Tag: paz

REDMOND, WA — Wizards of the Coast rocked the world of Magic: The Gathering today when they announced an intimidating new release schedule for new sets, as well as a new schedule for Standard rotations.

First, blocks will now be composed of 2 sets apiece. Maro Rosewater explains:

Second, Standard will now rotate such that it contains no more than 3 blocks at all times, and without any core sets whatsoever.

Maro Rosewater explains:

Finally, a new set will be introduced every single day.

Maro Rosewater explains:

Finally, Wizard of the Coast built state-of-the-art animated GIFs to explain the new paradigm shift and somehow included them in its press release:

For ages we’ve struggled with the question, “Where the dragons at?”


It appears we now have our answer: “Every. Damn. Day.”

BREMERTON, WA – The trading card game industry was reeling yesterday as Aaron Haylin, 17, of Bremerton rocked its foundations at what some are calling a “metaphysical” level.

It all started at local shop Zeus’s Mjolnir Comics and Cards, as Haylin and fellow Magic: The Gathering enthusiast Brenden Thelsby tussled over a potential transaction.

“He wanted my Hallowed Fountain but I didn’t really want anything in his binder,” Thelsby said. “So I said to him, ‘I’ll just sell it to you for 20 bucks?’ That’s when it happened.”

According to Thelsby and other sources, Haylin then said, “Are you kidding? I’m not paying 20 bucks for what really is nothing more than a piece of cardboard.”

The statement sent ripples of realization through the surrounding Magic: The Gathering players and collectors. They tossed their decks into the air and pulled their cards out of their binders, flinging them to the floor and spitting upon them. What previously they cherished, they were now tearing up, cutting up, and punching holes through.

We caught up with Haylin and he confirmed what had happened.

“It’s no big deal,” Haylin said. “The event surprised me no more than any other event. After all, events are just ‘stuff happening,’ so a particular event is really the same as any other.”

When asked if this worldview extended to anything else in Haylin’s life, he began an enthusiastic monologue. “Oh my, yes,” he said. “The other day my buddy Mike said he was ‘excited’ about a new X360 video game. But what is an X360 video game but silvery metal and plastic formed into a disc? I can get those component parts for pennies; that idiot is ready and willing to shell out $60!”

“Speaking of $60, that’s also pretty substanceless,” Haylin continued, pulling various monies from his wallet. “Look at this stuff,” he said, waving bills around. “What is this, anyway? It’s, like, just paper,” he added, before tearing his money into confetti and throwing it to the ground in audible disgust.

“I almost hesitate to call Mike a ‘friend,’” admitted Haylin. “I mean, what more is he than a collection of cells which, in turn, are just collections of various molecules? I might as well call the graphite in my pencil a ‘friend,’ since that’s carbon-based, too.”

“Some say my outlook is bizarre,” Haylin concluded, “But I think it’s pretty radical.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – As many insiders expected, U.S. House Republicans formally introduced a new bill today, entitled “The Repealing the Job-Killing Ban/Restricted List Act.”

“The American people are sick and tired of job-killing regulations. That was their message to us in November,” said new Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH). “They don’t want any sort of government, including metaphorical ‘governments’ like the DCI, stepping in and telling folks what they can and can’t put in their decks.”

Several states, starting with South Carolina as always, have already taken legal steps to repeal the DCI’s ban/restricted list, calling it “social engineering.” The Federal bill is considered an attempt at generalizing that response nationwide.

The act also removes the “4 card” restriction from the Magic rules.

Television and radio personality Glenn Beck took the nation completely by surprise by being in lock-step with the Republicans. “If somebody wants to play 20 Black Lotuses in their Type 2 deck, are we going to say, ‘No, you should be punished for the lifetime of hard work that earned you those Black Lotuses’?” Beck asked.

“We’ve seen this before. It’s called class warfare, socialism, communism, Nazism, Soviet Russia, the French Revolution, the fall of Rome, George Soros, and the execution of Christ,” Beck continued, excitedly drawing lines of chalk from one item to the next.

Meanwhile, Senate Democrats have introduced a bill to broaden the scope of the Ban/Restricted list, called the “The Strengthen the Job-Creating Ban/Restricted List Act.”

“First, we’ll mandate that the DCI’s ban/restricted list be updated every day,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV). “We’re assuming that updating text on a web page is a tough job, so we’ll pay someone a generously healthy salary and benefits package to do it. BOOM, one job created, right there.”

“Then we’ll say that the DCI must hire 100 of the best Magic players and look at all their best decks, and then ban the most-played cards,” Reid continued. “The easiest and most efficient way for these Magic players to convey the content of their decks would be to pay for them all to fly first class to Renton, Washington from wherever they live in the world and bring their decks along with them. We’ll need to hire professional deck inspectors, professional player evaluators, engineers to build the private jets, crews to fly them…”

“Jobs, jobs, jobs!” Reid added.

The Democrats in the House, however, are responding to the House GOP’s proposal from another angle.

“Calling everything [Congressional Democrats] do ‘job killing’ is false, misleading, and frankly not very nice,” House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) said. “So that is why we’re introducing a bill to make it so they can’t use that term in their official legislation anymore. It’s called ‘The Job-Creating “No More Calling Anything ‘Job-Killing’” Act.’”

But how would such a bill create jobs? “We’ll find a way,” Pelosi said while raising her eyebrows up and down repeatedly.

Complaints about the skyrocketing shop prices of chase rares were dismissed today at a gathering of avid Magic: The Gathering players who are concerned about the rising level of concern expressed by other Magic: The Gathering players.

“My concern is that these concerns will disrupt WOTC’s self-correcting economic systems,” said Reginald Q. Farnsworth III, a concerned, middle-aged Magic player who lives comfortably on his generous salary. “And that concerns me.”

According to some players, various chase rares have become prohibitively expensive to purchase as singles, with prices unprecedented in the history of the Standard format.

“These players are socialists,” said Sebastian M. Tennison VII, one of the rally’s lively young coordinators. “They are the lazy and the jobless, expecting free rides and handouts at every turn.”

“$280 for a set of Jace, the Mind Sculptors? Big deal!” he continued. “I spent more than that on a Mai Thai in the cabana bar out front.”

Tennison believes that if people don’t want to pay, they don’t have to play. “No one’s forcing them to play Magic,” Tennison argued in his afternoon keynote speech. “That’s the freedom we’re fighting for here: their freedom not to play!”

Tennison’s words were met with thunderous applause from the audience of entirely white people, which included both upper class people, and lower class people who believe that a better life will osmose to them by pitifully barning the upper class.

Initially, Wizards had stated that their then-upcoming “Mythic Rares” wouldn’t be tournament staples for the “Spike” players, but rather large, unplayable dragons for the “Timmy” players.

But they changed their mind.

“Frankly, capitalism doesn’t work by ‘being nice’ and ‘honoring promises,’” said pundit Edmund Winthorpe, who is given money under the table by Hasbro, Inc. “Nor does it concern itself with ‘equality,’ ‘diversity,’ ‘fairness,’ ‘honesty,’ ‘inclusivity,’ ‘civility,’ et cetera, et cetera. Rather, these are the natural emergent products of pushing customers toward their breaking points.”

“Works every time,” he added, nodding confidently.