Author: paz

  • Speculative Strategy: ‘The Monday 6’

    This article is part of the Rise of the Eldrazi Alliance. Wizards of the Coast is working with Good Gamery, among other fan web sites, to help drum up excitement for the upcoming set. Take a look at the humorous and/or strategic content generated so far, and stay tuned for more new ROE-related articles and ‘chops!



    They’re here!




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    UBB code to paste the large version in a forum post:
    [img]http://www.goodgamery.com/articles/drazi/all_big.jpg[/img]


    Corpsehatch, Mammoth Umbra, Mnemonic Wall, Pathrazer of Ulamog, Prey’s Vengeance, and Valakut Fireboar. These are the Monday 6, the six cards given to Good Gamery (among other fan web sites) as part of a spoiler pool.

    What follows are the six cards, each with commentary by four of GG’s top Magic players/evaluators:

    Peebles (Benjamin Peebles-Mundy)


    Peebles is an accomplished Magic player and prolific writer for StarCityGames. He played in five Pro Tours, finishing 15th in LA and 22nd in San Diego, and invented Ghost Dad alongside NicotineJones. He is highly involved in the GG community, and is both a GG forum admin and chat op.
    Llarack (Jarvis Yu)


    Llarack is an awesome Magic Player on Good Gamery. He finished 17th at GP Denver, 27th at GP Philly, day 2 at GP Seattle, 5th place at SCG 5k Richmond, and is currently 8th in the running for MODO Extended Player of the Year. As both a skilled player and a GG chat op, he is universally considered simply… amazing.
    NicotineJones


    NJ is a longtime member of the community whose ability to analyze and speculate about new cards has earned him mad respect. He invented Ghost Dad alongside Peebles, and he’s written several capsule set reviews for Good Gamery, which have been vital in helping our community get a jumpstart on emerging metagames.
    Sti (Stuart Wright)


    Hailing from England, Sti boasts a European Championships ’03 Top-8, three Pro Tour Top-16 finishes, and 2nd Place Great Britain Nationals ’07, and has impressive ratings in both Constructed and Limited formats. He’s also written for StarCityGames. Read his commentary using a British accent.

    Card #1: Corpsehatch





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    Peebles


    I pick Brainspoil and I play Befoul, so I’d be picking and playing Corpsehatch pretty high if it didn’t have the whole token-making thing going on. With that tacked on top, I expect to be picking it very high. Having seen only 7 cards from the new set (and therefore being in a position of extreme authority on the topic), I assume that you won’t be getting so many Eldrazi Spawns that you’ll be able to regularly fire out twelve-drop Eldrazi fatties, so the tokens will probably either chumpblock or immediately sacrifice themselves to effectively reduce the cost of Corpsehatch to 1BB, letting you make another play in the same turn.
    Llarack


    This card seems unplayable in constructed unless standard slows way the hell down (which I doubt it will for at least another two years).


    In limited, it’s probably really good unless if RRR (triple Rise) draft turns out to be really fast, which it isn’t looking like with a bunch of expensive cards spoiled so far.
    NicotineJones


    Corpsehatch won’t make it in constructed play, but it’s a fine limited card that both buys you some time and accelerates you to a huge monster. Like, for instance, an Eldrazi.
    Sti


    This is a solid limited card and, while a bit expensive, it does provide two chump blockers to help with it being a bit slow. The mana generation is more of a constructed effect and this card is a bit too costly unless you really want Eldrazi for some reason.

    Card #2: Mammoth Umbra





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    Peebles


    How good +3/+3 and Vigilance will be is pretty tough to call at this point, but I’d be surprised if it wasn’t relatively dominating. The actual fun part of this card to look at is Totem Armor, which is a pretty good attempt at fixing the automatic two-for-one drawback of auras. I don’t think it gets all the way there, as your man is still vulnerable to being removed by something like Journey to Nowhere, or killed while the Umbra is still lurking on the stack, but at least a Corpsehatch off the top won’t completely blow you out.
    Llarack


    This also seems quite unplayable in constructed since 4W enchant creatures are not where you want to be, especially with the existence of Journey to Nowhere, Oblivion Ring and Path to Exile.


    Depending on the amount of removal and bounce in RRR, this card could be really good or really bad. Only time will tell with this one.
    NicotineJones


    [Like Corpsehatch,] Mammoth Umbra won’t make it for constructed play either. The good news is that size plus vigilance tends to dominate a limited board, and double-blocking kill your pantsed-up dude will only kill the enchantment. Like all expensive enchant creatures, you’re vulnerable to getting blown out by removal, but if you want to build a monster this is a pretty good way to go about it.
    Sti


    This is another “limited-only” outside of some sort of combo. It has the traditional problem of auras, where you have to be careful to avoid removal in response to this. I do, however, feel this is worth the risk, as it gives you a very large creature that can both attack and defend even if they kill it once. You do want to take it out against blue decks, as having the creature bounced is a backbreaking tempo swing.

    Card #3: Mnemonic Wall





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    Peebles


    Is there anyone here who didn’t play with Izzet Chronarch? If you managed to miss Ravnica, the general idea is that you’re paying a lot for a body that’s not too impressive, so what really matters is what you have in your deck to buy back. If you can rebuy removal spells or things like Peel from Reality, the effect is pretty sick. If you can only rebuy Twitch, you probably don’t need to spend five mana on a Kraken Hatchling.
    Llarack


    This could conceivably see play in Zendikar / Eldrazi block constructed as a card in a control deck. It makes Day of Judgment a lot better, since you can blow the Day of Judgment early and then return it back with this guy, and force them to commit another guy just to get around this.


    The value of this card is also very dependent on how fast or slow RRR is. You can basically count on there being reasonable removal to get back with this thing, though.
    NicotineJones


    The only way Mnemonic Wall makes it in constructed is if there’s some kind of a slide effect that makes recursion possible. I think its prospects are grim for limited play, too– 0/4 for 5 mana is just not a good deal.
    Sti


    To be played in constructed you really need some sort of blue deck that doesn’t mind tapping out and returning a removal spell, as a deck full of counterspells can’t really afford to tap out for just a 0/4. Zac Hill built a grixis deck of this style but it hasn’t proved very popular so far. In limited the type of deck that wants this effect probably prefers the more defensive body over something like the 2/2 body Scrivener provides.

    Card #4: Pathrazer of Ulamog





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    Peebles


    This is a gigantic creature. If there were no way to ramp him out, then it would be a strange deck indeed that ever ran him what with the whole eleven mana up front. However, Corpsehatch shows that there will at least be some support for Eldrazis, and boy if you can get this guy into the attack step you will be quite the satisfied little child. Plus he’s got like at least 20 fingers.
    Llarack


    This just seems like a worse Phyrexian Colossus that you can’t cheat out at all. Also, why isn’t this thing an artifact? If there are more counterparts to Eye of Ugin in Rise itself, then I guess this thing might be played in constructed at some point.


    11 drops rarely make the cut in limited, unless if there is a common Eldrazi mana cost reducer or if this format is actually as slow as Onslaught block.
    NicotineJones


    Pathrazer of Ulamog is outclassed by the Eldrazi we’ve already seen elsewhere for constructed play. In limited, it’s nasty if you can get it down; we’ll see if the rest of the set provides tools to do that. 11 mana is just a ton of mana, though, so it’ll need plenty of help.
    Sti


    The high costs of these Eldrazi cards makes me wonder if there will be a number of cards that reduce their cost like Eye of Ugin.

    Card #5: Prey’s Vengeance





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    Peebles


    Two doses of +2/+2 is (who would have thought) both better and worse than one dose of +4/+4. I think that the “average” use for Prey’s Vengeance will be to ambush an attacker of theirs and then push through an attacker of yours, which sounds pretty nice to me, but I know that at some point I’ll be alpha-striking and wishing that it would just give me the full effect right now. Rebound, like Totem Armor, is also vulnerable to having the target disappear in response, but I think overall it’s a pretty reasonable ability.


    As an aside, Kodama’s Might was +2/+2 for G with that set’s keyword on it, so I wouldn’t be too surprised to see a card standing in for Glacial Ray (especially since they can avoid the two-for-one if they have a sacrifice outlet).
    Llarack


    This card seems to be the most exciting of the cards to me. You can use it early on in some sort of aggressive deck mirror, then get another +2/+2 the next turn for value. The trouble is, it’s not particularly great in Boss Naya, so its usage seems limited to Eldrazi Monument green and this card is sort of underwhelming there.


    This seems reasonable for limited since you get value out of it as a pump spell and then basically a free bonus +2/+2 next turn.
    NicotineJones


    Prey’s Vengeance is a card that might make it in constructed. Normally, it’s going to be a solid combat trick when you play it initially– +2/+2 is generally enough of a boost to swing creature combat your way. The second turn, the other guy just doesn’t block your pumped man. Like any creature pump, instant-speed removal is sad times for you. In constructed, you are basically paying for 4 damage to the face spread over two turns that you can sometimes use as a combat trick. That probably isn’t good enough, but sometimes very fast green aggro decks exist that want Giant Growth type cards anyway and in that context this may nose over the line. It gets better if the world is full of toughness-based removal, since it can counter some of that.


    The rebound mechanic could be interesting with storm and similar mechanics, though.
    Sti


    People have played cheap Green pump in constructed before and this card will often deal four damage over two turns for a very cheap price. It does have to compete with Vines of Vastwood, but it does have the advantage of being cheaper and spreading the pump effort over two turns can allow you to force through a creature twice in a row. In limited this type of effect can be used to provide a tempo boost, removing a creature for only one mana in a sense and the second casting can help you to finish them off before they can stabilize.

    Card #6: Valakut Fireboar





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    Peebles


    Sometimes you really want to attack with your Kami of Old Stone. In that case, wouldn’t it be lovely to hit for seven damage instead of one? While I don’t think that there will be too many cases of Fireboar-related death, he’s a great blocker and he’s in the color that’s most-likely to be able to clear out the tiny guys that would stymie his attacks, so I think that he’ll be pretty threatening to play against. It’s nice that being a 1/7 blocker leads your opponent to attack with more guys just to get damage through, making it more likely that you’ll be able to live the dream and get your Firecat on.
    Llarack


    If people don’t play removal and somehow a five drop is good enough to hit several times, then yeah, you want this card in constructed. Otherwise, I give it a huge thumbs down.


    I have an unhealthy love for cards like this in limited. Suffice it to say, I think it’ll probably make your maindeck more often than not, and gets better with each removal spell you have in your limited deck.
    NicotineJones


    Valakut Fireboar is the kind of man I’m predisposed to like– huge butt, hard to kill, does something useful. There is no way it makes it in constructed, but in limited it’s not a bad way to sit back, block some guys, and bide your time for a burn salvo. They have to keep blockers back against the Boar most of the time, because racing a 7-power creature isn’t an option; if they get aggressive you could remove a blocker or two to punish them for their impatience. I think the Boar will be reasonably good at creating ground stalls in limited, but it still isn’t a high pick.
    Sti


    This is another limited card that fits best in a defensive Red deck. It provides a large body to protect you, with the threat of attacking for a large number. In practise they will normally have a creature held back to deal with a 7/1, but the very threat of this does force them to hold something back.

    Want to weigh in yourself? Hit the forum link below. We’d love to have you join in on the discussion.

  • New ROE Cards! ‘The Monday 6’

    This article is part of the Rise of the Eldrazi Alliance. Wizards of the Coast is working with Good Gamery, among other fan web sites, to help drum up excitement for the upcoming set. Take a look at the humorous and/or strategic content generated so far, and stay tuned for more new ROE-related articles and ‘chops!



    They’re here!




    (click for the large version)

    UBB code to paste the large version in a forum post:
    [img]http://www.goodgamery.com/articles/drazi/all_big.jpg[/img]


    Corpsehatch, Mammoth Umbra, Mnemonic Wall, Pathrazer of Ulamog, Prey’s Vengeance, and Valakut Fireboar. These are the Monday 6, the six cards given to Good Gamery (among other fan web sites) as part of a spoiler pool.

    Click here for our speculative strategy special, with card commentary by some of GG’s best players/evaluators:

    Peebles (Benjamin Peebles-Mundy)


    Peebles is an accomplished Magic player and prolific writer for StarCityGames. He played in five Pro Tours, finishing 15th in LA and 22nd in San Diego, and invented Ghost Dad alongside NicotineJones. He is highly involved in the GG community, and is both a GG forum admin and chat op.
    Llarack (Jarvis Yu)


    Llarack is an awesome Magic Player on Good Gamery. He finished 17th at GP Denver, 27th at GP Philly, day 2 at GP Seattle, 5th place at SCG 5k Richmond, and is currently 8th in the running for MODO Extended Player of the Year. As both a skilled player and a GG chat op, he is universally considered simply… amazing.
    NicotineJones


    NJ is a longtime member of the community whose ability to analyze and speculate about new cards has earned him mad respect. He invented Ghost Dad alongside Peebles, and he’s written several capsule set reviews for Good Gamery, which have been vital in helping our community get a jumpstart on emerging metagames.
    Sti (Stuart Wright)


    Hailing from England, Sti boasts a European Championships ’03 Top-8, three Pro Tour Top-16 finishes, and 2nd Place Great Britain Nationals ’07, and has impressive ratings in both Constructed and Limited formats. He’s also written for StarCityGames. Read his commentary using a British accent.

    Check out the cards, and stay tuned!

  • Our Plan for Tonight (Spoiling the ‘Monday 6’)

    This article is part of the Rise of the Eldrazi Alliance. Wizards of the Coast is working with Good Gamery, among other fan web sites, to help drum up excitement for the upcoming set. Take a look at the humorous and/or strategic content generated so far, and stay tuned for more ROE-related articles and ‘chops!



    Good Gamery was chosen as one of the Magic fan web sites to spoil a pool of 6 cards from Rise of the Eldrazi on Monday — but Monday, as you know, starts at midnight Eastern, or 9:00 PM Pacific. Either way, for most of us, these cards is gonna be spoiled tonight.

    And who better to escort these 6 new ROE cards into public knowledge than four of GG’s top Magic players/evaluators? Don’t even try to answer that rhetorical question; it cannot be done.

    You heard right. At 9:00 PM Pacific tonight, you’ll not only get the 6 brand new ROE cards, complete with all sorts of big, juicy images, but you’ll also get speculative commentary from Peebles (Benjamin Peebles-Mundy), Llarack (Jarvis Yu), NicotineJones, and Sti (Stuart Wright). Let me tell you about these dudes.

    Peebles (Benjamin Peebles-Mundy)


    Peebles is an accomplished Magic player and prolific writer for StarCityGames. He played in five Pro Tours, finishing 15th in LA and 22nd in San Diego, and invented Ghost Dad alongside NicotineJones. He is highly involved in the GG community, and is both a GG forum admin and chat op.
    Llarack (Jarvis Yu)


    Llarack is an awesome Magic Player on Good Gamery. He finished 17th at GP Denver, 27th at GP Philly, day 2 at GP Seattle, 5th place at SCG 5k Richmond, and is currently 8th in the running for MODO Extended Player of the Year. As both a skilled player and a GG chat op, he is universally considered simply… amazing.
    NicotineJones


    NJ is a longtime member of the community whose ability to analyze and speculate about new cards has earned him mad respect. He invented Ghost Dad alongside Peebles, and he’s written several capsule set reviews for Good Gamery, which have been vital in helping our community get a jumpstart on emerging metagames.
    Sti (Stuart Wright)


    Hailing from England, Sti boasts a European Championships ’03 Top-8, three Pro Tour Top-16 finishes, and 2nd Place Great Britain Nationals ’07, and has impressive ratings in both Constructed and Limited formats. He’s also written for StarCityGames. Read his commentary using a British accent.

    See you tonight!

  • Is Loot Making Our Prisons Less Safe?

    This article is part of the Rise of the Eldrazi Alliance. Wizards of the Coast is working with Good Gamery, among other fan web sites, to help drum up excitement for the upcoming set. Watch for new ROE-related articles and ‘chops, and check back on midnight this Sunday night (March 14/15 midnight) for 6 ROE card spoilers.



    As you know, all those giant octohedral obelisks flying across the Zendikari sky aren’t just there to impress the local crab population. They’re part of an intricate prison that spans the whole of Zendikar. While they’re the most important piece of that system, they’re far from the only piece. There are also a multitude of traps, runes, seals, barriers, and guard monsters.

    But it’s the final piece of the puzzle that’s led some to question the prison’s design, namely, the loot. Loot has long been included in the design and consruction of every magical dungeon, tomb, and palace of the Mysterious Imprisoners, inc., and has been featured heavily in several of their broom closets. Zendikar is no exception. Although the project budget has not been publically released, experts estimate that loot accounts for between 32 and 44 perecent of the total materials costs. Among the known valuables stored in this prison are various jewels, alchemical reagents, several enchanted weapons and pieces of armor, and even that unimaginative old standby: large piles of non-descript gold. All this treasure is difficult to recover in case of a financial emergency, and many middle-class citizens find it distasteful that the incarcerated are technically wealthier than they are.

    The outcry isn’t just about the cost though. The greater concern for many is how the loot affects Zendikar Prison’s security. Since its construction, a constant stream of adventurers have been pouring in, massively compromising Zendikar’s security measures in the process. Rogues have disarmed its arrow traps and pressure plates to plunder its magic daggers. Wizards have disabled its runes of warding and alarm to gather its amulets of power. And bards have really ruined its ambiance with all the dreadful sonnets they keep reciting about its beautiful gems.

    The opposition has grown loud enough that the prison’s lead designer, Zmriron the Inescapable, has issued the following response:

    Stocking unlikely locations with vast amounts of easily transportable riches is a proud tradition of our culture going back millenia. I for one believe it is worth respecting, but even if you don’t share that belief, the alternative — mazes, monsters and traps without any treasure at all — will not solve the problem.



    We never told any adventurers there was any wealth to be had on Zendikar. We didn’t even tell them it was a prison. But because of our history, the adventuring mind has come to associate all of these pitfalls and warnings with great reward.

    An adventuring party doesn’t think like you and I do. Where we take a wall of unexstinguishable flame as a suggestion to leave, they see it as an opportunity for a better life if they can just survive running straight through it. And once inside the defenses, while we would take the apparent absence of valuables to mean no valuables were present, that would not be their conclusion. They would simply believe the magic items were extremely well-hidden, and furthermore if someone bothered to hide them so well even after all those traps and monsters, they must be incredibly powerful indeed.

    This is not mere theory. I once went over budget when constructing a labyrinth to contain an evil gorgon and betrayed my principles by including no extraneous items of value. When I returned to check on it a week later, no two stones were left standing on one another, the prisoner was nowhere to be found, and I had enough money in statuary to fund an entire mansion full of broom closets.

    Zmriron the Inescapable


    Lead Designer, Zendikar Prison






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  • Planeswalkers Search for Eldrazi

    This article is part of the Rise of the Eldrazi Alliance. Wizards of the Coast is working with Good Gamery, among other fan web sites, to help drum up excitement for the upcoming set. Watch for new ROE-related articles and ‘chops, and check back on midnight this Sunday night (March 14/15 midnight) for 6 ROE card spoilers.



    The Eldrazi were once the most feared force imaginable – terrible beings from the space between worlds who sought to reshape the planes in the grey, featureless image of their home. But they had been banished for so long, that their memory had all but faded from the multiverse.

    There was however still one prophecy that told of a time, soon to come, that their minions would spill forth from their prison and once again threaten the planes. Two planeswalkers discovered it, and swore to work together to defeat the Eldrazi threat once and for all. They unraveled the cryptic clues of the prophecy’s text to learn of the general area and time of their emergence, but sadly, not its direction.




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  • Eldrazi Drone is Lonely

    This article is part of the Rise of the Eldrazi Alliance. Wizards of the Coast is working with Good Gamery, among other fan web sites, to help drum up excitement for the upcoming set. Watch for new ROE-related articles and ‘chops, and check back on midnight this Sunday night (March 14/15 midnight) for 6 ROE card spoilers.






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    “Why doesn’t anyone ever want to hang out with me??” thought an Eldrazi Drone yesterday as it hovered through a canyon. Its many hideous appendages undulated in frustration while it emitted a loathsome, perpetual moan.

    “Seriously, what’s everyone’s problem…?” it continued.

    As it pondered, its cleaved neural stalk writhed and pulsed sickeningly.

    “Sure, I may not be the best looking guy abiding in the unfathomable depths between planes,” it reasoned, “but I was always taught that it’s what’s on the inside that counts.” The astral being’s innards then audibly bubbled with chaos and madness, channeling foul energies into its twisted cranial folds.

    The other day, the Drone asked its coworker Keith if he had any weekend plans. Keith initially said no.

    “But then when I asked him if he wanted to hang out, he suddenly ‘remembered’ that he was busy,” the Drone contemplated.

    Its love life hasn’t fared well, either.

    “That blind date last weekend? She took one look at me and literally went blind,” it remembered. “She evidently wasn’t one to appreciate my many-jointed protuberances or my vast array of spines, hooks and knobs.”

    A horrifying, extradimensional scream echoed throughout the canyon as the monstrosity’s projections tore at the fabric of reality.

    “I mean, what the hell!? I have a soul, for Pete’s sake!” it strongly conveyed. The Drone, in fact, has countless souls, harvested from the bloodied corpses of a thousand battles via its four ectohesive tentacloid conduits.

    The Drone’s thoughts telepathically liquefied all nearby, save for a bespectacled wanderer with a stocking cap and cane.

  • Habbardis the Fierce Gives Pep Talk

    This article is part of the Rise of the Eldrazi Alliance. Wizards of the Coast is working with Good Gamery, among other fan web sites, to help drum up excitement for the upcoming set. Watch for new ROE-related articles and ‘chops, and check back on midnight this Sunday night (March 14/15 midnight) for 6 ROE card spoilers.



    The sunlight dimmed, and a vast shadow enveloped the plain. Towering above the horizon, the Eldrazi terror had finally arrived at Gom Norro valley. Waiting to meet the colossus was a hearty number of warriors, the last line of defense for the people of Gom Norro, in which each of the races of Zendikar was represented.

    The renowned heroes looked up at the Eldrazi’s facehole in fear. They felt their knees grow weak and their hearts begin to race. They needed someone to help them summon up their courage, to give them the fortitude they needed to face this monstrous creature. They needed a speech, a collection of powerful words to rouse their spirits and elevate their morale.

    Their leader, Habbardis the Fierce, stepped forward and turned to face them.

    He gripped the hilt of his sword, unsheathing it, and held it aloft.

    He then swung his mighty blade around, pointing it directly at the Eldrazi foe, and spoke.

    “Alright, you guys go first,” he said.

    After a few uncomfortable seconds, Habbardis turned back around to face his army, seeming confused that nobody charged past him.

    “I don’t think you need me on this one, guys,” Habbardis explained.

    “You got this!” he added.

    The warriors began grumbling to one another and lowering their weapons.

    “Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,” shouted Habbardis. “Wait. Wait. Just wait. Wait. Stop.”

    “Remember when we first started this expedition?” he continued. “Grommo, you couldn’t even properly tie on your pauldrons!”

    Grommo smiled and nodded, blushing.

    “And Klissta,” Habbardis said, gesturing toward a female elf, “Remember all the trouble you used to have with spear combat? You’ve all come so far!

    Murmurs of approval began to swell among the warriors’ ranks.

    “I’m so proud of each and every one of you,” said Habbardis, his voice cracking. “After all this time, I really think you’re ready to handle a battle, all on your own. I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t believe it.

    “So whaddya say?” Habbardis shouted. “Are you ready to kick some Eldrazi butt!?

    The warriors cheered. Their morale was elevated. Their spirits were roused. Their hearts began pumping steadily and their knees grew strong. They looked up at the Eldrazi’s facehole with determination. Holding their weapons high, they charged down the plain.

    Except for Habbardis, who fled.




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  • Claim: Wizards on Cusp of Completing Secret Scheme

    At last, the world knows the alleged truth.

    Last Monday, an employee of Wizards of the Coast informed us at Good Gamery of the purpose of Magic: The Gathering — the hidden underlying plot that has come to fruition before our very eyes.

    The source, to remain anonymous, claims that Magic: The Gathering, from the very beginning, was a scheme to create a lottery that would be legal around the world, and for participants of any age.

    What is a lottery? To help inform our readers, we at Good Gamery wrote an entire Wikipedia article on lotteries. But to make a long story short, lotteries are systems in which participants buy a chance at winning an amount of money less than the expected total contribution from all of the participants.

    In most countries, lotteries are illegal except when sponsored or heavily regulated by the state.

    But not anymore.

    “By disguising our lottery game under a cloak of various subgames, we created a sort of ‘Trojan horse,” the source said. “Troy is the world.”

    “And Paris of Troy represents lawmakers, who stole from us the right to extract money from anyone we wish — this, of course, is analogous to Helen,” he went on to explain. “For we are Menelaus, king of Sparta.”

    “This is Sparta,” he added, making a sweeping gesture across his office.

    Revelation of the plan was first implied by whistleblower Ben Bleiweiss, writer for Star City Games, who noticed in a recent article that the prices for rares in general are falling, but prices for the few essential, chase rares are skyrocketing.

    “If these trends continue,” say Good Gamery’s resident economics experts, “nearly all booster packs will yield cards worth nothing. But one pack in two million will yield an artifact creature that costs 1, has shroud, and is an 8/8 flier with lifelink and no drawbacks.”

    “Think Tarmogoyf for $100 is bad? Try Armageddogoyf for $1,000,000.”

    And it gets worse.

    Because all kids are stupid, state-sanctioned lotteries refuse participation by minors, screwing over only those who had quite enough time to unstupify, but failed to do so.

    But this de facto lottery does no such thing.

    “What’s next?” our experts asked in an alarming tone. “Advertising cereal to children in a way that makes them believe eating it will transport them into a manic, hallucinatory cartoon?”