Category: best of

  • Choose Your Own Alara

    You wake up in an iron-barred cell. Sunlight streams through an opening in the ceiling and through the slits in the wall. The floor is so clean you could eat off of it. You hear a distant angelic choir singing in the distance. You hate choir music.

    “Well, I’m still in Bant,” you think to yourself. “And I’ve been Bant.”

    You try to remember the last thing you can remember. You were on your way to visit your prick cousin Rafiq in Eos in order to borrow some sigils to pay your rent back in Jhess. Along the way, as you passed through the Mosaa Marketplace, you noticed a suspicious looking fellow quietly conferring with a towering dragon from which emanated malevolence and power beyond all reckoning. They were clearly up to something suspicious.

    That’s when the dragon met your gaze. The next thing you knew, you felt your mind being pulled through space, time and death, through hellish voids and uncomfortably crowd parties, pulled to a distant land known as Grixis. The name of the place echoed in your brain. You knew this was an evil place, otherwise it would be named Shalasha or something. It stank of non-Bantery, writhed with the withered wizardry of wilted wills, gave you a headache.

    But nothing compared to the headache you have now.

    What do you do?

    Yell to the guard for a some ibuprofenmancy.

    Try to climb out of the skylight.

  • What Magic Color are You, You Moron?

    As Internet quizzes have shown us, any list of any kind can neatly compartmentalize everyone’s personality. And these even apply to the various kinds of idiots we all have to deal with.

    If you are a nincompoop, imbecile or blockhead, your individual personality likely aligns with one of the five colors of Magic: The Gathering, and should feel free to put any of the following images into your MTGSalvation signature in order to better express yourself.
















  • Magical Cards Facebook Feed

    Will wrote on Architects of Will‘s Wall: “Happy Mother’s Day!”

    May 10, 2009
    Nacatl Outlander completed the quiz “Which Invasion block card are you?” with the result “You are Yavimaya Barbarian”.

    May 9, 2009
    Yavimaya Barbarian
    Bullshit!
    Progenitus posted a note: My 25.

    May 8, 2009
    You all know the drill. Write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits or goals about you. At the end choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you.
    1. I have protection from fireflies
    2. I have protection from angry mobs
    3. I have protection from most household cleaning products
    Stun Sniper
    lol #19 is totally me
    Wrath of God
    why do i never get tagged in these things :(
    Identity Crisis joined the group Black White Tokens Sideboard Cards.

    May 7, 2009
    Head Games
    Hey man, welcome aboard! Make yourself at home, we’re like a family here!
    Ajani Goldmane
    awkward
    Enlisted Wurm is friends with Wrath of God.

    May 6, 2009
    Enigma Sphinx
    :hifive:
    Enigma Sphinx is friends with Enlisted Wurm.

    May 6, 2009
    Deathbringer Thoctar poked Spirit Token.

    May 5, 2009
    Deathbringer Thoctar poked Spirit Token.

    May 5, 2009
    Deathbringer Thoctar poked Spirit Token.

    May 5, 2009
    Deathbringer Thoctar poked Faerie Rogue Token.

    May 5, 2009
    Deathbringer Thoctar poked Faerie Rogue Token.

    May 5, 2009
    Jund Charm gave two +1/+1 counters to Deathbringer Thoctar.

    May 5, 2009
    Wall of Denial was tagged in a photo.

    April 30, 2008

    Wall of Denial
    that’s not me
    Progenitus posted his Top 5 Borderposts

    April 21, 2009

    Fieldmist, Firewild, Mistvein, Veinfire, Wildfield

    Maelstrom Pulse joined the group Type 2 Chase Rares.

    April 20, 2009
    Blitz Hellion completed the quiz “Which Invasion block card are you?” with the result “You are Shivan Wurm”.

    April 18, 2009
    Jund Hackblade and Figure of Destiny are in a relationship.

    April 16, 2009
    Meddling Mage completed the quiz “Which Invasion block card are you?” with the result “You are Galina’s Knight”.

    April 16, 2008
    Meddling Mage
    wtf
    Terminate
    you’re doing it wrong
    Ardent Plea is friends with Hypergenesis.

    April 15, 2009
    Stun Sniper poked Steward of Valeron.

    April 14, 2009
    Steward of Valeron
    n e time baby ;)
    Wilt-Leaf Liege
    cool ur jets hussy, he’s got work to do
    Tidehollow Sculler posted 5 Things I Could Grab from Where I’m Sitting: No Cheating

    April 2, 2009

    Wren’s Run Vanquisher, Profane Command, Twilight Mire, Treetop Village, Cloudthresher

    Spectral Procession
    grab the thresher pls
    Progenitus is wondering why he never gets friend requests :(

    March 31 2009
    Magic Online posted a note: “Sorry all the events are crashing. We will now be taking entries manually.”

    March 31 2009
    Pumbles Mumbles
    CAW
    Samwise_GeeGee
    CAW
    Wizards of the Coast posted a note: Prismatic out, Kaleidoscope in.

    March 20, 2009
    Marcio Carvalho left the group Pro MtG Players.

    March 1, 2009
    Marcio Carvalho posted on Lukasz Musial‘s wall: “Hey man, what cards you got there?”

    Feb 21, 2009
  • Wizard Energy Beverages

    Teferi, Mage of Zhalfir: Welcome to the Wizard Energy Beverage tasting experience! I’m Teferi.

    Ertai, Wizard Adept: And I’m Ertai. We’re going to try all of the top Wizard Energy drinks so that you don’t have to.

    5-Mana Taste Rating System:

    Tastes like a kiss from a blessed fruit golem.

    You fall face-first into a pile of dried out old shoes, but someone spilled fresh lemonade over them first, so it’s not all bad.

    Tastes like a zombie-cursed imp tree growing on top of a haunted rubbish pile in the plane of festering insects and dying dreams.



    Bottle Gnomenergy Classic

    Teferi, Mage of Zhalfir: This is the standby energy drink of students at the Tolarian Academy. I remember pulling countless all-nighters on this stuff. It has a tangy berry flavor, but mysteriously it has an odor reminiscent of a healing salve. I could drink this stuff all day!

    Rating:

    Ertai, Wizard Adept: We’re off to a good start here. Bottle Gnomenergy Classic is the drink that walks on its own, and when you drink it, you’ll feel like you are moving on energy that isn’t your own. The only problem is that the kick doesn’t last very long.

    Rating:



    New Bottle Gnomenergy

    Teferi, Mage of Zhalfir: This is the reformulated “new” Bottle Gnomenergy, which now comes in two bottle designs, although there is nothing discernibly different between the flavors of each. They added a brassy aftertaste, and took away some of the berry flavor. Why?

    Rating:

    Ertai, Wizard Adept: This is the drink preferred by all of the Delifs of the Wizarding world. Subpar.

    Rating:



    KnowlEDGE Thirstberry

    Teferi, Mage of Zhalfir: Tasting this is like a nightmare. It’s like you are drinking a dry cloud dipped in ink, with a sharp metallic aftertaste. There are little floating orbs of some sort of jelly, except it’s from a jellyfish of some sort. It even smells like an old library, which is incredible because it looks almost the same as Bottle Gnomenergy. The only good thing about it is that you aren’t thirsty afterwards, but that’s probably because your body develops antibodies that fight off liquids as soon as you start digesting it.

    Rating:

    Ertai, Wizard Adept: Why is this called Thirstberry? There are no berries anywhere in the flask, unless you count the balls of jellyfish that some beverage mage decided to add to this mixture in a fit of delirium. This has a huge kick to it, though, much more so than Gnomenergy.

    Rating:



    Suleiman Djinnergy 3% ABV

    Teferi, Mage of Zhalfir: This incredible limited-edition drink is a mix of Gin, Mint, and a concentrated energy elixir. After the first sip I was so wired I went outside and beat up a Hill Giant. It’s kind of expensive, though.

    Rating:

    Ertai, Wizard Adept: This was awful. The initial taste was fine, but the aftertaste was like a swift kick in the lungs from a smelly titan with rotting pine trees for feet.

    Rating:



    Bottled NRG Orange Cloister

    Teferi, Mage of Zhalfir: It tastes like a Cloister, all right. Did you know that a Cloister is a piece of architecture, and not a tasty flavor? Imagine you’re drinking a tincture made from chalk and sand, and then someone sets an orange on the table while you drink it, so you can imagine that it tastes like oranges. At least it didn’t try to kill me.

    Rating:

    Ertai, Wizard Adept: When I drank this, I was fine for a couple minutes, but then I fell asleep. Five minutes later, I was up again with twice the energy I had before. Crazy! It’s too bad it tastes like a gigantic boat full of rocks crashed into a single orange tree.

    Rating:



    Ventifact Xtra

    Teferi, Mage of Zhalfir: Wow, I’m afraid to even try this. That’s a real spider. The bottle looks like a necromancer tried to make a thrull out of a potato and a chair.

    Rating:

    Ertai, Wizard Adept: Even the bottle knows it tastes bad. It’s throwing up a little. I’m throwing up a little.

    Rating:



    Feroz’s Grape

    Teferi, Mage of Zhalfir: Oh, I’m glad we are back to normal-looking drinks. Like everything from the Homelands, this costs a lot but doesn’t give you much energy. Through some clever illusion, it looks like there is a small planet inside the bottle, but it tastes like grapes. Not bad!

    Rating:

    Ertai, Wizard Adept: This is the type of drink that all of the Delifs in the world prefer to drink. Bland and ineffective.

    Rating:



    XXtra Clear Energy Tincture

    Teferi, Mage of Zhalfir: This tastes like literally nothing. There is no taste, no odor, no viscosity, and no temperature. I don’t see what other Wizards see in this beverage.

    Rating:

    Ertai, Wizard Adept: You can taste the power, but almost nothing else. It takes a very refined and powerful Wizard to enjoy this. It’s also good mixer for vodka.

    Rating:



    Trips Energy Mixxxture

    Teferi, Mage of Zhalfir: This comes in three flavors, all in one bottle: Time Grape, Time Blueberry, and Time Raspberry. Each is good in their own right, but when mixed together in the right proportions you are effectively time walking all other beverages.

    Rating:

    Ertai, Wizard Adept: You get a three-for-one on flavor. It’s a tremendous advantage when drinking with enemies, and a good time when drinking with friends.

    Rating:



    Powerwine Iron Fortifier Cola

    Teferi, Mage of Zhalfir: Look how intense the guy on the label is. He is bursting with energy.

    Ertai, Wizard Adept: There is so much energy in that wine that he became cross-eyed! I bet you can see the future if you drink the whole bottle at once.

    Rating:

    Teferi, Mage of Zhalfir: In the future, everything tastes like iron, and then you throw up.

    Rating:



    Teferi, Mage of Zhalfir: Well, that was an experience.

    Ertai, Wizard Adept: An experience that you, the reader, no longer need to have!

    Teferi, Mage of Zhalfir: I feel like I was punched in the face with a lightning bolt.

    Ertai, Wizard Adept: See you next time, if we don’t become corrupted or phase out before then!

  • Lord of Jund to Nationalize Dragons

    HARRIS FAMILY DINING ROOM TABLE — In a bold, costly attempt to end instability and conflict brought on by the summoning spells of mighty wizards, Karrthus, Tyrant of Jund announced the nationalization of all dragons on Tuesday. The move puts a variety of key economic functions under the direct control of Karrthus, including Hunting, Harvesting Devastation, Igniting and Awakening, as well as the tides, most of the stars, and the Game-Trail department.

    If successful, Lord Karrthus would come into play, assume sole control of all dragons, and untap them with state resources. The plan does not require the consent of the dragons, and, upon execution, would be permanent. Current dragonholders would be wiped out.

    “We know this will take massive resources and has a low probability of success,” said Karrthus during a recent whistle-stop tour of five mountains, a scrubland and the City of Brass. “But these dragons represent an unacceptable systemic risk that only the government can properly untap and administer.”

    When asked whether the Karrthus administration would put restrictions on the dragons to prevent them from continued ravaging, Jund Press Secretary Flameblast Dragon said, “All dragons are on the table at this point.”

    It is by far the most expensive and broad dragon nationalization on record, although Karrthus has been quick to point out that dragon seizures are fairly common during periods of interplanar conflict. Previous plans, however, tended to take place at half the cost, in one color, with broad legislative support, and with counter backup.

    Even in those cases, the plans were unpopular, and this one is not without its detractors.

    A coalition against the nationalization, led by former Nicol Bolas minion Malfegor, has mobilized in protest. In support of the effort Malfegor is, through a third-party vendor, selling limited-edition posters of Lord Kathara teabagging him.

    “We’re not sure he knows what he means,” said one zombie on the condition of anonymity, “but we’re willing to humor him if puts that uppity Jundie in his place.”

    A press release from Malfegor’s staff office read, “This is more tap-and-spend from a government that has run out of ideas. We’ve all heard of big plans like this before, but how many of those plans ever resolved? All our swamps are still tapped from the Debtors’ Knell he tried to play last turn, and we’re not seeing that anytime soon. A DRAGON WILL NOT BE RULED!”

    When asked about Malfegor, Karrthus remarked, “Of course dragons can be ruled. That’s the basis for the entire dragon system of government. As Mr. Malfeagor knows all too well, there is always a greater power.”

    “Also, you can do pretty much anything for seven mana.”

    Karrthus confirmed that, barring counters, the action would be completed with haste.

  • ‘Alara Reborn’ Flavor Text Selections





    His mouth is a dark cave bats dare not enter.

    “When a land of fire meets a land of steel, the smelting will begin.” – Ancient Esper tale

    When dragons cease to prowl the skies, the skies shall prowl themselves.

    When the undead of Grixis rose from the ground, the Bant army knew they must not fall to it.

    An artificial world will treat all entering humans inhumanely.

    The sky trembled. The earth shook. The soldiers gasped. Alara had risen.

    When Bant soldiers ventured into the land of metal, many gave up their weaponry and social lives to study the beings there intently. It became known as Esperger’s Syndrome.

    (^ kingcobweb)


    If the Grixis shall be upon us in the morning, then let us be on them tonight!

    “From house to house and door to door, when the Zaxaphlablisdub comes knocking, you are no more!” – Jund children’s rhyme

    Tree trunks, Gooble? No! Those are legs!

    If by the pike you live, it is by my axe that you shall die!

    It was in the night. There were whispers. And then there was nothing.

    “Esper, Jund, Grixis, Naya, Bant, this is the land that I’ll enchant!” – Plahamotiuyr, upon his creation of Alara

    You say your sword is hewn upon my anvil? Well then, boy, answer why has it not already cleaved your soul?

    Look at that, son, and understand the beauty around you.

    The Grixis may be undead, but we will be sure to remedy that very soon.

    Carry with you this, for this will with you go and forever heal your aches that you have.

    “Impossible! It’s almost as if it’s… alive!” – Esper mage’s last words

    Before them lay the largest feast they had ever seen. Fruits and meats of every kind stacked one upon the other in a display of the greatest of Naya fortunes. They ate it and were full.

    I have but one word for you, spellcaster… “No.”

    For thousands of years the only thing he could think to do with his axe was cut trees. That was before Alara rose again.

    No tree grows taller than the Bulbubabblebibububba can see.

    “Ugh, snakes. Why did it have to be snakes as I ride through the despicable Jund forest on my steed of Esper magic, prepared for battle with the gallantry of my blade?” – Indiaranidious Jonusfer

    With the growl of the foxfire, with the snap of lizard jaws, with the cry of its victims, it was born.

    “Grok making a list of ten things he doesn’t like.”

    “What about water?”

    “Grok making a list of eleven things he doesn’t like.”

    Beware when the Axipolosis appears at rest, for it is anything but.

    I have crushed the skulls of thousands, but what do I do about this?

    If you wish to know the sound of the rain, roll a ball down a hill. Once it stops, you will have your answer.

    (^ Reisen)


    He’s the most baleful zombie that ever baled.

    Death is afraid to walk in the valley of the shadow of him.

    “Yeah whatever, protection bitches.” – Progenitus

    She is respected for her power and wanked-to for her beauty.

    There are 7 words on Jund for “kill” but it doesn’t know any of them because it is a dog and dogs cannot talk.

    “If I had a nickel for every time someone survived the Macrosanth, well… I wouldn’t have any nickels.” – Gwafa Hazid

    The filigree drake flew majestically through the air just as a brick wouldn’t.

    “I’ve got three good reasons why you should get out of my way.” – Jundian Triceratops-mage

    (^ Pterrus)


    When he enters play all the other creatures go “daaaaaaaaaayum.”

    His comedy routine is the funniest in the world – too bad the only people to ever hear it are his victims.

    The ground shook. The earth trembled. The universe imploded. The summoning was complete; too bad it didn’t matter because the universe had imploded.

    His entire vocabulary consists of one word: “Destroy.”

    “More like she who paints the earth red, am I right fell-” – Last words of Groggernockit, Goblin comedian

    The beast was so large that it warped the space time continuum.

    “Even I can’t touch it!” – Mycosynth Hammer on Progenitus

    Men have been lost in its orifices, never to be seen again.

    The creature slithered through the murk, and the murk shuddered.

    (^ Crunchums)


    The Grixis have no words for “want” in their language. Only “take”.

    “Guide me, oh sword, for I shall be on my mighty steed Kantros by sundown, but the price shall be my soul!” – Bant War Song

    When the angels entered the battlefield, the enemy scattered like rice thrown directly at the ground.

    Awakening to the sight of Rashada, Queen of the Sphinx is like awakening to your own death. Neither is pleasant, and neither is possible.

    The fortress often becomes a cage, but what happens when the cage becomes a fortress?

    For the denizens of Jund, the presence of clouds on the horizon can mean only one thing: a storm is coming.

    Naya is home to millions of different unique organisms, but the ones that survive the longest are the ones that never die.

    “Take this weapon and avenge me,” said the angel. “It is a sword made out of the ivory tooth of a silverback whale.”

    Grackhorn awoke with a thud! Was it a goblin who awoke his slumber? No, it was an orc!

    The beasts of Chilxozoloth are so enormous, even the giants of Westfalthorn look like Ortrantus fire ants.

    The children of Bant worship the Sun at different intervals. If the sun is highest, that means lunch, if it is in the west, that means it is time to get ready for sleep.

    He had been called many things in his lifetime. Gargantuan. Merciless. Unforgiving. But nobody ever called him what he secretly wished they would: Pookie.

    (^ Alfred)


    The only thing louder than fury is silence.

    “It would suck if that ate me.” – Bant Page

    In unlife, the only death to fear is resurrection.

    “If it bleeds, we should kill it.” – Esper Aeromancer

    A deviant in Bant; A Casanova in Grixis.

    There are no words… should have sent… a better writer…

    As the planes fused their primal energies, something something, here’s a huge monster.

    “Stray not from the house of the holy covenant lest you approach the bellhop to the gaping maw of the underbelly of the backbone of the brains of this evil operation.” – Riddle and/or Convocation of Aelaam

    Its favorite game as a child was hide and maim.

    The Sapro traders would sell their own mothers for half a squizz, if only they didn’t reproduce asexually via spore clouds.

    His is the deadliest touch of all: The touch of death.

    Few dared to stand before it. None were able to stand after it.

    Where dragons once hunted, now sphinxes held council. The average peasant still went through pretty much the same crap though.

    The air became fog, and then the fog became a tomb.

    “If lava doesn’t solve your problem, you didn’t bring enough lava.” – Krakko, Goblin relationship counselor

    The transplanted grixis bacteria quickly adapted to feed on etherium. Today over 12 million mages are infected. But by paying for artifacts marked with the blue sigil, you can do your part to help fight this disease.

    In Naya, if you are not swift, your death will be.

    “Esper mages tap like this:

    *pantomimed rigid, precise tapping*

    But grixis zombies tap like this:

    *pantomimed smooth, funky tapping*” – Jund Stand-Up

    Part Etherium, part chimera, all gladiator.

    The only constants in Grixis are undeath and untaxes.

    How do you stop a Rhox from charging? Take away its energy chamber.

    The life of a hellion is like its body: nasty, brutish, and impossibly long.

    It appeared to be a harmless plant, and it was.

    “In his house at R’lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming.” – Elvish expression meaning “Pick me up some pie while you’re out”

    Spovochs: I bet you can’t be eaten by just one.

    It cannot spell, only counterspell.

    Forced to decide between death and madness, he chose both.

    No one has ever correctly filled out its favorite marketing survey, “At what time is it most convenient for you to be eaten?”

    The only thing that lives on Naya is an incredibly diverse set of plants and animals.

    Its claws were like the BlendTec Total Blender; their bodies were like 4 oranges, 2 ounces of vanilla coffee creamer and 10 ice cubes.

    It could not feel pain. It could not feel remorse. It could only feel ~*love*~.

    There are no laws in Bant, but there is a complex code of honor and a plethora of mores that are functionally equivalent.

    Its coming heralded the end a vast empire which we forgot to mention existed before this flavor text.

    (^ Vandermonde)


    (These and many more flavor texts, by many more people, can be found here!)

  • Artifacts for Sale!

    Sharuumslist > Artifacts > Accessories


    (Dominia, south side)
    I want to get rid of this jeweled amulet.

    I thought it was going to be the next hot thing, but I kept forgetting which color of magic I was using to charge it up, and I got embarrassing mana burns all over my house.

    Free if you can come pick it up.


    (Alara, blue shard)
    This 100% authentic sigil will make you look your most distinguished!

    Bought it for 8 mana at the Mishra’s downtown, willing to part with it in exchange for one charge counter.

    Serious offers only. This thing is legit! There are many other sigils out there, but only one is made by Mishra’s.


    (Dominaria, Terisiare region)
    I found this thing floating outside in the street last week. I can’t figure out what it’s for, but every time I try to figure it out, one of my spellbooks comes flying out of my shelf and hits me in the head.

    Maybe it could be used to protect your house from attackers, but I have no enemies, so I don’t need it.

    Willing to trade for something useful, like a spellbook or a pair of glasses.


    (Mirrodin, Quicksilver Sea region)
    Check this thing out. If you open it, these glowing wires shoot out and fix your nearby broken stuff. The wires run out though, which means it’s a good thing I have a lot of these to offer!

    I’m trading them for any spare scrolls, styluses, or chairs you may have laying around (I need them for a golem I am building).


    (Rath, Furnace)
    Want to trade for this sled? It’s in perfect condition – bought it on an impulse and then never used it because I live on the inside of a volcano.

    The seat is extra high, so you’ll be able to stay vigilant while you coast around effortlessly in the abundant snow, as long as you live in a region where no one is stoking the fires of apocalypse.

    I’ll trade it for something worth 1 gold OBO.


    (Mirrodin, Oxidda Chain region)
    Anyone want this totem?

    I’ll trade it for anything.


    (Dominaria, Terisiare region)
    For sale: Dog exercise ball.

    Fun for a long game of fetch. I really need a sextant, so if you have one of those, I’ll trade you for it.


    (Dominia, west side)
    Does anyone know what this strange cube is supposed to be for? If you do, come pick it up for free. It keeps sprawing green spaghetti all over my laboratory.

    If you need lots of free green spaghetti, I’ll sell this to you for 2 gold coins.


    (Dominia, west side)
    Super SLAMMER for sale!

    If you have a Wizardling or small Archmage who plays Pogs, they will love this. It’s made from real iron, and has a cool design on it.

    Trade me a spell (only real spells please) and it’s yours. Your Wizardling will be winning all the local Pog tournaments in no time!


    (Dominia, central area)
    Someone please take this cup. It refuses to stay standing, instead preferring to lift itself up and pour milk all over my table.

    It’s free, just come and pick it up anytime.


    (Phyrexia)
    FOR SALE: 1 coiled piece of spring steel, 1 cog, 1 microphone, and 1 ring (hand not included).

    You have to take all of them at once because I don’t want the hassle of selling each by itself. So if you don’t want 1 coiled piece of spring steel, 1 cog, 1 microphone, and 1 ring (hand not included), then I am not interested in your offer.


    (Lorwyn)
    who wants a twig

    come and get it


    Copyright © 2009 Sharuumslist, inc.

  • Let’s Talk About Wizard Fashion

    Welcome to the Tolarian Academy! Today we’re going to talk about Wizards.

    Here’s a good example of early Wizard fashion. The hat and vest are prominent, though the hairstyle and beard are a very rudimentary “let it grow out” style.

    This old guy may look like a Sorcerer – but he’s actually an old-fashioned Wizard! Take special note of the beard. In the years after this style, you’ll see these protrusions move further up the sideburns until they rest atop the head of the average Wizard, growing all the while.

    The maroon hat was an old style that faded away into obscurity, as did most other types of Wizarding hats.

    One of the more distinctive early Tolarian Academy fashions, the chessboard shoulderpads are a highlight here in ash and crimson. Note the swept-out sides that are an evolution of the beard in our previous photo.

    This is a popular style of Wizard glasses. The frames used to be made from brass, but more discerning modern buyers like to purchase darksteel frames.

    An advancement in Wizard hairstyles, the shaved top and sculpted sides leave plenty of room for personalization – note that you can sweep the sides forward or out, and long sideburns fit in handsomly. Note the characteristic Tolarian Academy garb, including the ever-present chessboards.

    Popular amongst more adventurous wizards, this armor has a multitude of transluscent cylindrical appendages.

    Here is an example of a young Wizard who has Purelaced his hair. The elegant multi-colored robes bring to mind the five colors of magic. This is a popular style amongst Wizards because it implies that the wearer is adept at many types of magical spells.

    Young Wizardlings (also known as younglings) grow out long braids until they become a master Wizard. At that time they clone out the braid and color their hair gray. Check out the crazy boots and purple pants. What a rebel!

    This photo showcases two fashions. In the back is Urza, wearing the elevated hairstyle known as the “Windswept Heath”. Traditional Tolarian clothes are replaced by a more subdued cloak and vest, and armored pauldrons instead of shoulderpads. In the front is a Wizard displaying a chained-up style that you normally only see in specialized Wizard nightclubs.

    Yikes! This is a stripped-down take on traditional Tolarian dress. Chessboard shoulderpads are now mere straps, and the male wizard is replaced by a female one.

    Chessboard shoulderpads, mana-colored bookmarks, wiry glasses, and an unkempt moustache. Truly a look to be remembered!

    This is a style from just a couple years ago. How embarassing.

    When Tolarian Wizards are out in the field, they like to wear plain, quilted shoulder pads and brown cloaks. Prominent also are the battle goggles, which keep red spells out of the Wizard’s eyes.

    During this era of Wizarding, the colors blue and red were very popular. Wizards traditionally wear very heavy vests to protect themselves from experimental disasters, and this Wizard has even taken extra safety precautions by tying together the loose beard hairs.

    These students at the Tolarian Academy are wearing simpler versions of the traditional dress robes. They look like the plain brown robes of a travelling battle-wizard, because every class they take could be like a battle.

    Here also is a variation of the chessboard shoulderpad – this one has triangles instead of squares. How many triangles are there? You may be suprised to find out!

    This is an unusual Wizard, because he isn’t wearing any boots! What isn’t unusual is the blue vest with square patterns on the shoulders, the puffed-out blue trousers, the wild hair, and the leather abdominal armor.

    Let’s take a moment to analyze some Wizards from other schools.

    Oh ho ho! This mirthful robe and cowl are the hit of the party. Big, forked beards are an evolution of the swept-out, split hairstyle that was all the rage last cycle. Hot Wizard accessories this season are filigreed monocles, thick bracelets, and large red gemstones. Remember, the bigger the shoulder pads, the better!

    I think I’m turning Japanese! Arcane golden symbols, bamboo shoulders, and a contrasting red-and-blue kimono are striking in the warmer months.

    Big flowing robes, bigger flowing beards! Earthy colors and natural accessories like horns and ropes are simply smashing together.

    So what if you can’t grow a beard? Simply put your Wizarding supplies somewhere else! The ears, the nose, and around the neck are all delightful possibilities. This practical look is held together by the yellow and black robes.

    Now, let’s take a timely walk into the Post-Tolarian era of Wizard fashion.

    This early Post-Tolarian piece displays a reiteration of the golden era of large metal jewelry, multi-colored shoulder pads, and wispy hair. You can trace almost everything here to earlier fashions.

    The discovery of a multi-purpose knowledge draught and depilatory led to this eye-popping style. Without any hair to show, Wizards at that time attempted to cover up their baldness with hats.

    Since chin-hats didn’t exist until much later, a special type of eyepiece was designed to show beards at any place the wearer desires. Multiple lenses could fold down to choose between different styles and colors.

    “How tall can you make a hat?” A powerful question, and a powerful answer! This impressive item shows off a beautiful symmetry, offset by the intentional ragged look in the robes and pauldrons. Blue is the color of the day, with lush green and earthy yellow accents lending an excellent accenture to the outfit.

    A dressier version of the previous ensemble, more subdued colors allow the Wizard’s magical prowess to really shine. Rather than iron armor, this Wizard wears dramatic shoulder pads that connect to the base of the hat. This is a look that cannot be touched!

    This Wizard’s hat towers above all others, and the shoulderpads sprout more shoulderpads in a type of fractal transcendence.

    Contrasting parallel and perpendicular lines compete with gold trim to make this the one of the snappiest dressers on this side of the planes.

    We will end this article with perhaps one of the finest Wizards to ever don a Wizard hat. This throwback to classic headwear shows off an imposing blue and gold cone, with a companion cowl that reaches out in defiance of the very rules of gravity.

    Enchanting around the Wizard’s face is a team of wild, bushy eyebrows and sweeping moustachio. It’s so long you wonder why he needs puppet strings in the first place.

    Until next time…

    CLASS DISMISSED!

  • A Letter from Grizzly Bears

    Dearest Mother,

    I hope this letter reaches you. I have paid the messenger the last of my cigarettes and several other things I dare not mention, in the hopes that my words might find your eyes. I fear my own may never gaze into them again.

    What you suspected is true, and I am deeply sorry for doubting you — this camp is little more than a slaughterhouse. They have cast us into a pit, they battled us against each other for their amusement, and they have made it known that only half of those who remain will make it out alive.

    We are so young — each of us is only 15. We have done everything they asked of us. And I have seen them, one by one or in clusters, all the others, gone, dead, drifting to the earth like cherry blossoms. They bring in fresh meat all the time, and they churn through it at a terrifying rate — I’ve seen hundreds, thousands of faces come and go — mauled and twisted, pressed into servitude, and, finally, cast aside.

    A group of us had made a pact to hang together, to survive. The Evercore. We joked we would drink whiskey at the launch of 20th edition. Sixteen of us have made it this long, and we thought we were safe.

    But they have made their intentions clear mother. Nothing is safe here. Not Scathe Zombies. Not Regeneration. Not even your face.

    They shot Goblin King yesterday. They just dragged him — the King! — out in the street like a stray dog and put a bullet in the back of his head. They left him in the dirt with his crown over his broken nose to rot and be eaten by vermin. I’ve seen it many times, and I had even become used to it, but I feel a new dread. The dread I first felt when I saw Sedge Troll lying facedown in the mud. We had all joked about how he was invincible. When I saw him there, I thought, “This is my year — this is the year I go.”

    Life has been hard since then, but there was a natural rhythm to it. I am beaten and broken (well, not broken. I was never broken. I have seen others here broken — they’d always vanish shortly after — but not me.) by the other prisoners on a daily basis. Every year I’m further outclassed and humiliated. Every two years, I’m reprinted anyway. You know I am tough. You know, no matter how bad things get, I attack for two.

    The stories have helped, too. Telling all the little bears — so many bears, mother! — about when the King wore Gauntlets of Might, and he used to show us the calluses on his knuckles from it. He used to thump against the cinderblock wall of our cell and joke about playing the war drums, and I’d tell stories about Granite Gargoyle and Grey Ogre splitting up and crossing the Raging River, about the time we all climbed on the wall to dodge the Chaos Orb, or about the time Thicket Basilisk proved he was better than Cockatrice.

    They’re just stories now, and when I go, they will be lost. Just like all the other bears that came before me. I guess I should be grateful. Most of those other bears didn’t get reprinted once.

    I should feel glad of my long life, but I’m not. I wanted to be Evercore. I wanted these days, grim as they are, to last forever.

    People tell me to trust in God, but even that seems hopeless. They’ve pulled him out of bed now, and they’re trying to shove him in a van.

    You were always good to me. I am sorry I will never return to your hand again.

    Love,

    Grizzly Bears



    (Discuss this item in the forum!)

  • ExpertVillage.com Faces Accusations of Extortion

    The following letter was slid under the editor’s office door at the thirteenth hour before going to press. Our reporters have yet to determine its veracity, and honestly hope that the implications that it makes are not accurate portrayals of the parties involved.

    I don’t want to live like this anymore, but there is a gun to my head. You can call it a figurative gun if you’d like. That’s what they’d want you to think. All media men are starving hacks, key bashers, and drunks. You’ve been told that time and time again without the whole truth. We’re being held captive in a subterranean holding facility in… (text is incomprehensible).

    My family may already be dead, though I am reminded of their similar predicament by my captors on a daily basis, if you can truly judge a day’s length under the inexorable glare emitting from these dangling flood lights. Part of me hopes that they are dead. Each time I collapse with exhaustion on this bed of blackened keys and melted celluloid, I murmur out a prayer for their safety or possible release from this bleak world.

    What is left of my recollection of time tells me that somewhere near the end of the first decade of this godless millennium that the stock market crashed, jobs were excoriated from the market, tables folded up, and doors closed. Those of us that could afford it at the time jeered at left wing pundits who espoused Malthusian theories regarding our nation’s decline. The media at first fed upon this fear and used it rally the disenfranchised under their banner, but that only lasted so long, then they too fell under the economic pall.

    Unable to pay their current staff and unwilling to let go of their sway over public opinion, salaries were cut, promissory notes written to those who had less to lose, and notices made to falsely imply that company morale was never higher. I, myself, took a pay cut and put in extra hours for the cause. This lasted a couple of months until the promissory notes started, and finally I was sent a note in regard to contest that offered a wage bonus to the employee who could generate the most media content within a given amount of time.

    I stepped up to the plate. I delivered. Instead of being awarded justly for my efforts, I awoke the morning after my coronation to find my family missing and a stack of playing cards sitting on my night stand next to what I assumed at the time was a ransom note. The note informed me that my family was being held at the mercy of a party that only had its and my family’s best interest in mind, and that the pile of cards laying on the table must be reviewed, discussed, and editorialized as content for my company’s gaming video feed.

    That morning at the police station the authorities seemed skeptical of the note and went as far as to imply that I had no family in the first place. Frightened and dejected I went to my workplace to question my office manager. She said she knew nothing, asked me if I could stay to proofread a piece one of my coworkers had written, and offered me a cup of coffee. I snapped. What kind of incredulous corporation did I work for? She offered no argument, but frowned and made a phone call. In a few short moments man whose face I cannot quite recall glided into her office with a box of what looked like Kleenex. My supervisor offered the package to me in order to wipe the tears and mucus that was flowing down my face. I wiped my face and fell to the floor unconscious.

    I am beginning to understand how a society like ours can shrivel up with its own corruption when our own supposed impartial watchers, journalists, have been corralled into pens and forced to chronicle the trivialities of a welfare state’s hobbies for the unspeakable fiends that populate the financial, upper echelons of our nation. Juvenal warned the plebeians of Rome in the past about the danger of bread and circuses, but I struggle to imagine even a satiric mind such as his picture that same maxim evolving and mutilating one rung of society and climbing to the next, as if it were entitled to it.

    My name is Michael Lopez. I am an associate and captive of the Gaming Department, Video Subdivision of Expert Village. If someone still free and with a conscience sees this letter, please warn my fellow men of letters of my imprisonment and the inherent failure of our culture. I may not be able to go on much longer.

    – Michael Lopez

    February 27, 2009




    (Discuss this item in the forum!)