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  • Designing While Asleep at the Wheel?

    Wizards Preemtively Bans Five Cards from Fall 2009 Set

    In a surprise announcement, Wizards of the Coast (WotC), a Hasbro subsidiary (NYSE: HAS), has banned five cards from their upcoming block, codenamed “Live/Long/Prosper”. While still intending to print, package, and distribute these five cards, they are henceforth illegal in all formats (including casual, internal testing leagues, and all draft formats), due to their game-warping abilities. According to Mark Rosewater, a WotC designer, the decision was made “after careful consideration of the five’s current and future effect on the game, as well as the design team’s desire to not design any more cards for this block.”

    When pressed further as to why the design team decided to waste five slots with so obviously broken cards in a set that hasn’t even made it to the printers yet, Rosewater, with anger in his voice, said, “[…] and we are expected to design three sets a year. Three sets. Do you realize how many cards that actually is? I can’t even count them it’s so many (he is gesturing wildly with his arms here — ein). And players are expecting cards with mechanics they’ve never seen before, in addition to all their favorite old mechanics, and of course more gold cards. We just don’t have enough time to come up with good ideas, so sometimes powerful cards slip through the cracks unnoticed. You would probably like it if every card were as balanced as Tolarian Academy, Astral Slide, Scryb Sprites, and Skullclamp, wouldn’t you? Good design takes time man.”

    What then, you may be curious, do these cards actually do? In another rare misstep, the WotC website, magicthegathering.com (you must click the link below the balls or you can”t get past them) accidentally released the pending Oracle text of each of the cards in the announcement of their banning. They are listed here in their entirety:


    Gambling for Fun (and Profit)

    R
    Enchantment
    During your upkeep flip two coins. If you win both of those flips, yYou win the game.

    Some people will only gamble on a sure thing. Some people don’t understand “gambling”.


    Catch Them All

    U
    Enchantment
    If at any time you control all the creatures in play, you win the game. (if there are no creatues in play, you still win the game)

    Having toughness and determination is good and all, but killing your opponent before the fight starts is better.


    Eager Defense

    W
    Enchantment
    During your upkeep, if you control two or more creatures, and none of those creatures have a toughness greater than 1, you win the game.

    Putting your kids on the front line shows you’re serious.


    The Benefits of Home Ownership

    G
    Enchantment
    If mana from a basic forest was spent to play this card, you win the game.

    Don’t worry, it may not look like much but it’s rent-controlled.


    The Death of Intelligence

    B
    Enchantment
    If, during your upkeep, you have fewer cards in your hand than your opponent, you win the game.

    Getting ahead isn’t about having the most knowledge, it’s about ramming your agenda through by force.

    “We thought these cards would liven up the game, and since Battle of Wits was so well received, we thought we’d try again. But BoW decks are big and complicated to play, and require lots of time to shuffle, so we wanted to do this series so that the conditions were easier to fulfill.” Rosewater explained. He went on, “Were the new ones too easy to fulfill? Since they’re banned, I guess we’ll never know for sure, will we?”

    You may be wondering why the Future League or Future Future League failed to expose the power of these cards. According to Rosewater, “Seriously? You’re surprised this wasn’t caught? I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned before that everyone here thinks enchantments are jokes. No one plays those things.”

  • A Delicious New Plane Awaits

    Good news everyone! Our operatives have returned from the time rift and have come up with a partial spoiler from the set code named “Live!” Many Bothans died to bring us this information.

    Turns out, the set is really called “Delis of Gastronomica” and the set’s theme focuses on a powerful new card type! Without further ado…

    White

    Ham Sandwich on Wonder Bread – W
    Sandwich – Delicious (Common)
    Eat – Put 2 +1/+1 counters on the creature that eats this. (To eat a sandwich, tap an untapped creature you control and sacrifice the sandwich.)

    Hungry Cadet – W
    Creature – Human Soldier (Common)
    Whenever Hungry Cadet eats a sandwich, put a +1/+1 counter on it.
    “Plains, this guy, go.”
    1/1

    Virtual Time Walk – 1W
    Sorcery (Uncommon)
    Untap target creture that ate a sandwich this turn.
    Draw a card.
    “Okay Flores, this time you’re really stretching it.”

    Hypochondria – 2W
    Enchantment (Rare)
    Your life total is 10 more than you think it is.

    Red

    Buffalo Chicken Sandwich with Bacon – 1R
    Sandwich – Delicious (Common)
    Eat – The creature that eats this sandwich gets +4/+0 and first strike until end of turn. (To eat a sandwich, tap an untapped creature you control and sacrifice the sandwich.)

    Ironclaw Sandwichsmith Czar – 2RR
    Creature – Orc Gourmand (Common)
    When Ironclaw Sandwichsmith Czar comes into play, you may search your library for a delicious sandwich and put it into play.
    2/3

    Sauté – 2R
    Sorcery (Common)
    Sauté deals 5 damage to target player over a period of 2 to 3 minutes until they are a deep golden brown.

    Blue

    The One Sandwich to Rule Them All – 1UU
    Legendary Sandwich – Delicious (Mythic)
    Eat – The creature that eats this sandwich becomes unblockable, has shroud, and refuses to share it with anyone because it is a dick. (This effect does not end at end of turn.)

    The Ultimate Crime of Unforgivable Sin – U
    Sorcery (Rare)
    Gain control of target sandwich.

    Your Cake – 2UU
    Sorcery – Arcane (Common)
    Choose one – Have Your Cake, or eat it.
    Entwine: THERE IS NO ENTWINE.

    Distant Jingle – 3U
    Instant (Common)
    Draw cards equal to the highest converted mana cost among sandwiches you control.
    “Five dolla foot looooooooong!”

    Scornful Egosandwich – 8U
    Sandwich – Surly (Uncommon)
    Eat – Return the creature that eats this to its owners hand. (To eat a sandwich, tap an untapped creature you control and sacrifice the sandwich.)
    Morph U

    Green

    Bizarrogoyf – 1G
    Creature – Lhurgoyf (Rare)
    Bizarrogoyf gets -1/-1 for each card type among cards in all graveyards. (The card types are artifact, creature, enchantment, instant, land, planeswalker, sorcery, tribal, and sandwich.)
    9/10

    Sandwich of Oaks – 3G
    Sandwich – Not-Terribly-Delcious (Uncommon)
    Eat – Put 7 +1/+1 counters on the creature that eats this. (To eat a sandwich, tap an untapped creature you control and sacrifice the sandwich.)

    Famished Famished River Horse – 3GG
    Creature – Hippo Rogue (Common)
    Trample
    When Famished Famished River Horse deals combat damage to a player, you may have it eat target sandwich that player controls.
    4/4

    Relentless Groffskithur – 5G
    Creature – Beast (Common)
    Whenever Relentless Groffskithur becomes blocked, you may return target card named Relentless Groffskithur from your graveyard to your hand.
    A deck can have any number of cards named Relentless Groffskithur.
    3/3

    Colossal Sandwich – 2GG
    Sandwich – Shapeshifter (Rare)
    Changeling (This sandwich is all sandwich types at all times.)
    Eat – The creature that eats this sandwich gets gains protection from black and +X/+X until end of turn, where X is its power.

    Form of the Hoagie – 1G
    Enchantment (Mythic)
    You can’t cast spells.
    You can’t be the target of spells or abilities your opponents control.
    Creatures you control have: “T: You lose the game.”

    Black

    Dumpster Diver – 3B
    Creature – Human Programmer (Common)
    When Dumpster Diver comes into play, you may return a sandwich from a graveyard to play under your control.
    “Hey, this sandwich is still good! It’s not gluten free though…”
    2/3

    Word of Command of Make Me a Sammich – BB
    Sorcery (Rare)
    Search target player’s hand and library for a sandwich card and put that card into play under your control. That player must draw as much mana as possible from lands he or she controls to pay for the sandwich.
    If the target player is of the opposite sex, search for two sandwiches instead.

    Broodwich – 3BB
    Legendary Sandwich – Demon (Mythic)
    Eat – The creature that eats this sandwich gains “Whenever this creature deals combat damage to a player, that player loses the game.” (This effect does not end at end of turn. Also, you just lost the game.)
    “Mmmm, sun dried tomatoes.”

    Mayor McCheese – 2BB
    Legendary Sandwich Creature – Delicious Human (Rare)
    Eat – Cause civil unrest in McDonaldland. We’re pretty sure that any human creature that eats this guy counts as a cannibal and is a sick fuck.
    3/3

    Fuck You Elemental – BBBBB
    Creature – Elemental Asshole (Rare)
    1B, Sacrifice Fuck You elemental: You and target player both lose the game.
    Remove Fuck You Elemental from your deck before the game if playing with fewer than 3 players.
    PS, you just lost the game again.
    6/6

    Land

    Brass Land
    Land (Rare)
    Add 1 to your mana pool.
    Brass Land does not untap during your untap step.
    1: Untap Brass Land. Play this ability only during your upkeep.

    Hill From the Sound of Music
    Land – Terranthrope (Uncommon)
    Hill From the Sound of Music comes into play tapped.
    T: Add G to your mana pool.
    2GG: All terranthropes you control become 4/4 creatures with trample. (This effect doesn’t end at end of turn.)

    Multicolored

    Irony – 2UG
    Creature – Incarnation (Uncommon)
    Trample, Unblockable
    When Irony is in your graveyard, creatures you control have trample and are unblockable.
    “It’s like raaaaaaaain…”
    3/2

    Nicol Bolas, Plainswalker – 2UUBBRR
    Legendary Creature – Elder Dragon (Mythic)
    Plainswalk
    7/7

    Artifact

    Concrete Rockin’ Moroccan – 7
    Legendary Artfact Sandwich – Delicious Grinder Equipment (Rare)
    Equip: 3
    Equipped creature gets +4/+4 and may eat the Concrete Rockin’ Moraccan if it is tapped.
    Eat – The creature that eats this sandwich gets +9/+0 until end of turn. Sacrifice it at end of turn.

    Brown Paper Bag With Your Name on It – 0
    Artifact (Uncommon)
    Sandwiches you control have shroud.




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  • Good Gamery St. Patrick’s Day Contest


    Greetings :vulcan hand greeting:. My name is Spock, of the Vulcan race. I am from the 23rd century — the Year of Our Lord 2295, to be exact. That’s correct. I am… from the future.

    I have boldly come to this time, in the distant past, for I am on a mission. That mission is to travel to 1930s Dublin, to be painted by Harry Kernoff in a piece entitled “A Bird Never Flew on One Wing.” If I do not create a casual explanation for this anomalous painting, we’ll be stuck in a doomed tangent universe a la Donnie Darko. It also, logically, sounds like a raging fun way to spend St. Patrick’s Day.

    Along the way, however, I intend to help Good Gamery spoil the contents of this fall’s Magic: The Gathering block, nicknamed “Live/Long/Prosper.”

    See that temporal anomaly over there? Right there :points at the wall:. I invite all to enter into it and travel to the future, for this anomaly is a portal into the future. There you will extract information about this fall’s block. You may write your own report. Or you might brave the labyrinthine depths of magicthegathering.com to extract articles. Either way, you will return and submit this content to he who is the head administrator at Good Gamery, via forum PM (“paz”) or via gmail (“extremestan”). Logically, you may even submit multiple items.

    (In other words, this contest asks that you submit humorous content regarding the cards, flavor, or development of this fall’s block, currently known only as “Live/Long/Prosper.”


    Or, you know, you can write about something else that’s funny or strategic. That’ll count too.)

    The persons who accomplish this task most excellently, as voted upon by their peers, will receive material compensation. This is, I hear, what compels people in this primitive age.

    • 1st place: Three “Shards of Alara” boosters and one of “Tezzeret, the Seeker,” “Birds of Paradise,” “Burning Wish,” or “Living Wish”
    • 2nd place: Three “Shards of Alara” boosters and one of the remaining three of the above cards
    • 3rd place: Three “Shards of Alara” boosters and one of the remaining two of the above cards
    • 4rd place: Three “Shards of Alara” boosters and the remaining card of the above cards

    There’s one catch. Logically, every time this content is published, the future will be altered. Thus, published items may not be consistent with one another. And this content is not predestined to be related to your science fiction mythos “Star Trek,” of which I know nothing. Though it can possibly be related. I am uncertain.

    Logically, it’s time for you to enter the temporal anomaly and submit some content. The contest will end around St. Patrick’s Day, with submitted content being published all along the way. Take heed when I say that the state of the universe is depending on you taking part, for better or for worse, logically.




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  • Point/Counterpoint: Powerstone Minefield vs. Mobilization

    Uh Oh, Something Feels Wrong

    Something doesn’t feel right. I haven’t felt good for a while now. I suppose one could think it odd for a landscape to have an illness, but I assure you, I have one. Could this be due to the impending flip of Earth’s magnetic poles? Regardless, something is off. None of my grass is still alive and all the rabbits and foxes that used to live in burrows on my land are torched beyond recognition. Even the carrion birds that would like to eat those crispy little critters are staying away.

    *cough* *cough*

    Hmmm, I don’t sound very good. Maybe I should take a nap. Yeah, a nap sounds pretty good. I hope for everyones sake I am not disturbed by that ominous looking mass of people off to my left. They are in for a rude surprise if I am disturbed while napping.



    Retreat, Men, Retreat… OH NO, IT’S TOO LAaaaaaaaa… IT BURNS!

    A soldier a turn, that’s pretty good right? Eventually, we’re going to build up to two soldiers a turn, and then… look out! Until then, I should put another token into play. Building an army has never been easier. Well, never been easier if you’re not a thallid that is. But, I digress. There is work to be done. We thus far can’t outfit our soldiers with anything more than the swords on their backs. I’ve been fighting so long, I can’t even remember who we’re fighting against. No matter, I’m just here to make soldiers; guess I’ll put another one into play. I wonder what these guys do all day? I’ve heard of other armies putting their skulls in clamps, but what good does that do? Motivation? I highly doubt that. The poor people they put in there end up in mass graves, or so I’ve heard.

    Oh, wait… what’s this? The call to attack? This must be it! I am so proud of all of you men, I just wanted you to know. Mind what you have learned, save you it can. One of you needs to stay back and guard the fort, right? Oh, right, I will just make another to guard. Nevermind.

    Is that screaming I hear? What is going on over there?

    That is screaming! Oh no! My poor soldiers, they are dying and dying. And for what? They haven’t done anything to anyone. I think I might cry. Please make it back to me safely, men. I will miss you if you’re gone forever. Why would anyone do something like this to my soldiers. It’s not like they are important to anyone but me. They aren’t even real people, they’re just tokens. Don’t they deserve a chance?

    Wait… I can just make more. Whatever.


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  • Jokulmorder Tests Positive for Power-Enhancing Equipment

    Jokulmorder, widely considered the biggest creature in the game today, tested positive for power-enhancing equipment, according to a report by MTGSalvation.com. Jokulmorder was discovered to have been using Leonin Scimitar, O-Naginata, and at one time Golem Skin Gauntlets, according to alleged equipment dealer Steelshaper Apprentice, who is currently standing trial. Jokulmorder, standing at 12/12 and poised to break Krosan Cloudscraper’s record of 13/13 in a matter of years, declined to comment. Family and friends of lands sacrificed to Jokulmorder were visibly upset following the revelation.

    Jokulmorder was seen as a hero by many longtime Magic: The Gathering fans. After Cloudscraper tested positive for a Vulshok Morningstar in 2003, fans turned to Jokulmorder as the savior of a game in shambles as a result of the ensuing equipment scandal. With Jokulmorder seen as the greatest “pure” creature left in the game, fans eagerly awaited the day he would grow bigger than Cloudscraper.

    Now, that day may never come, if Jokulmorder meets the same fate as Cloudscraper. Numerous players refused to pay Cloudscraper’s upkeep cost; others cut him from their 93-card Green decks. In past years, Cloudscraper has chosen to stay out of the public eye, preferring to stay morphed.

    This stunning leak leaves fans to root for Autochthon Wurm, the next in line to finally unseat Phyrexian Dreadnought as the undisputed “largest creature ever.”




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  • Linzards of the Linoast Releases Open Magic

    (From the Linzards of the Linoast web site…)

    Wizards of the Coast (WOTC, a subsidiary of Hasbro, NYSE: HAS) has long held a monopoly over the collectible card game known as Magic: The Gathering (MtG). We at Linzards of the Linoast have been working, along with several prominent MtG players, such as Trey Van Cleave, to produce an open source version of the popular game, one that combines all the features one would expect from the original, yet offered under the GPL. The result of this work is Open Magic!

    The requirements for using Open Magic are as follows:



    • 1 Collection of physical MtG cards
    • 1 Pair household scissors
    • 1 Pack standard issue index cards
    • 1 Pen
    • 1 Stapler pre-loaded with staples
    • 1 Scanner
    • 1 Computer capable of running Adobe Photoshop™
    • 1 Copy of Adobe Photoshop™
    • 1 Color Printer
    • 1 Set of standard issue card sleeves to fit MtG cards

    As you can see, the barrier to entry is very low!

    In order to use Open Magic, simply do the following:


    Step One:



    Trace one of you regular MtG cards on one of your notecards, using some type of pen. To facilitate proper integration with standard MtG cards and sleeves, make sure to trace carefully! (Linzards of the Linoast recommends not consuming caffeine, alcohol, or other drugs at least 45 minutes prior to beginning tracing to ensure a steady hand.)


    Step Two:


    Cut out the card you just traced, using your scissors. Again, following the lines in essential for future compatibility.


    Step Three:




    Scan both the front of the card you are intending to use with Open Magic (this is why it is imperative that you own a collection of physical cards!), and the back of any card you choose.


    Step Four:


    Print out the card front and card back that you just scanned.


    Step Five:


    Cut out your front and back printouts, then staple them (make sure you face them the right way!) to the piece of notecard you cut out in Step Two. This is now your Open Magic card!


    Step Six:


    JK, there isn’t really a step six (:D)!! Check out this sample hand. It was generated using both the pre-existing, proprietary Magic: The Gathering cards, as well as our new Open Magic island. You can’t tell the difference, can you? We thought not!




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  • WOTC Issues Errata for Sorrow’s Path

    RENTON — Yesterday, gaming company Wizards of the Coast shocked millions by issuing functional errata on Magic: the Gathering card Sorrow's Path, last printed in The Dark in 1994. Rules Manager Mark Gottlieb explained the reason for the update:

    “Sorrow’s Path predated half-line spaces between abilities, so when looking at the actual card, there was no way to tell whether this was all a single activated ability or the first three lines were an activated ability and the last three lines were a separate triggered ability.”

    The card will now contain a triggered ability that will function whenever it becomes tapped, rather than only when the activated ability is played.

    Already, Legacy players are insisting that every decklist must now begin:


    Errata on older cards that seriously affects their playability is not new. Prior to the Portal sets’ becoming legal in Eternal formats, they received modern Oracle text, and Legacy and Vintage players everywhere were shocked to learn that Zodiac Dragon’s ability no longer triggered whenever the hell you wanted. Fans of putting cards on other cards were devastated when Cold Storage was updated, to avoid the philosophical problem that would arise if you attempted to put an animated Cold Storage on top of itself. And no one has any idea anymore what Time Vault does these days.

    Perhaps most famous was the functional change issued to the popular and well-known Mirage rare Flash prior to Grand Prix Columbus. Questioned on the timing, Gottlieb responded, “It was important to us to get the card fixed as soon as we learned about it. We needed to restore the card to its original intent of allowing a player to search for any number of creature cards with total converted mana cost 6 or less and put them into play, or choose a land of each basic land type, then destroy those lands, then choose a land of each basic land type, then destroy those lands. Man, an instant for two mana? What were those Mirage designers thinking?”

    The impact of the new Sorrow’s Path remains to be seen, but at press time, all major online retailers appeared to be sold out of both it and Rune of Protection: Lands.




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  • NJ’s Conflux Set Review

    Read the article at this Thread Link.

  • Shard Convergence



    (Thread Link)

  • Wizards Get Conflux Names Wrong

    ALARA — Citizens across each of the five shards are up in arms about the latest Magic: The Gathering set, entitled “Conflux,” complaining that its creators, the Wizards of the Coast, are screwing up their names on purpose.

    “Some of the Wizards visited Alara to snap some digital photos, do some interviews, visit some hot spots, and I don’t think they expected the reaction they got,” said Gleotyc, an Esper Shardian. “Frankly, we Alarans are not friendly to outsiders. We don’t want them here, and we made that very clear to them with our rudeness and aloof demeanor,” it continued.

    It appears that, out of spite, the Wizards are now spelling Alarans’ names wrong intentionally. Gleotyc, an artificial Homo-Nucleus (or “same core”), was disturbed to discover that its kind are being spelled “Homu-Nculus” by the naughty Wizards.

    Similarly angry was Jim Conway, an auto mechanic. “They called me a ‘mechanist,’” grunted the 43-year-old faerie while cynically pronouncing “mechanist” with an effeminate lisp. “Sounds like a job for homos,” he concluded, referring to the fact that many Homo-Nuclei are mechanists.

    We also spoke with Hellspank Elemental, Guiltspire Avengist, Nick’s Athid, Goblin Mazerunners, Vicious Dragon and MegaloNoth. All of their names have been misspelled. “I’m holding out that it’s just spoiler typos,” said Hellspank, a Jundese fetish pornographer.

    Even a spell currently on the stack, with a lifespan of mere moments and without any sentience at all, was upset. “My name’s Memory Lapse, not ‘Lapse of Certainty!’ And I’m not a damn cracker!” it roared before going to the graveyard.




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