Author: LSK

  • The Oxidation of the Mirrodin Small Town

    The streets of Bismont, Tinnessee are quiet these days, but it wasn’t always like that. This small town, nestled in the shadow of the great furnace, was once a thriving mining community. Like many towns in the once thriving region of the plane called the rust clamp, Bismont sits on a large deposit of artifact, and the town’s whole economy revolved around mining it.

    “It used to be that everyone who needed a job could get one in the mines” said Slobill, a 75-year-old retired krark-clan grunt. I met Slobill at a diner on main street, one of the few businesses still open. He lost a hand to a shrapnel blast, and a son to a runaway megatog. Nevertheless, he wishes the mine was still open. “We used to make stuff in this country. Everything used to be powered by artifact lands. The ironworks, the frogmite factories, heck I even knew a guy in Mephidross who just wanted people to destroy artifact lands in front of him. But now, with all this government regulation, no one uses artifact lands anymore.”

    Artifact lands, once the premier energy source of the multiverse, fell out of favor when the DCI discovered the harmful effect that pollution from sacrificing these lands had on the metagame. As the fifth sun rose for the first time, a flurry of new regulations and treaties severely limited the use of artifact lands across the multiverse, forcing the mine here to shut down.

    Many here in Bismont are hopeful that the election of a new Praetor, Elesh Norn, will usher in an age of deregulation that will lead to massive demand for artifact lands. “I’m sure that any day now, there will be some sort of Battle for New Phyrexia, and then everyone will be clamoring for the mines to reopen to power their Inkbound Ravagers and Greater Frogmites” Slobill’s wife Korva, Vulshok Homemaker, tells me. But Slobill isn’t so sure. “Sure, everyone used to want artifacts to power their furnace dragons and broodstars, but can we really compete with these new alternate energy sources like natural gas or cats. I just don’t know.”

  • ChannelFireball Announces Changes

    Channel Fireball has announced changes to their tournament system and floor rules after last week’s disastrous announcement:

    – You may now earn byes only via lottery. You get one entry to the lottery for every $10 you spend on the site.

    – In addition to not being allowed to trade with other players at events, you also are no longer allowed to speak to or gesture to other players without a vendor present.

    – Any card that is sold out at the Channel Fireball dealer table is banned for the duration of the event (updates each round.)

    – To prevent wasted time from players appealing bad rulings, all judge calls will be responded to by the head judge.

    – You’re allowed byes at team GPs, but only if you spend it with someone who insists on making you look at his build and going through his reasoning on a card-by-card basis.

    – All decks must be purchased on site from licensed vendors.

    – Making eye contact with judges now punished as Unsporting Conduct – Disrespect.

    – Eye contact with the head judge is Unsporting Conduct – Lèse-majesté.

    – No outside food or drink permitted. Why not partake instead of the tasty selections offered by the Channel Fireball food cart, which you can purchase with prize tickets?

    – Side events to be capped at 1 round with all 1-0 players receiving a single booster pack.

    – All players must be insured against mana screw for the duration of the event.

  • Exclusive Unstable Preview!

    Those of you familiar with us know that there’s two things we love here at Good Gamery: Magic cards, and humor. So when we heard Unstable was coming out soon, we reached out to Wizards for a preview, and we got one!

    We’ve been asked to only show the back of this card but we’re sure you’ll agree it looks like it could be a very exciting card:

  • Post-Modern Masters

    What is happening to our world? This question is on the tip of the tongue of every picket-fencer to ever own a bit of Native land right now. The rich don’t know if the government is on their side anymore. The poor don’t know if they’ve taken the halls of power or not. And the bourgeois just want a new Marvel movie to distract them from the storm clouds. But the true artist knows that the world hasn’t changed.

    Mark Rosewater is the single greatest living artist of our time. His world in Magic: THE Gathering has been an illuminating tent-pole for the outsider community, from tackling queer identity in Apocalypse (Jilt, Dead Ringers, Cromat), mass media control in Innistrad (Cloistered Youth, Feeling of Dread, Furor of the Bitten), or Theros’s takedown of fitness and health culture (Time to Feed, Messenger’s Speed, Pharika’s Cure), Rosewater has always known how to take the pulp and make it high art. And his latest “masterpiece” is beyond Modern.

    The Modern Masters series has historically been one of the most popular of Magic’s pieces. The idea is relatively ingenious: buy the stuff that you already have. The buyer doesn’t have to be confronted with anything new; to purchase Modern Masters is to purchase your comfort zone with worse art. This grip on nostalgia is being pushed even farther with the new exhibition: Post-Modern Masters.


    Grizzly Bears_zps0s7cfkvw

    Perhaps you’ll recognize this card. From the past. From the present. Even from the future. We were excited about (Grizzly Bears) as a child. We are excited about (Grizzly Bears) now. Cards like these are called “skill testers” as they allow us to reflect on our failings and how we might overcome them. The new-age self-help hogwash reeks on this one.


    Conspicuous Consumer_zpse9e28npf

    Speaking of self-help, what deconstruction would be complete without a bit of shop therapy? Black is the color that most accurately reflects the atheistic, consumption based world of the Magic player, where meaningful communion with God has been replaced with opening a fetchland. When we crack a pack we crack our soul; our excitement fades into stacks of miniature commercials saying, “Try burn!” and “Save me cause I might be pauper-relevant!” Black can’t do anything but lose.


    Eager Cadet_zpsqpgy4eiw

    But now for a bit of contradictions. How do you show that each persons’ experience is unique while frankly pointing out how homogenized we are. First there was the Neopets shop. Now there is Eager Cadet. You can’t play it in tournaments, but you wouldn’t anyway. Because it does what it does, no more, no less. Not to mention a wonderful example of the ‘flavor-text within a flavor-text’ motif started back in Alpha.


    Panopticon Not the Planechase One_zps2xxtvhi1

    The number of games of Magic you have played is countless. Yet the number must be higher. Is this freedom? How can a human feel (let’s face it, there’s no such thing as being) free when they can only evaluate things against one another. This one is big. This one is small. This one is strictly better. This one is strictly worse. Strip out the parts and get to the heart. The treadmill is all you know.


    Mountain 1993_zpsqnezga4b

    A total miss at every level. What’s this Bob Ross clusterwhoops? I get it. It’s named like a painting. Ohohoho nostalgia blah blah blah. Mark Rosewater has totally lost his touch and as far as I’m concerned has forfeited the title of artist. So easy.


    City of Glass_zpsjrd5gm6l

    Rosewater often references how lands are a design feature and not a flaw. There are things that you say in public which you could never believe in private. More than any other card, this highlights how trapped he must feel in his daily life. Untap. Upkeep. Draw. First main. Go to declare attackers. Block. Maybe combat damage. Second main. Clean up. And his opponent, that shadowy alien, takes its turn seemingly in tandem. Soulbound, Rosewater passes priority to death.


    Cardboard_zpslmdwz3r5

    If the world is driving off a cliff, I’m glad Mark Rosewater is in charge of the radio. I love REM.

    MSRP: About $12.99, depending on the day

  • Neighborhood Man Disappoints Trick-or-Treaters

    Seattle, Washington — Neighborhood children are despondent after discovering that, instead of candy, parents will be handing out “treasure chests” this year for Halloween. “Treasure chests” are curated packages of Halloween favorites, like raisins, stickers, candy corn and 20-carat diamonds.

    “We feel that treasure chests will truly add to the excitement of the Halloween experience,” according to local man Worth Wollpert. “We felt that currently the Halloween experience is damaged by the fact that whenever a child goes to a house, they know they are going to get candy they want or can trade with their friends for candy they want. Treasure chests reintroduce fun surprises that truly capture the spirit of Halloween.” Wollpert then noticed a child trying to trade their sealed treasure chest for a circus peanut, and ran away to try to stop them.

    But many in the neighborhood are upset by this change. “Fuck you, I want candy. Why do the adults think they can keep on shitting on us like this?” inquired one local child. Another child expressed that he felt this change was “the stupidest thing ever” and told us that he was thinking about trick-or-treating on Stonehearth Road instead.

    UPDATE: Following the publication of this article, neighborhood spokesperson Lee Sharpe issued a statement.

    “We have heard your concerns about treasure chests. We remain very excited for their release but wanted to address some trick-or-treaters concerns. We heard your requests and will be providing a complete breakdown of the percentage each treasure chest can contain a premium treat. In addition, we are thinking about allowing trick-or-treaters to trade treasure chests in the future.”

    Treasure Chest Contents

    Commons

    Raisins
    Staples
    Apple Slices
    Crayons
    Jack Chick Tracts
    Carrots
    Informational Pamphlet about the Lutheran Church on 6th Street
    Ketchup Packets

    Uncommon

    Tootsie Rolls
    Smarties
    Breath Mints
    A bag of cereal
    Candy Corn
    Trail Mix

    Mythic Rare/Premium

    20-Carat Diamond
    Fun Size Snickers
    Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup
    Starbursts
    A BMW
    Cocaine
    Twizzlers
    Starbursts
    Hundred dollar bill
    Peanut M&Ms

  • LIVE COVERAGE OF GRAND PRIX: SEATTLE

    RICH HAGON

    Feathers and flocks are set to fly at this, the grand reunion of sanctioned Magic and the stormy climate of sleepy Seattle, Washington, the state named for a president that never visited. The setting is Saturday, the event is a Grand Prix, the format is a Rochester draft of You Make the Set 2016, and the playing field is covered with Storm Crows dropping all over these tables. This event has proven to be historic in another way: boasting competitive Magic’s most exclusive collection of players, only the five bravest souls in the Multiverse decided their mettle was worthy of testing in what would be a grueling and punishing three rounds of Rochester Draft. We had time to speak to each, so let’s get to know these wizards now:

    N4vvaHr

    Jon Finkel makes a return to the big stage, finding time from typing a novel on a laptop in a coffee shop to shuffle up and show the new generation why he’s still the biggest name in the game.

    juhI960

    Kai Budde, the German Juggernaut, makes an appearance to demonstrate his World Champion prowess by sitting in the bleachers drinking draught ale.

    ERx0Kny

    Sheldon Menery, also a top judge, also in attendance, taking a break between turns during an intense Commander match to play his rounds in this event.

    aHRYHcH

    Bobby Fischer makes his debut in competitive Magic at this event, which is impressive for a man who’s been dead for nearly eight years. He was disqualified before the first round for claiming that Wizards employs Jewish necromancers, a clear violation of his non-disclosure agreement with Wizards.

    kQfkWVm

    A local player who only called himself “Roy” came to the event prepared with what he called an “invincible counter troll” strategy of ten Islands, thirty Storm Crows. When asked what his last name was, he replied, “You should know who I am,” then added, “:9”.

    SEMI-FINALS: SHELDON VS FINKEL

    Both players examined their opening hands, with Finkel going deep into the tank on the mulligan decision. After deeply contemplating what he would later describe as an “existential crisis,” he offered Sheldon the option to decide the round with a coin flip, and was promptly disqualified. In a post-interview, Finkel described the format as “mostly solved, so there was nothing for me to gain by playing. I had a moment where I realized I could be doing anything other than attacking with Storm Crows, for example, writing the follow-up to my critically-acclaimed book, Jonny Magic & the Card Shark Kids.”

    SHELDON 0 FINKEL 0 (Disqualified)

    SEMI-FINALS: KAI VS BEER

    After Fischer’s pre-tournament disqualification, leaving us lacking in a feature match to, uh, feature, we “drafted” Kai to fill in. He had his own ideas.

    Kai spent most of the weekend practicing for this event with his Thursday night trivia team, and the confidence he exuded was matched only by the number of bathroom breaks he took during this round.

    His opponent, a pint of beer, was Kai’s seventh round against this time-tested opponent. Beer hails from ancient Egypt, and was instrumental in the building of the Pyramids deck that dominated professional Magic for millenia. While beer’s popularity in the professional circuit has waned in recent years due to vaping’s meteoric rise, it nonetheless makes frequent appearances at side events as an under-the-radar strategy.

    The round began with three pints being put onto the battlefield by the event staff, but Kai brought his champion’s dominance of the format to the fore, outdrinking everyone in the building. Games one and two ended somewhat predictably, but game three wrapped up with celebration from the audience when the board was cleared and Kai summoned forth a liter of Jagermeister to close up the round.

    We only then found out that Kai was in fact drinking for charity, and that this event broke his previous record. Legal informed us that this meant we were implicitly promoting said charity, which was good, but Kai didn’t ask permission to do so at a Magic event, which is bad. He received a six-month suspension.

    KAI 3 (Suspended) BEER 0

    GRAND FINALS – ROY VS SHELDON

    Before the round began, Sheldon requested a deck check, complaining that Roy’s sleeves appeared worn. It was discovered shortly after that Roy had replaced the cards he had drafted with numerous counterfeit copies of Troll Ascetic, Crystal Shard, and a homemade card simply titled, “HEHAL.” Roy protested that his deck was tampered with by the judge staff, which is under review.

    We would like to take this time to remind players that counterfeit cards are not to be used for any reason, especially not in a sanctioned event or against a player in a sanctioned event as a mechanism for sabotage. Barring any further evidence to support his claims, Roy has been banned for life.

    SHELDON 0 ROY 0 (Banned)

    How surprising and truly Magical that an event built around so much unity – in this case, a set of nothing but Storm Crow – could inspire such chaos. Only in an event like this would we see new and brilliant strategies for overtaking your opponents, sometimes never having to even sit down to play.

    Kai’s memorial service will be held privately in a church in Berlin.

    – Rich “The Hague” Hagon

  • SET REVIEW: YOU MAKE THE SET 2016

    LUIS SCOTT-VARGAS

    Ratings Scale

    5.0: Multi-format all-star. (Storm Crow. Storm Crow. Storm Crow.)
    4.0: Format staple. (Storm Crow. Storm Crow. Storm Crow.)
    3.5: Good in multiple archetypes and formats, but not a staple. (Storm Crow. Storm Crow. Storm Crow.)
    3.0: Archetype staple. (Storm Crow. Storm Crow. Storm Crow.)
    2.5: Role-player in some decks, but not quite a staple. (Storm Crow. Storm Crow. Storm Crow.)
    2.0: Niche card. Sideboard or currently unknown archetype. (Storm Crow. Storm Crow. Storm Crow.) Bear in mind that many cards fall into this category, although an explanation is obviously important.
    1.0: It has seen play once. (Storm Crow.)

    I’ll be the first to admit, reviewing a fan-made set seemed daunting, even moreso after seeing how the set took form and became what it is today. That said, I’ve already accepted the contract for writing this piece, so I will do my best to offer some in-depth analysis of how to make the best of the new card(s).

    Blue

    Storm Crow

    StormCrowSquire

    Constructed: *.0

    A two-drop that defines the format because it is the format. Storm Crow dominating the meta is an understatement, the card is ubiquitous in a way not seen since, well, ever. The 1 power gave me pause, but the 2 toughness made me consider intricacies of combat I had never considered before. Having nothing but Storm Crow at your disposal to close games, every attack feels like a dare to you, the actual player, and accepting how far you’ll go to win.

    That said, I expect it to not be a role-player after the season is over; after it ends, if this card turns out to be playable in constructed, I’ll eat crow.

    Pun rating: A+ I’m doing my own grades this time

    Top 10 Constructed Cards

    10. Storm Crow
    9. Storm Crow
    8. Storm Crow
    7. Storm Crow
    6. Storm Crow
    5. Storm Crow
    4. Storm Crow
    3. Storm Crow
    2. Storm Crow
    1. Storm Crow

    As always, this list isn’t just in order of rating, but is a combination of cards I think will be impactful or interesting. By definition, this list includes the same card ten times.

    The question that remains is whether there are any interesting brews that can come from the new set. Here’s three possible directions I’d recommend starting with:

    Aggcrow

    A fairly straightforward all-in attack deck that minimizes land count for efficiency and consistency. The odds of not having ample Storm Crows in your opener are significantly reduced, and you also decrease the risk of drawing lands when you need birds.

    Combcrow

    Casual-favorite and Coldsnap stalwart Thrumming Stone makes an appearance here, abusing the Relentless Rats clause to dump a bunch of birds onto the board for 1U. Operates faster than the Relentless Rats builds, plus these birds fly; at the end of the day, 32 flying damage should be more than enough to close out games.

    Caw-Go

    A new take on Randy Buehler’s Draw-Go deck, this uses Storm Crow in place of Rainbow Efreet to close out games after achieving complete resource dominance over an opponent. Should you be ready to cast it, Storm Crow closes out goldfish games just as well as any other threat in its slot.

    I look forward to seeing your brews in the comments, but until then, look forward to Grand Prix: Seattle showcasing what Storm Crow can do this weekend.


    Available one night only, a promotional Storm Crow-themed Island — and that night is tonight! Be sure to attend your local FNM for your one and only chance to obtain one of these super-rare promos!

    StormCrowIsland

    Players attending Grand Prix: Seattle will receive this promo:

    StormCrowPhyrexia

  • MAGIC FICTION: THE STORM CROW

    DOUG BEYER

    This week, we’re taking a break from the main Magic lore to bring you a special piece of poetry to commemorate You Make the Set 2016‘s upcoming release. Enjoy!

    YlBu6SO

    Once upon a Friday night,
    assembled players with all their might,
    netdecking unholy beasts of yore.
    I arrived, stoic, to instigate a fight,
    with my assembled deck of birds of flight,
    a deck of isles tapping for blue and nothing more;-
    one blue, one colorless, and nothing more.

    Beginning my first round in that hot July,
    upon which my Storm Crows I would rely,
    stacked a flock of forty in my library of forgotten lore.
    With twenty Islands to help them fly,
    toward my opponent’s face ‘cross the sky,
    forty Storm Crows, and nothing more;-
    forty 1/2s, and nothing more.

    Began I drew my hand and stare,
    six lands and Storm Crow, of company bare,
    less than lethal was the sum.
    Turn two I conjured my familiar there,
    prayers of victory or perhaps fortune’s fare,
    should I topdeck another Storm Crow fair,
    then tapped my Storm Crow and swung for one;-
    a single Storm Crow, it swings for one.

    A grin grew on my opponent’s face,
    his Eldrazi minions thrust forth with grace,
    while my Storm Crow swings for a measly one.
    Should I draw more gas and keep apace
    of the damage present and his quickening pace,
    he redzones his dude and attacks my sum;-
    Two points of damage, eighteen is my sum.

    Desperately I knock my lore
    of feathers and beaks, much still in store,
    should I draw my crows and begin the game in true.
    Yet my opponent he begins to snore,
    bored of our match and Eldrazi at his fore,
    me sitting cornered behind ample lands of blue;-
    a furrow of doubt grows behind lands of blue.

    Furious digging brings ill of fortune,
    my opponent chuckles at my misfortune,
    telling me I should “get good.”
    Yet ten cards yield no battlefield burgeon,
    my life total in need of a chirurgeon,
    it drops to twelve against forests of wood;-
    World Breaker then summoned by forests of wood.

    As time cruelly wilts the fragrant rose,
    his Eldrazi rise and raze and hose
    my mana base and library as they insatiably ingest,
    draining my resources and my heart froze:
    my second-seen Storm Crow exiled and my misery grows,
    unable to summon it and I digest;-
    my board state shrivels as he casts Infest.

    Soon a scoop seems necessary,
    but time for play is scant and I am wary,
    of starting this FNM zero-one.
    Strength failing, I place hand on library, wary,
    gulping deeply through my neckbeard hairy,
    for a third Storm Crow to attack him some;-
    another attempt to attack my opponent’s sum.

    Fate clips his wings and my deck delivers,
    a Storm Crow finds me and my heart it quivers,
    hubris wrapped in the guise of an attacker for one.
    I tap two mana, cast it, and my opponent shivers,
    cold to the stratagem I have delivered,
    and mercifully skips combat to see me swing for one;-
    a Storm Crow asking me, “swing for one?”

    Facing lethal in retaliation,
    beads of sweat punctuate my hesitation,
    knowing that this fight cannot be won.
    My opponent chuckles in anticipation,
    flicks his cards to my agitation,
    then instigates forth, “swing for one?”;-
    I commit to my fate and swing for one.

    Ought not that would I build this brew,
    a single game plan I was due,
    building and playing this deck simply for fun.
    But after twenty cards from my deck in view,
    only two Storm Crows took wing and flew,
    my life falls to zero and the duel is done;-
    the Storm Crow scooped after a swing for one.


    And now for your daily spoilers:

    StormCrowGlass

    StormCrowzilek

    StormCrowExpedition

    DragonStormCrow

  • CHANGES YOU CAN EXPECT FOR YOU MAKE THE SET 2016

    HELENE BERGEOT, AFTERWORD BY ELAINE CHASE

    After panicked and hasty consideration by Legal, we have a series of announcements to help players navigate this new and mysterious chapter in Magic’s history. This is intended to be an exhaustive and all-inclusive list of answers for questions the community has asked us over the past few days.

    DECK-BUILDING & FUNCTIONAL ERRATA

    With Grand Prix: Seattle happening this weekend, we were asked a number of deck construction questions, and how it would affect the Limited format chosen for the event.

    As this is a Limited event, the regular deck construction rules apply with regards to quantities of Storm Crows available. That is, you may run as many copies of Storm Crow as you select or open during Draft and Sealed. We understand that players generally agree that running 45 copies of Storm Crow in a 40-card deck is suboptimal and thus players may not be able to use all of their favorite copies of Storm Crow, however we leave the answer to that as a problem for the players to solve. We’ll just say this: 40 cards is only a minimum.

    For Constructed events, Storm Crow now features functional errata which grants it the Relentless Rats Clause. This errata will not be printed on the physical product so as to not cause confusion to players who wish to play with two different versions of Storm Crow, it is instead a special rule inherent to the card name Storm Crow. The Comprehensive Rules will reflect this new system in its next update; the new Oracle text for Storm Crow reads:

    Flying

    A deck can have any number of cards named Storm Crow.

    The format of Grand Prix: Seattle will change from Booster Draft to Rochester Draft, enabling players to select from their choice of rarity and artwork, and because we wanted it to be a surprise if a player picked a foil-backed version of a card.

    COMMANDER UPDATE

    Storm Crow is now legal to use as your commander.

    GONE TO ROOST

    We believe these changes and clarifications will make this dark chapter in Magic a little gentler and easier for our extremely patient and understanding fan base, who are also handsome and charming. Please accept these new changes with our sincere apologies and desire to move past this.

    -Helene


    Afterword by Elaine Chase

    After responding to community outrage regarding what we at Wizards considered to be a straight-forward article clarifying in detail what issues lay ahead for this post-Storm Crow world, it appears we missed one major question that left players mad at us. We apologize. Here is our official stance on the issue:

    We do not care if you use Storm Crows as proxies for other Storm Crows. Do whatever you want.

    -Elaine


    StormCrowDAMN

    StormCrowWoG

    StormCrowDAMNATION

    StormCrowling