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Renton, WA. — The impromptu diffusion late Friday of a possible new card has shocked Magic: the Gathering fans and players around the globe, as the news spread like the plague across the internet. The card, depicting a young Adonis, is apparently the first of many, and is part of a bold marketing strategy by local hobby manufacturer Wizards of the Coast to bring more women — and social recognition — to the game. Facing this avalanche of discontentment, Wizards decided to set the records straight with its fans.
“It is a well-known fact that most Magic players are male,” said Wizards representative Mark Rosewater with an awkward smile. “Generic, unkempt males. I mean, you attend any of our Pro Tour tournament, and it’s pretty clear that Sausage Fest is the best way to describe it. And it’s not the fresh, just out-of-the-butcher’s-shop kind of deli we all chew on with a smile, if you know what I mean. Nor do you have the bucket of stale, foreign ale to wash it down, like you would during Oktoberfest.”
Yet for years, Wizards of the Coast was fine with that.
“But that was before Justin Bieber,” a more somber Rosewater added. “Our pro players realized they wanted not just the blue envelope (money prizes awarded to the best players), but also the fame that came with it. Suddenly, they wanted to live like rock stars. Live fast, die young. Sex, Drugs and Magic: the Gathering. The usual. Suddenly, Baneslayer Angels and Primeval Titans just weren’t enough to keep them happy.”
“We could no longer ignore our players’ requests,” Rosewater rambled on. “They wanted swarms of more than relentless rats. They wanted scores of wailing young banshees with breasts bouncing all over the battlef… errr, place. The way we had been doing things, we just couldn’t provide them with that.
“We reasoned that if we could bring more girls into the Magic bandwagon, we would have more female fans going out of their minds as our pro players stepped to the finals table. It’s a decision we did not make lightly, but we felt it was necessary. Again, all the better to please our mostly-male customers.”
In an attempt to increase the female demographic playing Magic and attending sanctioned events, Wizards of the Coast announced today that their Fat Packs (introductory products) will no longer contain printed 18 X 11 toilet paper, but will instead come loaded with a complimentary bar of soap. The very first such bar of soap will feature an exclusive Jace, Mind Boggler engraving by Chimp Jackman.
“Not to spoil the surprise, but there will be bars of soap rarer than others. There’s even plans for a mythic rare bar of soap late in 2013,” Rosewater added, “If the idea picks up.”
“It’s going to feel pretty special to wash your armpits with Jace,” admitted the Wizards representative, “We at Wizards Headquarters have had the chance to use those Jace soaps for a few weeks already, and you better believe they are astounding. We all smell pretty darn fresh. Our hopes is that our Pro Tour players will do the same, and that entering that community center will feel more like entering a florist’s shop than opening the garbage can under an unrelenting summer sun. That, we believe, is the first step towards bringing the girls to the game,” Febreze-scented Rosewater added, visibly content.
The second step, it would appear, involves the leaked card and others of its ilk. Shirtless Werewolf, the card that caused all the commotion when it was leaked late last Friday, is proposed as an alternative to commonplace bikinimail-clad female characters in current fantasy art.
“With the departure of Rebecca Guay from our list of regular artists, we needed a way to make the girls look at our cards and say: Hey! This game is pretty cool!” second Wizards representative Aaron Forsythe touted. “If the girls like the art, the girls will play the game. It’s as simple as that. And most girls are not impressed by huge dragons gobbling skittle-sized humans, or even planeswalkers with huge breasts torching the whole world in a fit of fury. They are harder to please.”
“But I’ve known the way for years,” he added with a grin, before lifting his shirt and revealing a flat, perfectly defined muscular abdomen. “Been working on it myself between drafts and shits.”
“And I mean that last part in the literal sense,” he concluded, smugly.
So far, however, the players themselves seemed more alarmed than pleased about the soon-to-be abundance of hunks on their cards.
“I don’t want to tap this shirtless creature,” said one homophobic player who didn’t want to be identified. “I mean, it’s so gay. He’s supposed to be a werewolf, but where’s the hair, you know?”
“I’m quitting the game as soon as those cards are tournament-legal,” said another player, before sticking up a dime-sized booger underneath the table and scrubbing the remains off of his black ChannelFireball t-shirt, where it left a faintly glossy mark.
“We’ll simply make the cards better. We can do it. We have the technology,” said Rosewater, after being confronted with what those players and others had said earlier. “We’ve done absurd cards before. We’ll do it again until touching [the hunk cards] feels natural. On the plus side, you can expect a lot more boobs flashing during sanctioned events,” added Rosewater with a slightly pervy smile. “And not just from the guy with the fat breasts who’s been eating KFC all weekend-long”.
Shirtless Werewolf and its brethren will be available in a little more than twelve months, when Phyrexia Rising hits stores across North America. Until then, players will be able to pick up the very first “hunk card” at FNM events throughout the month of November, as a foil, alternate-art Ancient Ooze card.
“I used to be enchanted with an aura that made me feel like I was being stalked by an elephant at all times. It was really disturbing. But thankfully, Miracle Worker solved my problem. Thank you, Miracle Worker!”
“Oh yes, Miracle Worker has helped me greatly. I used to be like, completely covered with tattoos. They didn’t itch or hurt or anything, but can you imagine being covered with tattoos at all times? Miracle Worker saved my life. Thank you, Miracle Worker!”
“I was diagnosed with terminal parallax dementia. Miracle Worker said there was nothing he could do. He told me I only had one turn to live and that I should — What is this? What are you doing? I told you to interview the HEALTHY patients! Turn that thing off, shut that —“
“I remember I once found and put on an armadillo cloak, but then I couldn’t get it off! The wooden zipper was really tricky, you see. But Miracle Worker unzipped it like it was nothing. Miracle Worker, you’re the best!”
D VIPS i only had enuf money for 6 letters
Open Letter to Planeswalker
