to do something important.”
Nenny’s task, which he did not relish, was to briefly leave the heavily fortified Wizards compound, and, with all the strength of the mighty right arm of Wizards R&D, cast Onslaught Block, including the powerful and beloved fetchlands, out the door, far into the distance, and out of Extended.
“You’ve had a good run, Onslaught,” said Nenny, “but it’s about time we all see what the world is like without you for a little while.” He sobbed. “By which I mean still play faeries.” He sobbed again.
But as he cast open the door, blinded momentarily by tears and the rare encroachment of sunlight, he didn’t notice Li’l Tapper slip through his legs and out into the parking lot. Nor did he notice Li’l Tapper streak out after the cards he hurled into the distance, nor spot him scooting back in through the closing door as Nenny trudged up the stairs and back to his cube.In fact, he didn’t notice anything at all until he saw the spoiler for the latest Magic: The Gathering set, Zendikar (which is Yiddish for “Please summon a limousine.”). Sure, enough, there were the fetchlands! They were a little torn up, not quite how they’d used to be, but there was no doubt about it — that pokey little puppy had managed to get yet another reprint into a Magic set!
“Oh, Li’l Tapper!!!” said Nenny. He didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Because that furry little ball of fun had managed to squeak out that door, the fetchlands were going to stay in Extended for another fifty dog years.
When asked how chewed-up scraps of paper left under a chair coated in slobber managed to get into a Magic set, Magical Developer Pom LaTille said:
“People think all we try to do is kill magic. This simply isn’t true, especially nowadays. We’ve worked very hard to improve our processes, tighten up our review standards, and do our best, especially in the most recent sets, to make Magic the most fun, varied experience it can be.
But I admit, it is nice every once in a while to get back to our roots. Sometimes I try to kill Magic with two hands at the same time, and I imagine myself diving sideways and hovering in the air with the camera zooming around me in wide circles, catching every tense moment of the action as I just click at random adding or deleting cards from a set.
We all pretty much think of it the same way. This one time, Tike Murian brought in a crate full of doves, and he kept them under his desk for a year, feeding them and caring for them, just so that he could release them and slide across his desk in slow motion the moment they shipped Tarmogoyf off to print. It was beautiful.
So, yeah, we pretty much do whatever we think the puppy wants. Who could say no to that face?”
Li’l Tapper is a black and white Border Collie — which means he is loyal, friendly, good with children, and fond of reprints, a trait he shares with the Nantuko Dachshunt, the Phyrexian Spaniel and the Poodle Aristocrat, which, despite having different breeds, turn out to be functionally identical.
Various Wizards employees have tried, halfheartedly at best, to say “No” to Li’l Tapper’s antics, with the unexpected result that Cancel has been scheduled for print in every Magic set through 2012.
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Pro MTG Online #228
Pro MTG Online #228
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GG News: Elder Dragon Unable to Stop Man on Horse
Noted Elder Dragon Legend Vaevictis Asmadi is accustomed to being the big bad ruler of the battlefield.
But with the release of Master’s Edition III on Magic Online, he has been facing down some foes unlike any he’s seen before. Vaevictis was reached in his volcanic lair to describe one such encounter.“When I first saw it I thought, ‘no big deal’ – just looked like your garden variety Tarpan or whatever. I figured I would just fly down there, break every bone in its body, roast it in my polychromatic flame, and devour its earthly form and ethereal soul,” he said.
But as what we know now as Shu Cavalry got closer and closer, eyewitness reports indicate that the venerable dragon’s grin slowly disappeared, beads of sweat the size of Muck Drubbs began to form on his brow, and 3 of his 7 testicles receded in an unprecedented display of terror.
“I was like ‘SHIT SHIT SHIT’, you know? There was a horse, right, but there was a GUY RIDING IT,” he recounted, visibly shaking at the memory.
“A GUY. Riding A HORSE,” he continued.
As the Cavalry drew near only one thing was clear to the great Scourge of All That Lives.
“There was no way I could go down there to stop it. Nuh-uh. NOOOOOO WAY.”
“I mean are you even listening to me? HE WAS RIDING A HORSE. I mean, shit man.”
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GG News: Bomb Scares Uncommon on the 10th Floor of the M Building
Recent bomb scares on the 10th floor in the venerable M building have many of the workers there worried.
Willis Ramo is head of security for the building and says that scares such as these, though uncommon, are nothing new to the building. As such, he claims, his staff is well prepared to deal with such threats.
“The key thing for my men is to be alert, and that starts with a good Sleep,” Willis said. “Then if a crisis hits, like a Fireball suddenly ripping through the building, they have enough Control of their Mind to not be Overrun with emotions and effectively get all the civilians out of Harm’s Way,” he continued.
“Serra Angel,” he added.
When asked about what measures he has in place, Willis could not go into specifics citing security concerns, but did offer one tidbit. “You know, between you and me,” Willis said while leaning in and lowering his voice, “this isn’t even the 10th floor! We put a big M10 placard over the 11th floor sign to throw ’em off!”.
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Drafting UGx in M10
Warning: This article contains language.
Alright, serious time guys, let’s talk about M10. It is very fashionable right now to say that M10 draft is a terrible format. I believe the argument goes a little bit like this:
- M10 has a lot of bombs.
- ???
- IT’S ALL LUCK.
If I hear one more person cry about how they were blown out by Overrun or Sleep I’m going to stab them. Yes there are many uncommon blowout cards can decide a match in M10. This means a couple things for those of us real men who want to get better at this format. First, you want to be the one casting the bombs if possible. Second, you want to be able to answer the bombs coming from the other side of the table. Now this may seem like common sense when I write it out like that, but I see people playing terrible aggro decks that cannot beat Giant Spider daily (let alone Sleep) so clearly someone is not getting the memo.
Anyway, I’m having some pretty solid success in this format so I’m going to talk about my very favorite archetype: UG(x). UG has a lot of things going for it. First of all, not only can it play 2 of the most absurd uncommon bombs in the format in Overrun and Sleep, but it is well equipped to make the most out of both, by allowing you to amass a large army of dorks while not allowing the enemy to attack profitably. Second, you get access to blue’s draw technology at common, which lets you regulate your draw better than the average bear. Third, you are playing green so you get easy splash access for bullshit like Fireball and Doom Blade if the situation arises.
Your weakness is that you cannot actually kill things. This is usually okay. As I will get to later, Deadly Recluse is actually a removal spell in disguise, and Entangling Vines does the trick against troubling beaters. Royal Assassin, however, may be a problem unless you are running ICE CAGE. It’s okay though, you are a real man so challenges like that do not deter you. Right?
Okay so let’s talk about some cards:
The Finishers: Overrun/Sleep
These cards are the reason to run UG. If I open one of these cards, I will likely try to draft UG. (If I do not open one of these cards, I will often force UG anyway and hope to grab one later but your mileage may vary.) These are first picks in the archetype, with only a few rares and maybe Mind Control qualifying as better. The idea is to try to craft a board position from which one of these cards wins the game.How many is too many? I like to have 2 of the above finishers in my deck if I possibly can. Obviously sometimes this is not possible. I will start taking certain other cards over the third, including premium flyers like Air Elemental or even something like Merfolk Looter if I don’t have any yet.
Sometimes you are UG and do not have Overrun or Sleep. This is called UG sadface. It is possible to win with UG sadface but it takes longer. Gogo Phantom Warrior.
The best commons in rough pick order:
Merfolk Looter
Looter is fantastic. He finds your lands, your finisher, your answer, or your gasoline, whichever you need most at the time. He also overruns for 4. I love this little bastard. Perhaps most importantly, Looter makes it very possible to win without a finisher. If you are drawing gas while they are drawing lands for too long, eventually you will get there on sheer card quality. Just believe in the power of the loot.Deadly Recluse
I got a lot better at this format when I realized that Deadly Recluse is basically a removal spell. He stops their best dude from attacking, and then he overruns for 4. When you think of it that way, he’s almost better than a removal spell in this archetype. I have first picked this guy and you should too.Stampeding Rhino
The Rhino is a god damn house. He’s offense, he’s defense, he’s pound for pound the best large monster at common for you. PS – Giant Growth yu.Giant Spider
Giant Spider is such a pain in the ass to get around in this format. He blocks nearly every common without breaking a sweat until you need him to go aggro with a finisher. I’ve played so many games where a single Giant Spider neutralizes 3 or more attackers because they simply cannot attack profitably. Hold up Negate and they can’t even get by him with a trick. Run as many as you can.Divination
Card advantage is hard to come by in this format. Divination gets you the necessary gasoline and draws you closer to your finishers. Pick ‘em high.Giant Growth
Combat tricks are huge in this format, and growth is one of the better ones. It will solve a lot of problems for you, including ICE CAGE.Entangling Vines
I would put this higher if you couldn’t count on getting them so late. These are actually key in this archetype as they are your best real removal spell. I recommend playing at least 2 if possible. This should probably go without saying but you want to save them for a creature you can’t otherwise handle if possible; don’t blow them on their turn 3 Warpath Ghoul. Good targets include super evasion creatures like Phantom Warrior and Dread Warlock, huge flyers like Air Elemental, and other pain in the ass creatures like Inferno Elemental.Centaur Courser
Sam Black said this card is probably a trap and I don’t know what the fuck that means, but when your opponent plays a turn 2 dork and you trump it with Centaur Courser, I suppose it might feel like a trap. Seriously, I love this guy. People are addicted to curve and play all kinds of stuff like Silvercoat Lion and Child of Night, both of which Courser shuts down. Courser is also larger than White/Black Knight, which is occasionally important. Follow your Courser with a turn 4 Giant Spider and start beating down.Borderland Ranger
This is a good man. He helps you get to UU or GGG all while providing a nice warm body that overruns for 5 or trades with Warpath Ghoul. Also gets a lot better if you’re splashing.Negate
I said it before in the forums and I will say it again: Negate is blowout insurance for the low, low price of 2 mana. Not only do you get to counter the monster finishers like Overrun/Sleep/Fireball, but you also counter the little annoying combat tricks like Harms Way that can occasionally blow open a game. Someone may have told you at some point that Cancel is better but they are lying to you: UU1 is infinitely harder to hold up than 1U.Essence Scatter
Worse than Negate in my humble opinion, but since you don’t have real creature removal and you often aren’t doing anything important on turn 2, these are nice to have.Snapping Drake/Wind Drake
Why so low, you may ask? Evasion dudes aren’t particularly critical to your strategy of Overrunning or Sleeping their face off. That, and Giant Spider and Razorfoot Griffin slap these guys with their insectoid and leonine dicks, respectively. Short of Giant Growth, you have no way of solving those problems if one of the above are chilling on D. That said, the drakes are in fact solid men, and are often good for a few swings before they get shut down. They’ll usually make the cut.Horned Turtle
Respect the Horned Turtle. Seriously, this motherfucker holds it down.Ponder
I will take all of the above (and maybe some of the below) first if I need them, but if you can pick up a Ponder or two, they should nearly always make the cut. Just don’t cast it on turn 1 like a cone unless you need to find lands. Value goes up if you draft Djinn of Wishes!Other commons that you may or may not want in no particular order:
Elvish Visionary
I don’t go out of my way to pick this guy, but if I’m short on 2 drops and have Overrun, this is a fine man.Llanowar Elves
This guy’s value definitely goes up if you already have Overrun or a lot of Coursers, but I wouldn’t take it too highly otherwise.Naturalize
Definitely maindeckable in this format, and always nice to have waiting in the board. Try to grab at least one late.Oakenform
Getting yourself 2 for 1’d with a creature enchantment is no way to win the game with Overrun, son.Mist Leopard
…is garbage but sometimes he makes the cut anyway. Barf.Unsummon
I don’t pick them very high but it’s worth noting that they’re better if you have 2 or more Essence Scatters in the deck. Also good to board in if you see creature enchantments and/or lots of Illusionary Servants.Rampant Growth
There’s nothing really good at 4 to ramp into at common. This gets better if you have Cudgel Troll or a splash color.ICE CAGE/Illusionary Servant
You either love these cards or hate them. Personally, I like cards that don’t randomly go dead to a Blinding Mage, especially in an archetype without real removal.Craw Wurm/Enormous Baloth
Yeah I know Baloth is an uncommon, shut up. These enormous expensive dudes are nice as a 1 or 2 of. I wouldn’t play any more than that. Their value goes up if you have a Sleep. Nothing like swinging into an empty board with a Craw Wurm… mmm…Notable Other Crap:
Fireball/Earthquake
These are easy splashes and you should first pick them in packs 2 and 3 if you are lucky enough to scoop them up. Grab Terramorphic Expanse, Rampant Growth, and Borderland Ranger higher accordingly.Doom Blade
I’ve splashed the swamp for multiple Doom Blades a couple times and it’s pretty solid, as they shore up one of the deck’s main weaknesses: the creature removal department. You know, the removal suite. The removal package. Doom Blade would like a word with you.Air Elemental/Mind Control
Obviously you should pick up these clutch blue uncommons if you get the chance.Cudgel Troll
Clearly nuts. It’s usually worth waiting to turn 5 him against red or black.Awakener Druid
+6/+6 from Overrun! 4/5 haste on turn 4! YAY!Howl of the Night Pack
Yeah this is real good in this deck.Wall of Frost
Horned Turtle is probably better than this thing because the Turtle can join the Overrun party. Just sayin’.Natures Spiral
This is a sick card if you have already picked up Gargoyle Castle or Mind Control.Alluring Siren
Actual flavor text: “Hey there big boy, I think you should impale yourself Giant Spider’s insectoid dick! Come on, it’ll be so fun!”Sample Draft
Pack 1 pick 1:
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Fuck yeah Sleep over Gargoyle Castle.Pack 1 pick 2:
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Mind Spring is some good.Pack 3 pick 2:
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I feel like I misclicked here or something, no idea why I took rod of ruin.Pack 3 pick 6:
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lolwtf.Pack 3 pick 13:
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This draft converter created by Benjamin Peebles-Mundy. Visit the draft converter today!
As you can see, I had a pretty good draft here. Usually I'm capable of a little more early damage (no Coursers!) but the 3 recluses and the howl more than make up for that here. I went with 18 lands because of the multiple Looters and the Mind Spring. Flooding will not be a problem for this deck, to say the least. I ended up 3-0, yay!
I hope you found this article helpful. Now go forth and shred some queues!
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MADD Educational Drunk Driving Videogame Backfires
What Mothers Against Drunk Driving spokespeople hoped would be a valuable day of learning for the students of Kayawatha Junior Highschool has turned into a public relations nightmare. MADD had recently hired local videogame company Verysoft to produce a video game that simulates the effects of drinking alcohol and driving. In an open house presentation, MADD spokesperson Terry Wilkinson introduced the game and gave a short lecture about the effects of drunk diving. Afterwards, the game consoles were opened up to the students to try out for themselves. To say that things didn’t go according to plan would be an understatement.“Well, the idea behind the game was to introduce kids to the dangers of drinking and driving through a medium that they will pay attention to, and enjoy,” Wilkinson explained. “Well, let’s just say that they were having a little too much fun during the part of the game where the driver was drunk.”
“This game is the BEST!” bubbled 7th grader Jamal White. “The game was boring as hell when you were just driving around normally, but when ‘Drink and Drive Dave’ starts drinking, the special effects are wicked! You start going a lot faster and there’s all these cool light tracer effects, and the music gets waaaaay louder. Whenever you hit X, Dave pounds another shot of whiskey and things get even more awesomer! It’s also a lot easier to crash, which is sweet!”The game was designed to be as realistic as possible, allowing players to choose what type of alcohol Dave ingests while driving the vehicle. Beer creates groggy response times and inability to keep your eyes on the road, whiskey increases anger and speed, while tequila creates blackouts lasting up to 30 seconds.
MADD staff noticed too late how the level of enjoyment increased during the drunk driving segment of the game. The students signalled their enjoyment with whooping, high-fiving and a general air of excitement. After the game session was completed, Mr. Wilkinson stood in front of the auditorium and gave a grave speech focusing on the realities of drunk driving that everyone seemed to ignore.“Drunk driving seems awesome,” said one Tiffany Lainstone. “I can’t wait until I’m sixteen!”
Most students shared her enthusiasm. “I drove into a gas station and everything exploded. I didn’t even think of doing that, I just sort of lost control and it happened. That’s badass!” echoed Timothy Tremblay. “Videogames teach me what is and isn’t acceptable in the real world!”
