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  • Disappointing Turnout For March Of The Returned

    March of the Returned

    ASPHODEL — A planned demonstration against the recent increase in exploitation of zombies was branded “a shambles” this morning after only two demonstrators turned up to take part.

    The pair of masked protesters both stayed for forty-five minutes to wave placards, shouting “What do we want?” and “Who are we?”, but were described by onlookers as lifeless and lacking in spirit.

    “It was completely dead,” said Asphodel resident Gary. “I’ve got more devotion than either of them, and I’m nowhere near as active as I used to be.”

    Speaking off the record, leading black mage Timmy* said, “If they wanted more zombies, they should have come to me – I could have emptied the pits for them. Although that would only have provided token support.”

    Gary added, “This was a missed opportunity. At this rate, by September, everyone will have forgotten about Theros entirely.”

    *Name has been changed.

  • Magic Arcana: Announcing Nephilim in Commander 2015

    One of the most enjoyable parts of my job is getting to announce something that Magic players have spent a long time clamoring for. Today is one such day! On behalf of Wizards of the Coast, I am proud to give you the first peek at Commander 2015, in the form of…

    (drum roll, please)

    …a cycle of legendary Nephilim!

    As veteran players will know, the original Nephilim were a cycle of creatures printed in the first Ravnica block. Ever since the Commander format started, a significant number of players have been asking why the Nephilim weren’t legendary, and whether we could errata them so that they could be used as commanders.

    We don’t do that kind of errata these days, but we’re delighted to bring you all the next best thing (or we’re hoping, even better): a new full cycle. And I can guarantee that all five of these exciting new creatures will be legendary, so you will be able to use them as your commanders.

    Here’s the full list of new Nephilim, as well as a glimpse at the artwork and the names of the five awesome decks in Commander 2015 where you’ll be able to find them:



    Fuddle-Fan Nephilim – from Blazing Esteem (White)



    Fool-Pity Nephilim – from Elemental Roil (Blue)



    Mood-Sourer Nephilim – from Noxious Toxicity (Black)



    Ire-Fisher Nephilim – from Wrathful Bellow (Red)



    Clod-Bait Nephilim – from Primal Grunge (Green)



    Keep checking DailyMTG.com because we have more information on Commander 2015 coming soon!



  • Phyrexian Climate Summit, “More Oil!”

    The Progress Engine Convention Center, New Phyrexia – Yesterday Phyrexian leaders gathered again for a third straight day of climate talks. This year marks the eighth annual Climate Summit, a time for the leaders of the Phyrexian community to discuss the environmental issues that threaten them all. As it was the previous seven years, the question on everyone’s minds was “How can we spread more oil?”

    The summit began with the five praetors posing for photos in the Panopticon around the near-comatose body of Karn. Tensions were briefly raised when Urabrask accidentally brushed against Sheoldred’s breast, but Karn’s whimpering pleas for release quickly lightened the mood.

    Delegates from all sections of New Phyrexia have arrived to make their voices heard. The air is electric, with swarms of flying flesh robot alien things filling the skies and maybe-a-human clerics and wizards trading information and ideas on the Convention Center floor. I spoke with a nameless, faceless horror who was attending with its grassroots organization New Phyrexians for a New Phyrexia, “Its such a positive experience to be here with all these hard working… robots? Zombies?” A broodmother of thousands, and recent nursing school graduate, the abomination still finds time for community engagement, a running theme this year. “Of course we all want more oil. But there are so many approaches we could take to meeting that goal. Everyone says that the plane is going down the tubes but then you come to a place like this and, well, its just goes to show that civil discourse and small-town values are still the heart of New Phyrexia. I’m excited to see what the convention brings.”

    The attendees are as diverse in their goals as they are in monstrous body-types. Just a sampling of some of the issues on the table are: hitting nine poison counters by 2030, unbanning Blazing Shoal, rying to find a use for Mycosynth Fiend, and what’s the deal with Snake Cult Initiation? Veteran climate champion Phyrexian Rager noted the role that paying life was playing this year, “Back in 2001 with Gix, the only thing you could spend life on was drawing a card. One card! And you didn’t even have a choice. You tell these kids that and its unthinkable. They spend life on panthers and counter magic. You ask these people who Gerrard is and they don’t even know. He’s kind of a big deal.”

    The Praetors themselves are removed from the main frenzy, having private talks deep in the fleshvats of the Convention Center. I was briefly able to speak to Vorinclex’s chief aid Glissa the Traitor, “Our goal is to increase oil emissions 10% by 2021, but what this conference is really about is our children. What values do we instill in them? So much of our society is focused around consumption we often forget to propagate or let the strongest emerge as dominant. Democracy is messy. That’s why we have oligarchs.”

    Of course not everyone is feeling the community spirit. A small group of leonin and humans gathered outside the Panopticon doors this morning carrying a giant paper mache puppet of a morbidly obese Elesh Norn smoking a cigar as well as carrying signs reading “Free Karn” and “Sunburst power is the only way.” Slowly, as a group they began chanting, “Your complaetion’s made you blind, its not too late to change your mind!” Though the group itself was absent from the Convention, I found its elected representative Jor Kadeen slumped in a hallway, eating a Cup-of-Noodles, “Our demand is the same as it is every year. Reprint Leeches. Then we can start a dialogue.”

    Φ

  • Did It Have To Be Dragons, Ask Tarkirians

    dragonsoftarkir

    Tarkir residents said today that while they appreciate Sarkhan Vol going back in time to retrieve a race of creatures that had been missing from their world, they aren’t certain that dragons were the best choice.

    “Is he mad?” asked Temur representative Kurrash The Ferocious. “I know he meant well but these things have been nothing but trouble. The skies are full of the things, flying around breathing fire, ice, poison, you name it. I was happier when it was just that one lammasu.”

    “It’s true that we used to revere dragons, yes. But that was when they’d been dead for a thousand years. Some people in other worlds revere Mahatma Gandhi, I’m told, but they wouldn’t necessarily want him moving in next door, or taking to the skies to rain fiery destruction on the bivouacs of ordinary people.”

    Abzan’s Fazenaza The Brooding agreed. “I don’t see why the lack of dragons on Tarkir was such a big deal, personally. Why couldn’t that awful man have brought back some elves instead, or kithkin? Or how about metathrans? We haven’t heard much about them for a while, so they would have been a good way to bolster the population.”

    “Yeah that’s right, bolster,” she continued. “It’s a perfectly good word that is in common usage. It certainly doesn’t sound clunky to me.”

    Vol himself was unrepentant. “My focus groups have told me time and again that dragons are the most popular type of creature bar none,” he said. “Anyway, the threat to ordinary Tarkirians has been overstated. Many of these new ones are overcosted Timmy-bait that will never see constructed play.”

  • “Where Did All the Mist and Rain Go?” asks Borko the Bear


    Man, I used to love living here. The mist wafting through the trees, tropical rain pattering on the wide leaves of hardwood trees and washing away that early morning humidity. Piranhas at play in the abundant streams and brightly-colored frogs croaking in the short hours of twilight.

    Then this freaky mermaid-looking wizard turned up and ruined it.

    She muttered some sort of spell and then grimaced as though she was in pain – I’d say about as much pain as if you were stung by a hornet. Then everything turned sideways and the next thing I know, I’m just in a regular forest. No mist, no rain, and the trees are all oaks, pines and suchlike. I’m not meeting anyone except wolves, boars and elf after elf after elf – what happened to all the fish crabs?

    Not only that, I keep seeing cat warriors and boggart loggers tramping through here like they’re on their way to beat somebody up, and no one can seem to stop them.

    I think I’m going to move to those nice wooded foothills I’ve been hearing about.



  • Which Iconic Magic Character are You?

    Which Iconic Magic Character are You?

    • What is your ideal Friday night?

    • Pulling off a daring heist

    • A few friends and a roaring bonfire

    • Reorganizing my library

    • Maybe I’d go out running around, but realistically having a nice sleep.

    • Destroying my enemies!

    • What do you look for in a romantic partner?

    • A partner in crime

    • Someone who isn’t afraid to get burned

    • Someone willing to give me lots of space for my work

    • Someone who doesn’t mind getting hair all over her clothes

    • He should be good at digging graves – maybe even his own!

    • How would your friends describe you?

    • A lot of fun, but keep your artifacts away from him!

    • A little sexy, a lttle crazy, a lttle constantly setting us on fire.

    • A bit of a workaholic.

    • Loyal to a fault, but when vengeful, watch out!

    • Friends?

    • Describe your bedroom.

    • There’s so much pilfered loot I hardly have a place to sleep!

    • A bit of a maze, really.

    • Filled with old scrolls and books. Some say it’s messy, but I have a system!

    • Tidy, with a well-used scratching post

    • Filled with candles, occult tomes, and the screams of the damned

    • You find yourself summoned to a battlefield. What do you do?

    • Loot, baby, loot.

    • Find something vulnerable and light it up.

    • Hang back, and pitch in where needed.

    • Find something important on the enemy side and keep it occupied for as long as I can.

    • Enjoy myself immensely.

    • Your result is:


  • Behold, I Know Four Of The New Dragons Already

    (TRANSCRIPT RECORDED AT SURRAK’S BIVOUAC, THE TEMUR FRONTIER)



    Puny weaklings, come and gape in awe at the latest triumph of your highest superior, Surrak Dragonclaw! I, Surrak, insulter of the Sultai, wearer of bears, present my greatest feat yet: I can already name no fewer than four of the new dragons. The gold ones! Now listen, obey and be attentive.

    First, Atarkar.



    Atarkar is the Temur one so it was the obvious one to learn first, plus it breathes fire like a normal dragon. The only thing is it lacks blue, which of course is totes vital to the Temur identity, but still, love the antlers.

    Next: Kolaghan.



    This one was quite easy because it sounds like Callaghan, a Labour prime minister, and Kolaghan is red. There’s black in there too but that must just be to fit the cycle – or is it because of the high toughness? Did that catch on as a black thing? He breathes lightning. ZAP!

    Underling, more meat!

    Yum. Now this is where it starts to get tricky. I’m gonna go with Ojutai, Soul of Winter.



    Behold, I even know some of the nickname bits! Bite that, Sidisi. No, she’s not here. Ojutai is revered by the Jeskai, and she (?) lives on mountains and terrorises the… Jeskai? Is that right? So she must breathe… rocks or something. I do know she has feathers. But she’s still a dragon, it’s one of those things like whales not being a fish. Whatever, next.

    …

    Quake with amazement as I bring you…

    Darig… no, Dromar… Drom-something…



    Now I do know that this one breathes light. I remember one of them did because I thought it sounded silly when I heard it. And it can’t be the other black one, that would breathe, like, darkness, right? Or tar, maybe. Or bats. So this must be the beam-of-light one. Drom-something, Finder Of Lost Keys. Har har har.

    Har.

    …

    And it has one of these jumped-up titles like “the avenger” or something. Dromongar the Harvester, we’ll call it. So that’s four. It breathes light and it has a big pointy chin.

    Now begone! Return hither on Friday when I will have the fifth one down for definite. I think it has a mill effect.

    I do so still exist



  • Arcane Lighthouse

    Arcane_Lighthouse

  • News: Wizards Changes Block Size and Standard Schedule

    REDMOND, WA — Wizards of the Coast rocked the world of Magic: The Gathering today when they announced an intimidating new release schedule for new sets, as well as a new schedule for Standard rotations.

    First, blocks will now be composed of 2 sets apiece. Maro Rosewater explains:

    “Well, thus far, the modus operandi has been:

    • 1st set: Introduce the world.
    • 2nd set: Hint at an impending apocalypse.
    • 3rd set: Blow the world up.

    The problem is that this put our designers in a box.

    One of the common complaints we’d hear about ‘2nd sets’ from players was, ‘Gimme my blow-ups!’


    Before, with 3 sets, addressing those complaints wasn’t feasible. But with 2 sets, we can now do the following over and over again:

    • 1st set: Introduce the world.
    • 2nd set: Blow the world up.”

    Second, Standard will now rotate such that it contains no more than 3 blocks at all times, and without any core sets whatsoever.

    Maro Rosewater explains:

    “core sets = revenue down = frown town”

    Finally, a new set will be introduced every single day.

    Maro Rosewater explains:

    “Over many years, we’ve been carefully moving the game further and further away from mechanics-based storytelling and deep flavor, under the auspices of ‘gameplay first.’ In reality, we were migrating toward a nexus point at which a simple piece of software could pump these things out constantly.


    My job, and that of my fellow designers and developers, has now been relegated to a team effort of feeding that software computer bits, making sure it does not become hostile to humans, and scooping its litter box.”

    Finally, Wizard of the Coast built state-of-the-art animated GIFs to explain the new paradigm shift and somehow included them in its press release:



    For ages we’ve struggled with the question, “Where the dragons at?”


    It appears we now have our answer: “Every. Damn. Day.”



  • Pro MTG Online #256

    Pro MTG Online #256