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Blog
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Exclusive ROE Spoiler Hunt
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Which Team are you on?
As any young girl across our great plane will tell you, the Eldrazi invasion is the most exciting thing to hit Zendikar in millenia. Lately though, a rift has formed between their fans, much like the rift between dimensions that allowed the Old Ones to slip their sorcerous bonds. That’s right, as the coming apocalypse draws ever-nearer, Eldraziacs have become fiercely divided on the most important question it poses: Which elder god is the dreamiest? In this special report, we hear from people on both sides of the issue.
Jenny, Team Ulamog
Ulamog is totally the cutest. Some people say he just wants to eliminate all life, but they don’t understand him like I do. When I look deep into his skull-helmet and see the pain there, I know we belong together. He’s always thought emanating to me about how ripe my corpse would be, and how much he wants to feed it to his unholy brood. The fact that he hasn’t acted on that urge proves how deeply he loves me. I just want him to hold me in his strong, bifurcated arms and make me feel safe. Plus he almost never covers up that yummy ribcage of his with a shirt, or flesh.
Sally, Team Emrakul
Please, if anyone is going to reduce the entire multiverse to ash, it’s going to be my wubasaurus Emrakul. Soon he’ll come to scour Zendikar of the haters and wannabes. Those other girls just want him for his body, but I see through to his giant, crystalline, pulsating heart – and not just because it’s partially exposed. Once he realizes that I’m the only one for him, we can live together in the magical city in the clouds that makes up the top half of his body. And once I legally reside on him, nobody will be able to separate us, not even my jerk dad, no matter how angry our relationship makes him.
Of course not everyone is so smitten with our new overlords. Some old fashioned types are uncomfortable with the age difference between these teenagers and the undying objects of their affection from before the dawn of time. Others still think any relationship is doomed to fail based on their incompatible views on the annilation of the cosmos. And finally, a few wise men such as myself realize that Kozilek is by far the most adorable. I mean, have you seen his head-nub? It is to die for.
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April Fool’s Day at Good Gamery
By doing nothing.
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All is Dust
Looking at this Bloodbraid Elf in my summoning book, I can’t help but wonder, “What’s the point?” Even if by some miracle it doesn’t get countered, I’m just going to end up sacrificing it like I sacrificed the last 5 creatures unfortunate enough to enter my service. I suppose there’s always the cascaded spell, but it will probably be another Borderland Ranger. I just know I’ll have to sacrifice him too.
At least I’ll get a land out of it. But is more mana really what I need? I used to think so, back on turn 1; I was so naïve then. First it was 2 land, then 4, then I thought if I just got to ultimatum mana I’d be satisfied. Now here I am with 10 untapped lands, and I’m still miserable.
Sure they might not die immediately. Maybe they’ll even get to deal some damage. Is that what I’ve come to – hurting others to feel better about myself? Being a planeswalker was supposed to be the rarest and most wonderful of gifts. And how am I using that gift? I’m lashing out at people whose only crime is reminding me of myself.
Well I’ve had enough. I’m going to leave this rat race behind and turn my life around. I think I’ll planeswalk to somewhere peaceful. Maybe a nice beach that doesn’t serve as a spawning bed for krakens, or a forest with regular-sized wildlife with non-magical claws. Yeah, somewhere I can relax, drink some briarberry juice, and enjoy a nice book. I’ve always wanted to finish The Necrologia.
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Memnarch to Face Trade Descriptions Lawsuit
GALDROON PALACE, MIRRODIN – Eccentric artificer Memnarch is due to appear in interplanar court after a number of Zendikari mages lodged complaints that they had been mislead regarding a new spell. The dispute appears to have arisen over Memnarch’s attempts to corner the leveling-up market.
“I’d heard about powerleveling from a friend of a friend,” one lighthouse chronologist told GoodGamery.com. “I’m sure I don’t have to tell you how difficult it is getting up to level seven on a plane like Zendikar, so I thought I’d try one out – not that they came cheap, mind you.”
“[It] looked like a Juggernaut to me.”
says one victim.But this curious wizard was in for a nasty surprise. “When I cast the spell, this thing – looked like a Juggernaut to me, but I didn’t get a good look at it – just shows up and eats my entire lighthouse. It was the lighthouse that my father guarded, and his father before him, and now I can’t even Recall it back!”
Over in Guul Draz, a young assassin was having similar problems. “I’d just learned to Disfigure, and I having a kind of a party to celebrate. My friends said they’d picked up this spell that would allow them to Death Pulse, and, you know – I didn’t know if it was safe, but I didn’t want to look like a pussy. So they used this spell, and – the entire house is gone. My parents are gonna kill me.”
Flyers have been put up around the Cliffhaven area warning knights against using spells that may have come from Mirrodin, and a new magic security awareness program has been introduced in schools. “Times are dangerous enough as it is without these unreliable spells going off,” said a pair of local Kor Sanctifiers. “Whoever is selling this stuff ought to be ashamed.”
The ‘powerlevel’ magic has been linked back to Memnarch, the controversial Mirrodin Premier. A spokesmyr for the Panopticon had this to say: “The spells that were sold to fleshy Zendikari mages were exactly as described. Any miscommunication that may have occured was not the fault of the immaculate Watcher.”
Memnarch will appear at the Tower of the Magistrate next week before a Soulsworn Jury, but he is expected to pay W to return the Conviction to its owner’s hand.
