Pro MTG Online #174
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Blog
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Roy Spires Wins Grand Prix: Vancouver!
After two days of Tarmogoyfs, legendary Treefolk, and Counter-Top locks, we have a winner. Well-known internet Magic expert Roy “Random-Miser” Spires defeated Tomoharu Saito in the most lopsided match in Grand Prix history. Spires’ tech was so powerful we have omitted his decklist from the coverage out of respect for his innovation.
“I just threw it together this morning……I wasn’t even planning on playing this event…..I was in the neighborhood and figured why not……” Then he made a face like this:
:-9
“When word gets out…….everyone will know [OMITTED] is good.” Then he squinted his eyes shut tight.
>.<
(Sorry for the ellipses, but when Roy speaks there is often a prolonged pause that is represented best by five or six dots in a row).
Prior to this weekend Spires was best known as designer of Invincible Counter Troll, a Vintage deck containing some of the most broken cards ever printed and Sedge Troll. Earlier last year Sedge Troll was timeshifted into the Planar Chaos set as Hedge Troll in tribute to Spires. Roy has long been recognized as the smartest Magic player to have never accomplished anything significant in an event of any merit.
“What can I say….my opponents get lucky…..”
Dr. David Pask from the School of Mathematical and Physical Sciences at the University of Newcastle calculates the odds of Roy avoiding the pitfall of lucky opponents as a number too long for this article to one. In other words, nearly impossible.
“Mister Spires has been the victim of luck so often it has become part of the fabric of reality. In fact, anyone sitting across from Spires in a tournament setting will automatically be exempt from mana screw and will often get his ‘God hand’ two games running. This places him on the opposite end of the scale from say, Kai Budde or Jon Finkel, two of the luckiest mages in Magic history. That is, until now.”
Dr. Pask did not comment as to if internet coverage magnifies this lucky opponent phenomenon. It would seem so based on past events. From the Starcity Games Vintage tournament in July 2003 to Grand Prix: Dallas 2007, Roy’s opponents have been lucky enough to prevent the public at large who might not be familiar with his extensive library of apprentice logs detailing his victories or his domination of the Dallas FNM circuit from recognizing his genius.
In addition to his trophy, Spires leaves Vancouver with the top prize of $3000 and the $1500 check for best finish by a player with no pro points. How’s that for luck! Roy is taking it all in stride.
“For an event like this, I’m practically losing money…..I usually make tens of thousands trading cards at tournaments….I didn’t even have any cash for my entry fee yesterday…..good thing I had my American Express Black on me…..” Then he made a face too complex for an emoticon to represent.
Upon hearing the news of the victory Stephen Hawking electronically uttered, “I have been wrong about everything”. Then he died.
Congratulations to Roy “Random-Miser” Spires, Grand Prix: Vancouver Champion 2008!
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Pro MTG Online #173
Pro MTG Online #173
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Pro MTG Online #172
Pro MTG Online #172
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Hillary Clinton’s Comeback Contest
MANCHESTER, N.H. — Reeling after a third place finish in the Iowa caucuses this week, the Hillary Clinton team is seeking to retool and rework their campaign strategy to compensate for a new state and a new demographic. Acknowledging that over 72% of New Hampshirese are fans of the card game Magic: The Gathering, she is running a “new humor article or other content” contest, asking for submissions and rewarding the most original and humorous of them.
“My opponent always talks about ‘hope, hope, hope.’ I say that he is a ‘dope, dope, dope,’” Clinton said to a New Hampshire crowd on Saturday, receiving a chorus of “boos” in response. “I don’t think he understands New Hampshirites like I do, and that’s why I’m running this ‘Mystic cards’ contest,” she continued.
Clinton is running the contest in a joint partnership with new Magic forum MiseTings2. MiseTings2 will display the submissions and reward the three best of them with three booster packs of Lorwyn each. The MiseTings2 administrator, who could not reveal his name or gender for security purposes, notes that this will set him back about $30, bringing his total site investment to $40. He added, however, that if there are more than 10 total submissions from different authors, he’ll up the prizes to 5 packs each.
He also happened to mention that the due date for the contest is February 5th, long after the relevant primaries, and that authors should free to post entries directly in the “Magic Cards Humor and Other Gaming Humor” subsection. He also said that non-Magic humor, as long as it’s gaming-related, is acceptable, and that his partnership with the Clinton campaign does not necessarily imply support.
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Lorwyn Legend Art
Every time we begin a Magic: The Gathering adventure in a new fantasy world, we try to populate it with interesting and original heroes and villians to make the new mythos come alive and bubble with energy. Today we take a look at some of the creative characters we've come up with for the Lorwyn world, which is likewise the setting for the upcoming Morningtide expansion.Kithkin: Gaddock Teeg
Gaddock Teek is a Kithkin humanist, satirist, lecturer and writer. Teeg is most noted for his famous novels as well as his quotations. During his lifetime, Teeg has been friends with warlords, artists, leading artificers and Lorwynian royalty. Teeg enjoys immense public popularity, and his keen wit and incisive satire earned him praise from both critics and peers.
Merfolk: Sygg, River Guide
Sygg is the frontman and long-suffering manager of the Merrow Lanes. Whereas Sygg is a happy, perky and somewhat avuncular character elsewhere, on the Lanes he tries to keep control of the varied, outrageous, kinetic merfolk characters (and his temper), as well as keep the non-merfolk guests happy and secure.
Goblins: Wort, Boggart Auntie
Wort is a Goblin auntie who attracted realm-wide attention for her extended demonstration at a camp outside a Gilt-Leaf ranch garnering her both support and criticism. Two years later, Wort officially ended her involvement on the political front lines, saying, "I am going to go home and be a mother to my surviving younglings and try to regain some of what I have lost."
Elves: Nath of the Gilt-Leaf
Nath is a controversial Elvish humorist, philanthropist, warrior, and talk show host.
Treefolk: Doran the Siege Tower
PH'NGLUI MGLW'NAFH DORAN FOREST WGAH'NAGL FHTAGN
Giants: Brion Stoutarm
Brion Stoutarm, commonly referred to by his surname, is the best friend and former roommate to the giant Kiel. He can frequently be seen engaging Kiel in childishly competitive games. Stoutarm is normally the victor of these games, and he enjoys rubbing it in Kiel's face. He normally does this by making Kiel say "I'm your biatch" after Kiel loses.
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Doping with Dolphins I
With christmas about to come after weeks of shoving its cock down consumers’ throats, it’s time to reflect on the little things that the year has brought us. Now I’m not going to lie, from hurricanes to music to magic, this year has been a load of shit, but I think if we pry a little deeper we’ll find that it’s full of tasty grubs and nitrogen, and if not we can post our attempt on the internet.The year of magic ended earlier this month when the Jews and Swiss took time out from taking our money and using it to make very precise watches to destroy us at Worlds in New York. And let me tell you, the snow outside didn’t stop the event from being hotter than a beach in Brazil. The finals came down to Uri Peleg, who once upon a time provided Nick Eisel with a rough list which Eisel fine-tuned into a killing machine that we look back on as Food Chain Goblins, defeating Patrick Chapin, the grouchy American boasting a decade of mediocrity, by a very prominent nose.
Peleg piloted an innovative black-green-white deck which stood with history on its side as it vividly recreated the trope of a black caddy carrying a white man’s clubs on a golf course. Let’s take a look at the list:
India 2.0
As you can see the deck runs the time-tested white:other proportion used by the British throughout their empire. Cards like Doran, Oblivion Ring, and Riftsweeper can provide guidance for the other, more powerful but less organized cards, as well as providing specialized services to pull the most possible out of an economy burgeoning with slave labor. Apparently Peleg went to the forest so that he could test deliberately prior to the tournament, and I’m going to give 10:1 odds that he did it on a raft in the Congo.
Now let’s take a look at the deck he beat. Chapin showed up with the buzz of the tournament, a 75-card number with a plummeting neck-line bringing attention to mountains that could kill at a moment’s notice. Here she is, in all her glory:
Land (24)Creatures (4)Spells (32)Sideboard (15)Chapin said that he based the deck on his ex-girlfriend, which is probably the best explanation for the snow-covered lands. And let me tell you, it made from some awkward chit-chat when he met Gabriel Nassif, who he had been quite close to leading up to the tournament, in the semi-finals only to find that Nassif was running the same deck with an up-to-date sideboard, although his maindeck looked like it’d put on a few pounds. The tension escalated further as Nassif made it evident that he’d been fucking all night with his abysmal play.
The deck seeks to lure you into complacency with slow foreplay using the game’s most sexually enticing manabase, and then freak the hell out on you, throw your favorite models at the wall, and put four dragons into play. Unfortunately for Chapin, he returned home in the finals to find that Uri had had his friends over and they’d killed the cat with a shotgun.
It was a great tournament, with plenty of celebrities attending and no crashes. But it was the exception for the year. MODO has gotten worse and one of the PTs was hosted in Spain.
Take a moment to look back and be thankful for what we’ve had, and what we’re promised. Version 3.0 will probably be out sometime next year, and the next PT is in Kuala Lumpur.
I mean, what could go wrong?