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  • Prospective Student Considers FSU, Reconsiders

    When Internet user Gam3r91 read the web advertisement for Full Sail University’s (FSU, not to be confused with Florida State University) Game Development Degree Program, he was at first excited. The advertisement suggested that Gam3r91 turn his passion for gaming into a career.

    “Unlike most people, I have a real passion for gaming,” Gam3r91 said. “It would be great if I could take this unique passion for gaming of mine and channel it into a career.”

    Gam3r91 was intrigued by the name of the university as well.

    “I like the idea of a ‘full sail,’ the wind at my back, fate itself propelling me toward turning my passion for gaming into a career,” he explained.

    Things took a turn for the worse, however, when he saw the figures on the advertisement: Two large, poorly-dressed, poorly-maintained dorks playing video games on a couch. Their heads were digitally modified to look like they were made of voxels.

    “Even though their heads were voxelized, I could tell what they looked like I.R.L.,” Gam3r91 said. “And I didn’t like what I saw.”

    Gam3r91 went on to explain how these two men look exactly like people he would never, ever want to associate with. “They look like terrible, terrible people to be around,” he said. He proceeded to point out their unkempt hair, caveman-like eyebrows, hunched stature, and aggressive demeanor.

    “Why would I want to go to this school when I know these neanderthals are going to be there as well?” Gam3r91 said. “I’m not even sure I have a passion for gaming anymore.”

    Full Sail University is located in Winter Park, FL. The advertisement implies that FSU teaches game development exclusively for the Bananazone Pro game console.

  • Meddling Mages Interrupt Town Hall Meetings

    Town hall referrendums over the proposed damage prevention and regeneration reforms have recently come to the forefront of Dominarian attention due to the increasingly rowdy nature of the meetings. Damage prevention and regeneration have been hotly contested issues ever since Planeswalker Obakresh the Defiler has decreed that he would now be in control of what creatures recieve damage prevention and when. “NOW IT IS I, OBAKRESH THE DEFILER WHO CONTROLS ALL MEANS OF DAMAGE PREVENTION AND REGENERATION,” boomed Obakresh in his patented million-tongue scream. “OBAKRESH CONTROL WHEN MEDICS TAP, OBAKRESH CONTROL WHAT DAMAGE THEY PREVENT.”

    “MUHUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” he added.

    Obakresh’s plan of placating the masses by allowing them the pittance of talking amongst themselves, however, is being foiled by a very vocal group of mages. “Our plan is to chant so loudly that nobody can get a spell in edgewise,” claimed one of the meddling mages. “Unfortunately, this violent wasteland is an indictment of its people. These cowards lack the will to oppose disorder.”

    The mages have been drawing some strong grassroots support. “Listen, I regenerate myself,” said outspoken critic Drudge Skeletons. “I don’t need anybody telling me how and when I need to use my regeneration. I hear people saying ‘Oh, he’s dead anyway, what does he need regeneration for’ or ‘that mana could be used for something else’. Well you know what, that’s MY MANA. We all know where this mana is going anyway, and it has nothing to do with damage prevention, it’s going to those damn Illusions of Grandeur payments that are keeping Obakresh alive.”

    Supporters of Obakresh are quick to mention that damage prevention has frequently been misused in Dominaria. “I’ve seen a battlefield medic preventing damage to an Illusionary Servant who was about to be squashed by a Craw Wurm. Everyone knows you can’t heal fog, for heaven’s sake! The medic took one look at the darn thing and it evaporated,” said Enseloth, an Elvish farmer. “I trust Planeswalker Obakresh to make better decisions when it comes to damage prevention,” he added before being sacrificed to a Caregiver to prevent damage to a Darksteel Gargoyle.

    One of the more controversial issues surrounding the damage prevention and regeneration is the Death Watch provision, which allows Planeswalker Obakresh to terminate the life of a creature at any time and gain life equal to their toughness. “CREATURES OF DOMINARIA. OBAKRESH WILL NOT DEVOUR YOUR SOUL UNLESS YOU ARE ALREADY ABOUT TO DIE. THIS OBAKRESH PROMISE,” the Planeswalker’s mighty voice echoed throughout the realm. “MAYBE IF YOU ALMOST ABOUT TO DIE, LIKE IF FIREBALL WERE ALMOST BE HITTING YOU, MAYBE THEN OBAKRESH DEVOUR SOUL FIRST BEFORE IT GET BURNED AND UNEATABLE.”

  • GGI: The Mother****ing Flash

    Warning: This article contains language.

    Welcome to this, the first episode of GGI: Good Gamery Investigation. Today we are going to reveal who wrote “The Motherfucking Flash” (or “TMFF”), an essay/rant that has gone viral throughout the Internet, but whose true author credit was lost in mystery and shadow.

    There have been many theories proposed by Internet users throughout the world.

    • Internet user “dtomko12345” posted TMFF numerous times on bix.yahoo.com. Could he or she be the true author?
    • Internet user “Anonymous Coward” posted TMFF on Slashdot, and many have attributed the essay to him or her. Is this attribution valid?
    • Internet user “Ranger” posted TMFF and said it originally came from a “BSS Something Awful Thread.” Is this article, in fact, of SA origin?

    As many know, GoodGamery.com (“GG”) was one of the offshoot sites of the community formerly at MiseTings.com (“MT”), the original Magic humor site. One prolific MT forum member was named Taeme. He was born in Milton, Ontario, and when he consumed wheat products, he would flip out mentally due to a peculiar allergy.

    Taeme posted many rants and essays, and had a unique, in-your-face, and hilarious writing style. Observe:

    Oh, and one more I might mention.

    It’s the original posting of “The Motherfucking Flash,” posted on MiseTings.com on January 2, 2005 — right here. He later posted a copy on SA.

    Case closed; Internet fixed.

  • Go Stag™ with Great Sable Stag

    Are you disappointed with your life? Wondering where things went wrong? Never getting what you want while everybody else you know has great jobs, perfect hair, nice houses, and beautiful families that love them? That’s what I was like before I got off my butt, decided to make something of myself, and recognized the power — and the elegant, natural majesty — of Great Sable Stag.

    Now, I know what you’re asking. “Gregory,” you’re asking, “sure, Great Sable Stag has gracefully arched horns and firm, brown muscular flanks, and sure, it has a snow white belly as soft as the morning sunshine, but I have real problems. I have a mortgage. I have kids. I’m dyslexic. What can Great Sable Stag do for me?”

    Let me tell you: Plenty. Going Stag™ can make the difference between being just another nobody who owes Blockbuster $15 and having the lifestyle you’ve always known you deserved, but never knew how to get, let alone sustain over any length of time without going into crippling debt.

    (pictures of champagne, yachts, beautiful women, etc.)

    First of all, and I love this, Great Sable Stag is a magical deer from the deep, primeval forests of fantasy. That’s something we can all use. Am I right?

    ‘Yeah!!’

    Second, it’s resonant.

    Third, it wrecks faeries. Totally and completely. Faeries isn’t in the room. Faeries just took up badminton and moved thousands of miles away to pursue it professionally. Faeries might as well have never been born. It’s one card that can beat an entire deck — and not just any deck, the best, most powerful, most unfair and unfun deck ever made, played by the worst human beings who ever existed!

    ‘Boooo!!!!’

    That is literally months of worry that you won’t have to endure between now and the next rotation.

    Tell me the truth, half of you would still run that if it cost twice as much!

    (audience laughs, applauds)

    But the really impressive thing is the way Great Sable Stag makes you FEEL. Am I right!?

    (audience cheers!)

    We’re not just talking confidence, we’re talking Great Sable Confidence. The confidence to run out there on turn three and start beating down with your soft nose and magically long tail. The confidence to start a small business, learn a new language, or finally take things to the next level with that cute babysitter with the lip piercing. Am I right, fellas?

    (audience laughs)

    But that’s only the beginning. Just listen to these testimonials:

    “I haven’t been able to make love to my wife, despite years of therapy and drugs. But when I saw Great Sable Stag in my opening seven, I get excited. REALLY excited. Now I just make sure to draw it every twenty minutes or so, and it’s like I’m a teenager again!”
    — Richard Franks, age 42

    “When I know a man is packing a Great Sable Stag, it gets me all hot and bothered. His body just takes control. There’s no way I can counter it.”
    — Mandy (name withheld), Age 22

    “I like to hug Great Stable Stag when my dad comes home from drinking. It makes me think I also have protection from black and blue.”
    — Tyler Hudson, age 9

    “Double block with Mutavaults.”
    XXXxxxxx



    At this point, you may be asking yourself, “Gregory has a good point, but how much does he expect me to pay for all this?”

    Would you believe me if I said 3WUBRG?

    2WUBRG?

    BBRG?

    BRRR?

    BRGBRRWUUBRG?

    Well, today, right now, you can start your journey to victory and self-love for the low low price of 1GG.

    That’s right; for less than the cost of a Brooding Saurian, you can beat the best deck in the format, impress your friends, admire the shapely shoulders and thick, luxuriant fur of an untamed, wild, pure-spirited wild animal of the Wyld — AND find the self-esteem and courage to pursue your dreams, leaving your life of mediocrity in the graveyard.

    BUT THAT’S NOT ALL!

    Act now, and you get the full set of Great Sable Accessories:

    You get the Oakenform


    The Lifelink


    The Firebreathing


    The Other Oakenform


    AND the Jump

    For just three easy payments of 4GG, WR, and U.

    That’s a six-for-one! It doesn’t get sweeter than that!

    But you’ll know how sweet it is — the first time you hold up the ineffable and incorruptible Great Sable Stag. I know I did, and my life has never been the same.

    Go Stag™ with Great Sable Stag and never be effed or corrupted again.

    (Results may vary. Not available against Kithkin.)


  • Pro MTG Online #227

    Pro MTG Online #227

  • Magical Cards Facebook Feed 2

    Bog Wraith suck it Scathe Zombies!

    July 10, 2009
    Aaron Forsythe is extremely happy with the “flavor reboot” in M10. For the first time we are presenting a compelling, cohesive, and completely intuitive fantasy world to new players.

    July 8, 2009
    Howling Mine
    I totally agree. Now that you’ve gotten rid of all the cards whose flavor made no sense, you won’t have to look for such cards ever again. Well done!
    Amnesia posted his Top 5 New M10 Cards

    June 30, 2009

    Kelinore Bats, Runeclaw Bears, Essence Scatter, Act of Treason, and Divination.

    Kaboom! Billy Mays: REST IN PEACE

    June 28, 2009
    Lifelink joined the group Cards named after abilities.

    June 27, 2009
    Fear
    Why can’t I join this group?
    Vigilance
    you’re looking for “abilities named after cards”, grandma

    Kjeldoran Knight is looking for another knight to band with. Let me know if you know anyone.

    June 26, 2009
    White Knight
    Sorry man, I’m kind of busy. I just got reprinted you know.
    Black Knight
    Will any knight do?
    Kjeldoran Knight
    Yeah any knight at all.
    Black Knight
    So you’re saying… it don’t matter if I’m black or white?
    Squire
    too soon :(
    Overrun can somebody make some damn tokens over here?

    June 26, 2009
    Elvish Archdruid
    Sorry, I only make mana!
    Llanowar Elves
    It’s ok, nobody’s perfect.

    Savannah Lions is friends with Captain of the Watch.

    June 25, 2009
    Serra Angel
    honestly man, you’re embarassing yourself
    Savannah Lions changed his profile picture.

    June 25, 2009

    Savannah Lions
    sup guys :)
    Serra Angel
    this is just sad
    Air Elemental
    you didn’t make it, give it up
    Magma Spray is looking for Kitchen Finks. Anyone know where I could find them?

    June 25, 2009
    Harm’s Way
    Sorry man, no idea. But you know what? I think it would be way more interesting to go find Figure of Destiny.
    Magma Spray
    Sweet, thanks for your help!
    Lightning Bolt thinks he nailed that job interview :)

    June 16, 2009
    Nantuko Husk While it used to require a trained professional to deal combat damage, that’s no longer the case: Modern combat damage is as easy as 1, 2, 3, literally.

    June 12, 2009
    Nantuko Husk
    Grab the book nearest you. Right now.
    *Turn to page 56 and find the FIFTH sentence.
    *Post that sentence AS YOUR STATUS.
    *Post these instructions in a comment to this status.
    *Use the CLOSEST book. Don’t dig for your favorite book, the coolest, the most intellectual. Use the CLOSEST book.
    Mogg Fanatic
    What a weird coincidence, I’m reading Combat Damage for Dummies too.
    Pulse of the Forge left the group Cards you can pretend are in your deck when you accidentally take mana burn

    June 11, 2009
    Braid of Fire
    Oh cheer up! Maybe we can work together ;)
    Wizards of the Coast posted a note: M10 Rules Changes.

    June 10, 2009
    We have instituted some exciting new changes to the way Magic works! Read all about them here:
    http://www.wizards.com/magic/magazine/article.aspx?x=mtg/daily/feature/46a
    Wall of Denial
    I’m pretty sure this is just a late April Fool’s joke
    Anger
    What the FUCK. I’m quitting Magic forever.
    Yawgmoth’s Bargain
    I’ve got a better idea for how you can fix Deathtouch.
    Despondency
    im going to kill myself
    Acceptable Losses
    In six months we probably won’t even remember playing with the old rules.
    Wizards of the Coast tagged Ball Lightning in a photo.

    June 10, 2009

    Ball Lightning
    what the hell
    Ball Lightning
    man, i look awful there. i don’t remember this picture at all.
    Glacial Fortress joined the group Chase Rare Lands that could have easily been Uncommon.

    June 9, 2009
    Secluded Glen
    Hi and welcome to the steadiest-growing group on Facebook!
    Yann Massicard changed his profile picture.

    May 30 2009

    Yann Massicard is feeling lucky :)

    May 30 2009
  • Ryusei, the Falling Star

    ryusei-the-falling-star

    Oracle Rulings

    10/4/2004: It must flip like a coin and not like a Frisbee.

  • Sorcerer Magazine, Issue #1

    Welcome to the premier issue of Sorcerer Magazine — Dominaria’s only newspaper about Sorcerers, Sorcery, and Sorcerous happenings.

    Sorcerers are very similar to Wizards, although they have much longer hair, and perfer Sorceries as their primary type of magical spell. They are also known for their sweeping robes and unending vanity.

    In this first-of-its-kind issue, we sent one of our foremost investigative journalists to talk face-to-face with the various Sorcerers inhabiting downtown Alara. What he found out is so sorcerous that we were legally obligated to print it by the Sorcerer’s Guild! Let’s take a closer look at the day-to-day life of these strange creatures.


    Nyyaaa!

    With this spell, I can destroy two ceiling lights at the same time. It’s all part of my plan to promote ground lighting, which accentuates my features in a way candelabras never could.”


    “Wow, this book is great! Wait, don’t turn the page yet – I’m not done reading it.

    Ok, now you can turn.”


    “When I was younger, I fell down (while skateboarding, if you must know) into a pile of glowing blue gems.

    Since that day, I have never needed to sleep with a nightlight. I consider this my most powerful ability.”


    “Could we get a red spotlight on my bare chest, please? These arcs of electricity are making me look pale.”


    “I have spent much of my life researching how to control the element of water — summoning it from thin air, making it fly twixt this place and that, bending the raw power of nature to my own will!

    I no longer have need for dixie cups or water balloons.”


    “Can someone help me out? I got my arms stuck in this thing while I was trying to change the batteries.”


    “I’m tired of magazines

    Sayin’ flat butts are the thing,

    Take the average elemental and ask him that

    She gotta pack much tree”

    So, fellas! (Yeah!) Fellas! (Yeah!)

    Has your girlfriend got the tree? (Hell yeah!)

    Tell ’em to shake it! (Shake it!) Shake it! (Shake it!)

    Shake those healthy leaves!

    Baby got tree!


    “Whenever my kids visit it’s only to get +1/+1 until the beginning of the end step.”


    More in this issue:

    • Sorceries vs. Instants: Why We Prefer Slower Spells
    • What’s Going On With All These Prodigal Sorcerers?
    • Sorceress of the Week
    • Portal Three Kingdoms — The Last Great Sorcery Set?
    • At-The-Scene: Reporter Slain by Stray Hyphenation
  • The Vampiric Tutor’s Academy of the Arts

    “Welcome to my innermost library of secret scrolls – you’ve been such a studious pupil all along, and so full of life! Since we both already know you’re here to learn more about Magic, let’s cut right to it. Ah ah ah!”

    tutorship

    1. Cast a creature spell in your first main phase to trick your opponent into thinking you had your combat phase already.

    2. Whenever your opponent casts a spell, make sure to touch a couple of your lands and make like you’re about to say something, but don’t. What were you about to do? Your enemies will keep guessing, but ever wrongly!

    3. When tapping for mana, put a couple extra in your mana pool. You will never know when you might need it later, and your opponent will forget about it until it’s too late.

    4. Every cantrip in your deck is equivalent to a land, so you can swap them out one for one. Good examples include Bandage, Zap, and Aphotic Wisps.

    5. Land Grant works best in decks where you are unlikely to get land in your opening hand (or hands where you have a Gemstone Caverns). Load up on both and forsake normal lands.

    6. If you’re playing White and keep losing to decks that have creatures attacking you, pack your deck full of Circles of Protection. This quick cover will allow you to sit back and relax while your enemies ram their men into your Circles. Eventually, you’ll draw a big spell you can use to win against your opponent’s army.

    7. Play as many colors as you can, to make sure you have a card for every situation that may crop up. You never know who is going to show up and challenge you to a duel, and as a bonus, playing lots of colors will keep Angry Mob from wrecking you.

    8. If you’re dueling in a location with bright lights, make sure to use all foil lands from different sets and with different borders. Due to this shimmering distraction, your fellow wizards won’t be able to survey your available mana effectively. Since you’ll have tested your deck beforehand, you will be immune to its blinding effects.

    leng

    9. Once you have a couple lands in play, keep a couple in your hand and bluff that you’re holding useful spells. Make sure to look at them sideways to make it more convincing, since the only reason someone would do that is if it’s a split card. Since a crafty black wizard might try to Mind Rot you, add a Library of Leng to your deck. This will keep them from seeing the cards in your hand.

    10. You can cast Vampiric Tutor to search for, you guessed it — another Vampiric Tutor. This will put the mind-screws on an opponent while you rack up dozens of virtual cards in your virtual card advantage IRA.

    “My most valuable student, it seems you’ve run out of life… you were so close to winning the next GP, too.”

    At those words, your Vampiric Tutor changes into a bat and flies away as you crumple to the floor, a bloodless husk!

  • Oyakodon Tournament Report

    Recently, my living situation has aligned itself in just such a way that I have developed an interest in cooking. I’m coasting along on what money remains until I return to America in a couple months, want to learn Japanese dishes while in the little time I have left, and want to supplement my newfound exercise habits with healthy meals.

    I am a dude with a Jewish mom, so I have quite literally never had to fix anything more ambitious than a sandwich or an omelet. Cooking can be daunting at first! Luckily, most Japanese staples are incredibly simple to make, healthy, and cheap. Tonight, I made:

    Oyakodon – steamed white rice, topped with chicken, egg and onions served in traditional Japanese dashi broth.

    For the unfamiliar, donburi is a dish made from rice, broth or water mixed with soy sauce and rice vinegar, and various toppings. Donburi is as filling as it is delicious, and generally requires less than 30 minutes to prepare.

    ROUGH LIST, SERVES 1

    1 cup of Japanese white rice

    1/2 onion

    1.5 tbsp dark (regular) soy sauce

    1 tbsp mirin (Japanese rice vinegar)

    1/2 cup water

    1 tbsp sugar

    1 tsp dashi (powdered soup stock made from kelp and skipjack tuna, a fundamental ingredient for Japanese cooking, including miso soup)

    ~1/4 cup chicken thigh; enough for about 6 bite-sized chunks

    1 egg

    egg

    STRATEGY

    RICE: Wash your rice a few times until the water isn’t cloudy, but don’t worry too much, as cloudier rice is just stickier rice.
    Combine one and a bit cups of water for each cup of rice you make in a pot.
    Cover the pot with a lid, and bring the rice to a boil on high heat.
    Then, cook it on low for about 15-20 minutes, until the water is mostly gone.
    Remove the pot from the fire, and let it steam with the lid on for another 10-15 minutes.

    Or, use a rice cooker. Seriously.

    ONION: cut off the narrow ends of the onions. Place it flat on the cutting board, slice it in half, and remove the skin. Wrap one half in aluminum foil and put it back in the fridge, because you are poor. place the other half on its broad, flat side, and cut it widthwise into ~5mm strips.

    CHICKEN: remove any bones and skin from your thigh meat, rinse it, and cut it into bite-size portions.

    EGG: beat an egg.

    BROTH: combine the dashi, soy sauce, water, rice vinegar, and sugar in a pan.
    Mix the ingredients, cover the pan, bring the heat to medium, and leave the mixture for a minute or two.

    When the broth is hot and uniform, remove the lid and stir in the onion before replacing the lid again.

    After another couple minutes, stir in the chicken and put the lid back on.

    Wait a couple minutes to turn over the chicken, and when it’s cooked on both sides, stir in the egg; make sure it doesn’t stay together enough to form any large pieces.

    Pour the mixture over your bowl of rice. Congratulations! Enjoy your delicious donburi with chopsticks and a spoon.

    Without further ado, here is how the tournament went.

    Round 1 opponent: WGr Beef Yakisoba

    He opens with a pile of steaming broiled noodles topped with rare beef and oblique cut green onions. I lay an egg and pass the turn. He picks up his chopsticks and swings with a slice of beef and a hank of noodles, spraying beef juice over my board for -1/-1. I crack the egg and fetch a chicken equipped with makotobashi. I lay a scoop of white rice and top it with a drizzle of soy and vinegar. He draws 4 noodles in a row and scoops his lunch.

    Second game much like the first, except now I’ve found my onions and my onions trample over his onions and take his beef.

    1-0

    noodle

    Round 2: BW Futomaki

    This is a variant on the popular Japanese deck substituting G avocado for R snapper. Basically he rolls over me as I try to find a protein source and fail.

    1-1

    Round 3: Texas Toast

    I am quite surprised that this is still seeing play. I’m having trouble getting past the cheese and garlic but eventually rice proves a more stable mana base than rye. First game I lose horribly to garlic. Second game I side out onions and chicken and throw in 4x pickled egg and 3x wasabi. Even though he has slathered the red zone with butter and garlic cheese, the wasabi comes down hard and fast, and burns his sinuses right out. Game 3 I go rice, egg, 2x wasabi and he offers the handkerchief.

    2-1

    Round 4: E. Honda playing 5c Torinabe

    This is Swiss final round and I’m tired, thirsty, and have a runny nose. E. Honda entered the tournament with a 2050 rating and 1 point shy of a 3-bye invite to GP Bangkok. He is piloting a new, unscouted version of his trademark midrange toolbox Nabe deck, and is an impeccably technically precise player despite his quirky tournament attire of bath towel and geta. He clomps over to the table, settles his 270 kg frame into the tiny folding chair, and smiles.

    Game 1 saw me get a good start with Rice, egg, 2 chickens and a dash of vinegar. He seems to have trouble finding a black mana but manages a turn 3 norimaki and starts laying out some serious fat. I am pinging in the air thinking this will be a long but inevitable game. Then he sacs potato, norimaki, crab, tuna, and mushroom to get Mothra. I try to distract the giant with Wasabi but remember as Honda untaps that moths can’t smell.

    Game 2 I side out 4x mirin and side in 4x Kirin.

    We are both getting drunk but I am secretly taking pings from my own Wasabi and it keeps me alert enough to outmaneuver Honda, who is by this time sleepy drunk and has to get up to pee. He has taken 3x Kirin to the face and looks like he is about to pass out as the judges watch him lurch for the washroom. After several minutes he returns, red in the face and somewhat more alert. But it has cost him momentum and he fails to deal with 100 stings from wasabi + raw onion.

    Game 3 I start out with Kirin. Rough on the stomach this early in the game, I am getting low on life and it seems he has developed a tolerance. I keep at it though, and finally he is so drunk he can’t remember whether he has untapped this turn and forgets a bunch of may effects during his upkeep. I go all-in with a sick chicken and he folds. Literally. His folding chair finally collapses, he goes down, tries to get back up, and is down for the count as the judges wander by to keep him from falling asleep in the aisle.

    3-1

    I gotta go pee so bad, I miss the final standings but hear later on I was just shy of top 8.